I Suck at Support

I thought I'd mention this in relation to the last post.

My cousin (here's my last long post about her) has been up and down. She hasn't had a major attack in a while. Her disability checks finally started coming in, so her financial situation is better.

My mother went to therapy with her earlier this week. My cousin mentioned that she was very intimidated by me, and I often made her feel insecure, even though she said she knew it wasn't my fault.

For example, recently my cousin told my mother and me that the therapist did a budget with her, and she felt like it was a really great step. I said, "Awesome! Now all you have to do is stick to it."

In light of the fact that I'd made her a budget last year that she never followed, apparently my words really hurt her.

From my perspective, it's hard to know what to do about things like that. I'm a straightforward person, and I'm not good at reading other people's emotions and predicting their reactions. I thought I was doing well because I never once nagged her about not sticking to my original budget. In that original financial advising session I told her she should cut out all salon expenses, and then a few months later I saw she got a new weave, and I never said anything. Using a budget is 10% formulation and 90% follow-through... that's all I wanted to stress to her.

She doesn't blame me, I don't blame her, but our relationship is not what it could be.

I tend to think she's a lot more secure than she really is. That's a common issue with her. She used to be a high-powered saleswoman; she cracks jokes all the time and appears to be totally confident. I used to be a bit envious of her confidence and social ease, in the sense that I sometimes wondered, "Would I have grown up to be that way if I hadn't been through so much social trauma as a kid? Is that a genetic inheritance that should have been mine as well?" But my mother explained how it's all just a front she had to put on in order to survive her toxic family environment. It's even self-defeating, because people assume she doesn't need the help that she really needs. I don't have that insecure core because I was raised in a healthy family structure.

It's almost impossible for me to act in a way that I don't feel. I'm kind of an anti-actor. I can be diplomatic, I can choose words carefully, I can put on a very detached front, I can slip into a teaching persona if I speak in front of a crowd... but that's about it. I'm incapable of manipulating people. I'm even incapable of flirting. It's been both a blessing and a curse. It's hard for me to understand the behavior of people who are presenting with a "false front" because I can't put myself in their shoes.

I want to make a positive difference in people's lives, and I think I've succeeded in some ways. I have to work within my limitations. For example, I'd make a terrible therapist. If I know something that can help someone, and they're interested in learning it, I can teach it to them pretty well. But other than that, it seems like it's better for me to step aside and just listen.

Sigh... anyway, I've offered to go into the next therapy session with my mother and cousin. This is with the understanding that it's totally for the benefit of my cousin, and is not all about me. I just want to know the best way to support her. My mother let my cousin know about my offer, so I'll wait and see if she wants me to come.