BB and Sunny Update

I haven't posted in a while. I just haven't felt up to long-form writing.

I finally spoke to BB's adoption caseworker... this is the same woman who was also Sunny's caseworker. I got a bit emotional on the phone with her and told her that this process was very hard on everyone, especially Sunny, who often asks us when he's going to be a big brother. I told her I was totally aware of the budget crisis, and that I was also aware that BB's case plan had moved to adoption many months ago, though we had no communication from the state about it. I asked her if things would be easier if BB went to his grandmother (NN) and then we adopted him from her in a private adoption (NN had raised this idea herself a while back). I even asked her if it would make things easier if we hired a lawyer... I added that I didn't mean this in any antagonistic sense, but was posing it as a sincere question.

She didn't have a lot of answers for me, and she didn't have good news either. Things have changed since they did the contract to place Sunny with us; because of the budget crisis, it's even harder for their state to work with private agencies like ours. If they don't have budget approval to do the contract with the agency, our agency would have to transfer our homestudy to Dekalb County and have them do placement and post-placement supervision. That would present another roadblock and potential area for delays.

We'll find out in the next few days whether this county transfer has to happen or not. BB has been in limbo for 14 months already.

At this point, if the ball ever gets rolling, they'll also determine subsidy information if he's special needs. I'm sure that by now he really is "special needs" according to the state definition. For those who aren't familiar with foster adoption terminology, special needs doesn't necessarily involve any defined mental or physical handicap. Special needs really just means "it's harder to find adoptive parents for this child than it would be for a healthy white infant". There are almost no general adoptions that aren't "special needs" according to some definition.

But BB might have real special needs. His foster mom says she's a bit worried that he can't use the fingers on the right side of his body to grasp things. He still grasps using only his entire right fist. Since she's raised double digits of bio and foster kids over several decades I trust her opinion on his development. And she believes he's behind, though not so behind that needs physical therapy... yet.

The longer he stays with her the more difficult his transition is going to be. It's tough at any stage, but some stages are probably worse. A toddler is more aware of different people than an infant, but they're not able to express the emotions they're feeling, like Sunny was when he came to us at the age of 6.

We're going there for Halloween -- just Sunny and I -- so I'll get a chance to see BB. This quick weekend visit is a big treat for Sunny, because he loves talking about how much fun the great big foster family has doing Halloween stuff together. However, the visit also represents a major break in structure, and that's had some negative effects. He had more fits, got mad on several occasions because I wasn't letting him do things that his foster mom let him do (and he almost never uses that complaint), has been especially needy, and regressed in terms of what he wants to watch and read. He's been watching Dora cartoons that are way below his level, but they're obviously comforting him, so we don't discourage that.

I'm a big believer in openness, and I don't think the visit itself is having these negative effects. Instead, it's the break in structure. If we had already established a clear schedule of exactly when we would visit his family, this wouldn't be as much of an issue. I think in the future we'll have to establish a single date and stick to it on a yearly basis. I can't afford much more than that... each visit means at least two plane tickets, a hotel room and a rental car.

Sunny has had some rough episodes recently, but this weekend, we also had some wonderful times with him. On Sunday, we went walking on the trails at the Chattahoochee Nature Center, and Guy taught Sunny how to skip stones into the beaver pond. Later that day, when they were driving together, Sunny wrote Guy a note:

"You are the best dad I love you and I will love you forever"