ARGH!

Non-adoption family drama is peaking. I'm extremely angry and upset about certain developments involving certain family members. I'll have to wait until things settle down a bit before posting a blog update, because I need some distance.

Search and Reunion - Thoughts on the Future

I just finished reading through this post at AdoptionTalk: "Find My Family" as Sensationalist Trash or Springboard for Discussion. It's about a new reality show that covers adoption search and reunion. The post discusses the potential reaction of children and what age would be most appropriate.

I had a lot of contradictory feelings when imagining whether Sunny should watch such a show at his current age.  It's somewhat remote from his experience and it might not affect him at all.  He knows his maternal bio family.  He lived with his mother.  He doesn't need to search or reunite, because we already have a relationship with them.  But his mother passed away... and because of that, watching other adoptees reunite might feel like a punch in the stomach and a reminder of what's been taken from him.  He's never going to see his mother again, at least walking this earth.  I know this hurts him.

Sunny talks about it, but not often.  We read a great book together once -- Everett Anderson's Goodbye -- a story about a son grieving for his dead father.  It made him cry, and he told me he never wanted to read the book again because he didn't want to cry like that again.  Every so often, he'll say "I miss Mommy __" or "I'll never get to see Mommy __ again."  I'll just pat him on the back and say "I know you do," and talk about maybe visiting her grave the next time we visit, if he's up for it.

On the other hand, in the future, it might be useful for him to know about other kinds of adoptee narratives.  Maybe the stories would fascinate him.  Maybe they would bore him, since they tend to lack dinosaurs, robots or explosions. 

Maybe these stories would make him think about his biological father... that's an area where I'm waiting (an active kind of waiting) for him to take the lead.  I know, from talking to more maternal relatives, that his father is not quite as unsafe as the record indicated. I'm not going to pick up the phone and call him out of the blue, but I'll remind Sunny when he gets older that we can set up contact with his father.

We're not at that stage yet.  We recently cleared a pretty important stage... he understands that his maternal uncle is his uncle and not his father, that his uncle is white and his father is black.  I think he really knew this, but he didn't want to know it, so he obfuscated.  He needed a lot of very gentle reminders.  About a year's worth.  Getting to see and play with his uncle on our latest visit finally clinched it. 

I don't think I'll be watching those shows myself.  I hate to say it, but the thought makes me too sad. I can take a little bit of these stories, but not in concentrated multimedia doses.  I would find myself thinking about my own lost relatives... the grandparents that died before I was born, whose deaths were inextricably linked to my father's adoption. 

I also think the cultural practice of closed adoption with sealed records is deeply unnatural, a historical anomaly, and will hopefully disappear soon.  In the future, we'll all have DNA fingerprints on file electronically (for good and for evil) and finding a relative will become just as easy as Googling... you'll just lick your iPhone or something and a list of everyone who shares your DNA will pop up.

Transgender Day of Remembrance Post

Usually I suck at blogging on significant days and anniversaries. But today, I'm in time to catch The Transgender Day of Remembrance.

The Transgender Day of Remembrance was set aside to memorialize those who were killed due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice. The event is held in November to honor Rita Hester, whose murder on November 28th, 1998 kicked off the “Remembering Our Dead” web project and a San Francisco candlelight vigil in 1999. Rita Hester’s murder — like most anti-transgender murder cases — has yet to be solved.

Although not every person represented during the Day of Remembrance self-identified as transgender — that is, as a transsexual, crossdresser, or otherwise gender-variant — each was a victim of violence based on bias against transgender people.

We live in times more sensitive than ever to hatred-based violence, especially since the events of September 11th. Yet even now, the deaths of those based on anti-transgender hatred or prejudice are largely ignored. Over the last decade, more than one person per month has died due to transgender-based hate or prejudice, regardless of any other factors in their lives. This trend shows no sign of abating.

The Transgender Day of Remembrance serves several purposes. It raises public awareness of hate crimes against transgender people, an action that current media doesn’t perform. Day of Remembrance publicly mourns and honors the lives of our brothers and sisters who might otherwise be forgotten. Through the vigil, we express love and respect for our people in the face of national indifference and hatred. Day of Remembrance reminds non-transgender people that we are their sons, daughters, parents, friends and lovers. Day of Remembrance gives our allies a chance to step forward with us and stand in vigil, memorializing those of us who’ve died by anti-transgender violence.

Here is the latest victim: Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado, who was stabbed to death, then decapitated, dismembered, and burned in Puerto Rico this week.

I'm not sure if he was gay, transgender, somewhere in the middle, or both at the same time.  But the story makes it clear he was murdered for his gender expression.

I don't want to remove the focus of this day from transgender victims.  However, I have to do that, in order to stress that hatred and fear of transgender people makes all of our lives worse, when you really think about it.

Homophobia and/or transphobia (I think it's a continuum) affected me lightly when I was a girl. I didn't look like other girls around me because of my race. I was also tall, small-breasted and blocky. I got called a "lesbian" and a "dyke" quite a few times.  Once, someone even called me an "Elizabethan" which was awfully confusing. It shows that even when kids don't even know what these words mean, or how to pronounce them, they use them to hurt other kids and try to make them conform to gender standards.

Of course, I've been quite lucky since then.  Since I'm straight, I have a lot of economic privilege from being able to marry my husband and get tax breaks and discounts on a wide variety of things. And I've been mistaken for a man off and on, depending on how I was dressed and how I style my hair, but it never particularly bothered me, and I never had to pay a big social penalty for it.

That is, until one time I went to the Bahamas.  I didn't know it at the time -- I was blissfully unaware -- but many parts of the English-speaking Caribbean are hotbeds of hatred towards anyone who is not "gender-conforming".

I was in Nassau for two days en route to another location.  I dressed in my typical tropical travelling clothes.  Knee-length shorts, baggy long-sleeved cotton shirts, hat.  I like wearing these types of outfits because 1) they're comfortable in the heat 2) they protect my skin from the sun 3) they cover my body enough so I don't get too much unwanted male attention, so I can fly under the radar. 

I started feeling really nervous after only a few hours in Nassau. I was used to being stared at because of my race when I travel, but this just wasn't just curiosity, it was curiosity plus anger.  Bahamians were glaring at me. Women especially.  I'm tall, but a lot of these women were taller and bigger than me. I was in line at an ATM when a group of women pointed at me and broke into derisive laughter.  I didn't understand what was going on... until the time I was outside of a grocery store and women yelled at me "ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL! HA!" Then she sneered at me and moved off.

If I'd stayed in Nassau, I was probably putting myself at serious risk of a beat-down. Of course, I had the privilege of escaping that treatment if I had to... I wasn't particularly attached to my androgynous outfits.  I realized later that if I'd put on some lipstick and a halter top, that terrifying sense of constant physical menace would basically have evaporated.

As far as I've learned, although many English-speaking Caribbean countries have horrendous levels of violence towards LGBT people, it's not quite as bad in the Spanish-speaking countries, and in Haiti there's actually a pretty high level of cultural tolerance. I know about this now, because it affected me, and so I took an interest. But it's not just an interest for many other people... their very life can depend on it.

There are many ways in which hatred of transgender people is mainstreamed and made acceptable.  One way in which everyone should help is by making a pledge not to use gender expression for mockery.  For example, I'm going to try hard never to make fun of any woman, trans or otherwise, by saying they "look like a man". Casual stuff like this goes on all the time, and it contributes to the disrespect of transgender women, dehumanizing them, and making their deaths "not count".

I think it's also important to support children in foster care who have been rejected because of their gender expression. There's an organization here in Atlanta I donate to: Chris Kids and Project Rainbow.  They always need donations especially for this program, because although their other child programs receive federal and state funds, Project Rainbow is more "controversial" (sadly) and has to be funded separately.

The Rainbow Program

The Rainbow Program is a subset program of the Independent Living Program that transitions teenagers from homelessness into self-sufficient adulthood. Youth live in apartments and receive counseling, vocational and educational training, and life skills development. Each teen must be working or enrolled in appropriate educational programs for a minimum of 20 hours per week. Teens have individualized service plans that outline goals and objectives for independence. Staff works with each teen to accomplish their individual goals. This program targets outreach to homeless youth and teens identifying as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or questioning (GLBTQ). At CHRIS Kids these youth find a place to live where they can learn self acceptance and be open about who they are without fear or retribution.

• National statistics suggest that up to 56% of homeless youth identify as GLBTQ.
• This program is one of few GLBTQ Independent Living Programs in the Southeast
• This program receives no federal support

Short Sunny Update

Guy is out of town this week.  When we went on the same trip last year, things kind of fell apart.  That's the first time that Sunny ever hit me during a tantrum. Guy being away seemed to flip a switch in his brain and probably activated all his memories of the other people in his life that left him...

This week, it's been hugely better, so far. Guy wrote seven notes with little drawings and messages like "I love you" and "sleep tight", and I give one of those to Sunny every night.  He also emails Sunny from the road.  Sunny has a clear goals -- 5 nights of "reading nicely" and "no fits" means two visits to the play center this weekend.  His days are also much more scheduled. 

Guy does so much around the house.  Washing the dishes and getting Sunny's lunch ready and all the other stuff isn't easy on my own. I do have my mother helping out -- she's picking up Sunny from afterschool every day.

Sunny says "I miss Dad" and "I'm sad because I miss Dad" a lot.

After dinner we usually play a game of chess together. We've also tried (and failed) to do some dance videos together.  It's so hard! Also, Sunny really does not have good dance basics.  That's one reason I keep up with his hip-hop dance classes.  I think it's a generally good thing to know how to dance, and as Sunny grows up hip-hop is what the kids his age are going to be dancing to.  He doesn't dislike the classes -- if he did I'd have to discontinue them -- but he's not really excited about them, either, the way he is about chess club.

He loves singing punk rock songs though... or singing AOR soft rock songs in the style of punk rock. Guy recently taught him to sing this one.  It's not very hard to learn.

Long Fitness Update

Here's how it's going. I'm not weighing myself or even measuring myself because I don't want to get stuck on numerical goals.  I'd rather aim for a general wellbeing and fitness level.   That way it might be more sustainable.

Nutrition: I'm doing a modified South Beach, low carb but not ultra low carb style.  The hardest part is remembering to eat six times a day and not letting myself get hungry.  I know this is a nutrition principle that's crucial for keeping your metabolism working properly, but it's tough, especially since I have a tendency to get really focused on something and postpone eating.

For breakfast I'm usually eating omelettes with a little parmesan and ajvar... ajvar is a spicy red bell pepper and eggplant spread. We have a lot of Bosnians living nearby, which is how I discovered ajvar, which tastes awesome, and is really convenient as a filling and additive for all kinds of dishes.  Then for a mid-morning snack I'll have some miso soup or a handful of almonds.  At lunch I'll have vegetables with hummus, veggie burgers (I'm not a vegetarian but I like veggie burgers) and/or a lentil or bean soup.  Then for a late lunch I'll have some more almonds or half a roll-up with a low-carb wrap, and maybe an apple.  For dinner I'll eat whatever I cook Sunny and Guy, but without the rice.  Then for dessert, after exercising, I'll have a small protein drink: unsweetened soy milk with hemp powder, a dash of vanilla and cinnamon and a Splenda packet.  The flavors make it not taste entirely like ass (that's the kindest thing I can say about it).

I'm planning on making some rolls with those Vietnamese rice paper things so I can replace the small low-carb wraps, which don't taste very good. 

Here's my exercise log.  Start it Up is the first level of Slim in 6.  Ramp it Up is the second. You're supposed to do Start it Up for only 2 days or until you "master the moves".  It took me a LONG time to "master the moves".

Tue Oct 20         Start it Up
Wed Oct 21         Start it Up
Thu Oct 22         Start it Up
Fri Oct 23         Start it Up
Sat Oct 24         Start it Up + Weight Training
Sun Oct 25         REST

Mon Oct 26         Start it Up
Tue Oct 27         Start it Up
Wed Oct 28         Start it Up
Thu Oct 29         Start it Up
Fri Oct 30         Start it Up - and evil fire drill
Sat Oct 31        horrible pain
Sun Nov 1        horrible pain

Mon Nov 2        horrible pain
Tues Nov 3        slightly less horrible pain
Wed Nov 4         Start it Up
Thu Nov 5         Start it Up
Fri Nov 6         Start it Up
Sat Nov 7         Start it Up + Weight Training
Sun Nov 8         Zuma (dance fitness) class

Mon Nov 9         Ramp it Up
Tue Nov 10         Skipped - did 20 mins of cardio + flexibility instead
Wed Nov 11         Ramp it Up

Start it Up and Ramp it Up are tough, but they're good for my back. After the first week, my back pain disappeared.  Unfortunately, the day before Halloween, and the day before we left to visit Sunny's home state, the evil fire drill happened and that ruined my exercise schedule for a while... otherwise, I would have been able to start Ramp It Up sooner.

I'm going to try and do weight training twice a week, and Zuma every week, but for now, I think I can only count on once a week. 

The first time I did Ramp It Up, it was hard on my arms. I felt like one of my muscles that I use doing pushups was close to being pulled.  So I decided to skip it and do a different, simpler cardio video instead: Jillian Michaels: Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism. It was popular and had good ratings... but it was a really bad idea. One move involved jumping while rotating your whole body 180 degrees.  The first time I did it, it hurt, and I should have known to stop, but I tried to keep up.  The next day my lower back really hurt.  Luckily the pain went away in time for me to get back into the schedule by doing Ramp It Up later that night.  My arms don't hurt as badly anymore, although one of my legs feels very sore, and I 'm thinking about getting a full-body massage this weekend.

I wish there was some way of telling which exercise videos are back-friendly/scoliosis-friendly and which aren't! I can twist -- in fact, I need to twist, because that strengthens core muscles and helps my back -- and I can jump, but now I've learned that twisting while jumping leads to certain doom. Plus, Jillian Michaels glares at you in kind of a freaky and frightening way, whereas Debbie Siebers (Slim in 6) strikes a better balance between perky and aggro.

I can mostly keep up with Ramp It Up except for the part where you get on your elbows and knees and kick your feet in the air. That's hopeless.  I'm starting by simply doing half of whatever Debbie Siebers doing.  Then I'm going to gradually work it up until I'm doing the same number of kicks.

At this slow rate, I don't think I'm going to get to Burn it Up level in 6 weeks. Oh well.  I'm fairly happy with the way things are going, and my energy level and mood have improved.

Veteran's Day Quick Post: Hepatitis C

I wrote before on this issue.  My stepfather is a Vietnam veteran with Hepatitis C that he contracted while working as a medic stationed in South Korea. Currently, his Hep C is under control, but until a reliable cure is developed, he's always going to be in danger of liver failure. 1 in 10 Vietnam vets have Hepatitis C.

Please see this page at hcadvocate.com to find out what we can do to help people with Hep C.

Email to Hank Johnson Regarding Healthcare Reform and Stupak Amendment

Hello,

I would like to congratulate you on all the great work you have done to fight for healthcare reform so far. I have supported your reform efforts and I attended your healthcare townhall as well as David Scott's. However, I'm very upset right now at the current House bill.  Here are just a few of my problems:

- fines for people who refuse insurance
- lack of coverage for undocumented immigrants
- The Stupak-Pitts "coathanger" amendment

I understand that compromise is necessary in politics.  I understand that if we pass halfway reform now, we will be able to augment and improve on it in years to come. I am willing to compromise quite a bit on healthcare reform. But we can't compromise away everything.  We cannot actually TAKE A STEP BACKWARDS. Any healthcare reform legislation should improve on what we have, or at the very least, continue SOME of the same injustices at the same level... not actually make those injustices worse!

I have never had an abortion. Like you, I am a Buddhist, and although I do not know your opinion on the subject, I have some moral reservations about abortion when it comes to me personally. But I believe every woman has the absolute right to make that decision for herself. If the Stupak amendment is included in final legislation, that means that only women above a certain income level will have that choice anymore! It goes far beyond refusing federal funds for abortion by not even allowing private insurance companies to include abortion.  The Stupak amendment equals FORCED CHILDBIRTH for lower-income women. It is disgusting and unconscionable.

I heard that a letter has been sent to Nancy Pelosi with the names of at least 40 Democrats who have promised to vote against any final reform that includes the Stupak amendment.  I hope your name is on that list. I do believe in compromise and negotiation, but at some point we have to stand strong and hold the line. Thank you.

Our Halloween Visit

The visit this Halloween went well.  Sunny and I flew in on Saturday, and flew out Sunday night.  I scoured the web for coupons and specials and got very good deals on the hotel and rental car.

It's enjoyable spending time with Sunny's foster family. They're incredibly nice people and their family is large, boisterous but harmonious.

It's just that their environment really gets me down.  They live in a solidly middle-class, very white suburb.  It's a great place to be a little kid. Neighbors know each other. It's safe to play in the streets. But when you get to be a teenager, especially someone like me, it can turn into hell on earth. From the age of about 8 to 15 I lived in a similar environment.  Towards the end I simply refused to leave my mother's house at all.

It's in a different region, but it inspires the same familiar feeling of dread.

Plus, the food is awful. The regional food is practically inedible. I'm not going to sing the praises of Southern food -- it's mostly overcooked, oversalted and overgreasy -- but at least it has some taste.  If I can have a pork chop with some collard greens and fried okra I won't complain.  Even a barbecue sandwich is acceptable. When I visit Sunny's family I have to carefully plan out my meals. My only real options are chains: Cracker Barrel, Chipotle and Subway.  I don't know what I'd do without Cracker Barrel. Sunny's family mainly eats massive amounts of pizza, pasta and mashed potatoes. I would never refuse food in a formal dinner setting, but it's often a "make yourself a plate" situation there, so I'm usually able to duck out politely.

Being a food-snob burb-trauma victim makes the visits increasingly rougher. Once a year is more my speed.  Sunny's foster mother and I also discussed sending Sunny up there for a week visit as an unaccompanied minor. I think that's what we'll definitely do in the future, but I'm not sure if he'll be ready yet next year.

The family really goes all out for Halloween.  They had a corpse on the roof, and a collection of animatronic witches and bats on the porch.  I told their oldest son about how nobody trick-or-treated in my neighborhood, mainly because there are a lot of Baptists and others who think Halloween is anti-Jesus. He told me that the one time he was in Georgia he hung out with some "country boys" and was pretty amazed at how they would hellraise all week and then go to church on Sunday.

Their neighborhood was full of trick-or-treating kids and everyone had an incredible time. Sunny was Darth Vader. Toward the end of the night, he had to use his lightsaber to fight off a whole squad of Imperial Stormtroopers.

My other problem was that we had a fire drill in my office the Friday before Halloween.  I walked down an ungodly number of steps. That day, I was fine.  On Saturday, I woke up with agonizing pain in my calves. I could sit, I could stand, but anything in between and it felt like someone was stabbing me in the calves with a fiery poker. I could barely bend my legs.  I started walking like an arthritic penguin.  On Sunday, my back pain came back in full force, because I hadn't been maintaining proper posture. I could barely move. I was trying to spend a lot of time bonding with BB but I couldn't even pick him up.  It was so frustrating.  In order to fly back to Atlanta carrying our luggage -- luggage that included many pounds of Halloween candy -- I bought some compression bandages and wrapped my calves really tightly, and even then, it was tough.  My back pain finally went away on Monday and my leg pain went away a few days later.

I didn't want to show Sunny exactly how badly I was hurting. Little kids like it when their parents are a little bit off their game, because then they can show off being useful and helping out.  But they can get panicky if they think their parents are really not doing well; it's upsetting to their worldview.

BB looks great. He eats and drinks constantly, and is very active.  Some of his favorites activities: pushing his toy truck around the house, spinning things around, tipping over the trash can, dancing up and down, throwing himself down on a blanket, getting tossed up and down.  He's still not saying any words yet (he's 16 months old) but he does make happy sounds and frustrated sounds and excited sounds.  He plays nicely alongside other children.  In contrast, Sunny's foster mom's grandson, who is a few months older, is much more advanced developmentally but also likes to run up to people and hit them and throw things at their faces!  It's still kind of cute now, but hopefully he'll grow out of it soon.

Sunny and BB got to do some bonding, which was very sweet.  Sunny didn't have the patience to play with him, but he would stop and kiss BB on top of the head whenever he ran by.

On Sunday, Sunny went out with NN to a local playground.  They also hung out with his uncle, the one that Sunny used to think was his father. NN told me that her ex-husband, the disagreeable grandfather, even showed up, although he didn't interact with Sunny that much (this was the grandfather that threatened to disown his son, Sunny's uncle, if he adopted Sunny).

After we got back, Sunny was on pretty good behavior.  Then it fell apart on Wednesday.  He had a very long fit that night, although there was really more crying than hitting involved. He had a crying fit in class so that he had to be taken out of the classroom temporarily on Thursday.  He had another two fits on Sunday.  There's definitely some fallout from the visit.

We have an intake appointment at a promising new therapist office next week.  We're not looking into the ABC of Atlanta right now because we're really looking for play therapy, not attachment therapy, but thanks to anyone who left suggestions anyway.  This week is shaping up to be tough because Guy is going out of town for the rest of the week.  Sunny is NOT going to handle that well, no matter what we do and how we prepare.

When I walked into our office tower the Monday after the trip, it gave me a sense of shameful joy to notice that a quite a few other people were still walking like penguins.

I Have a Sneaking Suspicion About Our Adoption Subsidy

I hesitated to blog about this for a long time, because it might be possible to ascertain Sunny's home state from this information. However, I think it's worth the risk.

Last month, we got a letter from Sunny's home state. It started talking about the state's budget woes, which we are well aware of.  If it wasn't for their budget crisis, BB would probably be with us now.

The letter asked us to accept a cut in our monthly adoption subsidy. Since interstate general adoptions involve a supposedly ironclad contract when it comes to this subsidy -- as long as we are taking care of Sunny, we are guaranteed to be paid that amount until he turns 18 -- the letter said that we should VOLUNTARILY give up the money.  Why?  Because if enough people didn't give up the money, they would be forced to make vaguely defined "across the board" cuts.  The language was rather slippery and menacing.  The deadline is next month.

I've been trying to figure out what to do about the letter.  Some possibilities:
- We don't sign, and they don't make the cuts (no money lost)
- We sign, and they don't make the cuts (a known amount of money lost)
- We don't sign, and they make the cuts anyway (an unknown amount of money lost)
- We sign, and they make the cuts anyway (a known amount of money lost + an unknown amount of money lost money lost)

Based on that decision matrix, the option of signing looks really, really bad.

I finally managed to get hold of our local caseworker. She told us absolutely not to sign.  She didn't think it was even possible for them to make the involuntary cuts!  Her theory is that they're just trying to help the budget by picking some low-hanging fruit -- that is, scaring a few adoptive parents into signing the letters.

It's so sleazy.


They already cut BB's foster mom's adoption subsidies.  Since her adoptions are not interstate like ours, there was apparently less legal protection. Her income went down a combined total of $1000 a month. Two of her older children have FASD and need a lot of services.

We could get by with a lower subsidy.  But the subsidy helps a lot.  If it wasn't for the subsidy, we probably wouldn't have been able to take a risk on that extremely expensive course of neurofeedback Sunny did earlier this year.  In the long run, special needs subsidies help the state, as long as the parents are ethical and the subsidy is actually helping the child, because the money you invest in children now means less money you have to spend later on.  But the state is obviously desperate and not thinking about the long term.

BB's caseworker wasn't able to give us any advice on Sunny's subsidy letter issue. But I'm a little bit suspicious of the way she's been asking us to give her a subsidy request letter on BB even though we're missing some health paperwork on him.  His foster mom tells me that she's waiting on the results of a blood test to determine whether he has a sickle cell issue. Earlier test results were apparently ambiguous.

I'll write about my thoughts of our Halloween visit later on, maybe tomorrow.