Visit Coming Up

Sunny's bio grandma is coming to visit at this end of this month. We invited her to stay with us, she initially accepted, but she's changed her mind and decided to stay in a hotel. This is fine with us. On the other hand, I'm worried that she said she's never left her home state before, but she's planning on driving all the way to Atlanta because she's scared of flying. I wouldn't do that by myself. I'd fly or take the bus. I know my tolerance for continuous periods of driving and it's not that high.

A lot of the things she says make me feel rather nervous and embarrassed. She's very Catholic, and will tell me I've been sent by heaven, for example. I think the visit is going to be great for her, and great for Sunny, but I'm not looking forward to it personally.

Not knowing her at all, I used to resent her greatly. Then my attitude changed a lot. I accepted the fact that I will never know, and Sunny will never know, the whole picture of why she couldn't take care of him, and I let go of resentment based on that. She has her version, other people have theirs. Judging her only on the contact we've had since Sunny has been placed with us, I cannot blame her or feel any ill will towards her. She loves her grandchildren very much.

Placing our relationship in context... on a scale of Non-Elective Relative Likability, with 1 being my insufferable, manipulative uncle and 10 being my mother, I'd give her a 6. I'd have given my uncle a zero, but I upgraded him after I met my cousins' step-grandfather at a family graduation. This man slipped me some passive-aggressive racist insults within 60 seconds of meeting me for the first time. The reason I hadn't met him before is that he'd been exiled from my cousins' family for a decade because he told my male cousin to "stop acting like a fag". My cousin was eight years old at the time. Shortly after the graduation, Step-grandfather went off to the border to try and shoot some Mexicans with the Minutemen. My cousins' grandmother died a few years ago, which is sad; her death also means there is absolutely no reason for anyone I know to ever contact him again, which is awesome.

Any time I think "Oh boy, I wish I wasn't having this awkward conversation with this certain relative" I'll remember that guy, because in comparison, everyone else is a wonderful joy to talk with.

Anyway, I once had a nice talk with her about different personalities, when I mentioned that I want to put Sunny in an acting class when he gets older. She talked about how dramatic she is, how she loved acting classes when she was a girl, and how dramatic her daughter was too! It'll be good for Sunny to see that quality reflected in a relative.

I suppose one difficulty in talking with her is the imbalance of power. I have the power, she doesn't. She's always thanking me for allowing her to have contact. She told me that she gave up a baby for adoption at birth, into a closed adoption, and that's obviously had a huge impact on her. It's sad to think that Sunny has another relative out there that he will almost certainly never know.

I've told her before that she can call us anytime, but she says that would be presumptuous, so she always waits for me to call her.

I hope that we'll eventually get into an extended family relationship where she feels more secure and doesn't have to keep apologizing and being thankful all the time. But I can't force her into a frame that she doesn't want to fit in order to satisfy my own needs. She prefers what she's used to... she's older than me and it doesn't feel right to tell her what she should or shouldn't believe.