Nebraska Comment

This is a great comment from that thread I talked about yesterday. I'd really like to mark it here and think about it some more.

# with compassion says:
November 12th, 2008 at 12:44 am

I applaud this forum for the variety and thoughtfulness of opinions offered.

This particular law in Nebraska may need to be revised to accurately reflect its original intent to protect newborns and their mothers. However, the issue of desperate parents who see no other option than to give up their older children is not as isolated as we might wish to think, nor is it going away.

I am a mental health professional working in a state-funded program for teenagers who are beyond their parents' control and still living at home. At least once a week, I hear a parent say, "Have the state come get my child." It is ALWAYS startling to hear. Nearly all of these parents change their minds when they learn that they will face abandonment charges or risk losing their other children. Yet their real and daily struggle doesn’t go away.

In the best of circumstances, parents become actively engaged in treatment; with hard work, real change can be made and relief can be found. Yet too often, I see parents who are already exhausted and frustrated, hoping someone will simply "fix" their child. These are parents who know enough to ask for help and get their kid in a program, but who often turn down family therapy or fail to attend free parenting classes. Parental involvement in treatment is key to success. Some of these parents have physical ailments or mental health issues of their own. Some are single parents already working two jobs whose schedules make it difficult to do the work of family treatment, let alone monitor their child’s whereabouts and well-being. Now factor in that some have children who hit them, steal from them, run away, skip school, abuse drugs, bring strangers into their homes, or have innumerable other mental health or behavioral issues. These parents are demoralized, grief stricken and guilt stricken. Each family has its story and it is simply too easy to label "bad" parents and "bad" kids.

Now picture one of these kids getting pregnant…

A full solution would not just include effective laws, social programs and treatment, but also a reconsideration of how we as a society raise children. Even with treatment, struggling parents and children need extended family, friends, neighbors, and schools to take a real interest, and to offer support when one cannot do it alone. A frightened teen mom, a desperate parent of an out of control teen... how do we let this isolation occur? This is not just a matter for state agencies and law makers. It seems the best response would take place in multiple forums at multiple levels (legal, social, community, educational, family, individual, etc.), although the implementation is apparently not so simple.

I am left with the thought that we should not demonize others for their choices, shortcomings, struggles, or despair. I also agree that we have a society that dictates to everyone that they are supposed to parents yet often fails to address informed decision making about the responsibilities of parenting, or provide resources to those most in need. Sometimes even the best intentioned people find themselves in situations where there seem to be no options. Life does not always go according to plan. Do we alienate, leave it up to someone else, punish or help?