Yet Another One -- I Feel Terrible
We had another meltdown. This one was the absolute worst because I saw how I could have easily stopped it.
Everything was going great. Sunny had just had his bath. Earlier, he'd asked for a mint, and I told him he could have one as long as his going-to-bed behavior was good. After this bath, I asked him to put his clothes in the hamper, put on his pajamas and brush his teeth. He asked if he could brush his teeth first. It's kind of cold, and we do things in a certain order at bedtime, so I told him that no, he really needed to put on his pajamas first.
(First mistake: I should have let it go).
He started yelling and stomping. I told him he had just lost his mint for good behavior (escalating: second mistake).
He ran up to me in the kitchen where I was, made a hitting motion at me and screamed "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
This really freaked me out. I suddenly had the idea that I couldn't leave him alone... he was acting this way because he needed me to hug and rock him (third mistake: I should have let him go and blow off steam for a bit). I followed him to his room. He tried to slam the door and I grabbed his arm to try to keep him from slamming the door (fourth mistake) and he kicked out at me.
I sat on his bed next to him for a bit, not saying anything, as he yelled and yelled and finally calmed down. The saddest thing he said was, "you're never nice and when I get older I'm going to walk to a different house".
After he calmed down, we worked it out. He apologized for losing control of his emotions and fake hitting me. I apologized for grabbing his arm. He said, "it's just that I miss (Foster Mom)". I tried to give him a lot of reassurance... we loved him no matter what, he could tell me what he felt, I was sad that all this happened but I wasn't mad at him. Then he needed a lot of hugging, and we went through the nightly ritual of explaining what we were going to do tomorrow and then the day after.
So I put him to sleep on a better note. Then I called my husband and we talked over it. Thank goodness he's going to be back from his trip in a couple days. I have got to pull it together and stop making these mistakes. I feel sick about it... and also feel like a terrible mom.
We decided to wait a week after Guy gets back, and if Sunny is still acting this volatile even when both of us are around, we're putting the medication back on full dose.
Foster Care System Perspectives
5 comments:
You know, having dad away may have triggered some of this (fear that he won't come back, plus a change in routine) plus the fact that there has been medication changes...just not a good combo overall.
If I were to tell you how many mistakes I've made (and keep making) I'd fill this comment section...we ARE going to make mistakes specially because we started parenting in a non-traditional/conventional manner. I had no idea who my child really was and had to "figure" her out and in the process I sort of stumbled a few times! I was too strict when I should have let things go or I was too inconsistent when she was craving/needing the comfort of a routine. I blamed "attachment, adoption, transracial, etc." when it was just "kid" stuff or overlooked the former when I really should have thought it was related.
I know you feel bad but you are learning as you go and honestly...you seem much more educated/intuitive than I was when I started out in that you catch what goes wrong a lot faster (i.e. it would have taken at least 3 of those for me to figure out "hey...maybe the order of what he needs to do is not so important as long as he does it" yet you seem to be able to step back and assess which is not easy to do now that the figurative/hypothetical child is your child and all those hypothetical behavior issues are right there in front of you. I actually think you are one heck of a mom (new one but a good one) in that many women in the same situation would have taken what a hurting kid says personally (believe me...I saw foster and adoptive moms do that...hold it against the kid afterwards too) yet you know/realize where it's coming from and are there to offer comfort afterwards.
So yeah...you are doing awesome and if my brain weren't fried I'd be able to express it better!LOL
Hugs and hang in there!
You know what they say, hindsight is 20-20. My daughter had her worst meltdowns/rages when we were going through med changes. It was just so much for her brain to handle.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for both of you!!
Just imagine how horrible it would be for Sunny if you never made a mistake, never had to tell him that you shouldn't have done something and you were sorry. He would never learn how to recognize and correct, or how to apologize.
You really are an impressive and thoughtful parent.
You're doing fine.
At least you reflect on how things went - and try to make things better each time - that's the best any parent can do.
Suggestion - get the book 'Choice Theory' by Dr William Glasser.
I've been reading a lot of his stuff this year due to the education & psych units I've been taking (3rd yr BEd degree) Essentially - no one can make anyone do what they don't want to do - we can only change our own behaviour. What can you change in you - to get a better outcome for all of you??
My thoughts - you do need to let some things go - like you've realised. You are trying to make Sunny fit into your mould.
Instead - it would perhaps be better to try to fit in with each other. Give and take.
It's especially hard when you're doing it on your own - with hubby away. Maybe when he's away - have some special little rituals - just you & him - to take the heat off.
Be gentle on yourself.
You're all (all 3 of you) on a huge learning curve.
Love & understanding will get you through - I have no doubt.
He is a confused little boy - who has had a terribly tragic start to life.
Please don't jump in too quickly with higher meds if it's not needed.
I also read your other post about troubles with homework. Again, don't sweat the small stuff.
Hubby is away - things aren't going to plan - you send in a note (not Sunny) to his teacher that homework won't be done this week - and that's fine by you. If his teacher doesn't understand - he's not a very good teacher. Homework is about revising stuff that they've already done - it's not like it's anything major - you'll all live another day if it's missed from time to time. A happy homelife is far more important - and fights about homework will lead to it being a punishment - totally NOT what it's meant to be. You want Sunny to eventually have a life-long love of learning. Making it a chore will kill that right off. Find subjects that intrigue him - his favourite things - and make homework around those things.
Or just have a break sometimes. You be his advocate at his school - be on his side.
We all survive once out of school - even though most of us have gone through periods of really hating the work.
If he's hating it - it's not being presented in a way that reaches him. That's not Sunny's fault - that's the teacher, the content & the way it is presented.
Anyway - that's just my honest opinions.
He's extremely lucky to have found such a loving couple.
Hang in there & he will shine.
Sending you strength and hugz from down under.
Poss. xxx
(Aussie adoptee, mother of 3 & teacher-to-be)
It's 8:20 a.m. and I've already made at least two mistakes. We have challenging kids and we're new at this... mistakes are going to happen. The good thing is you did work it out eventually.
Medication changes are crazy difficult -- when kids are doing well on meds it's impossible to tell if their stable behavior is because the meds are working as they should or because they don't need the meds. I've tried to change Slugger's meds twice and both times were terrible. After the second time, I felt so guilty about it. But it's the only way to tell. Obviously, the goal is to have our kids on less medication. But, on the other hand, if the meds are helping them... then they're a good thing.
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