The End of Our Long Back-to-School Nightmare?

Sunny had a five-star day yesterday, the first one he's had since beginning the behavior chart. I think it's also the first time he got the "No Backtalking" star. To clarify, we define backtalk as saying "NO I WON'T" when asked to do something like brush his teeth or set the table. Light arguing and bargaining attempts don't count as backtalk.

We gave him a ton of praise and lots of well wishes that he could earn the same number of the stars today.

I think his ability to bring himself back down from a rage has improved. I had to hold him down on Sunday night, but I was able to let him back up again after only half a minute of holding. The difference was that as soon as I had him down, instead of raging and screaming, he took a series of long, deep breaths.

Ojiichan arrived on Monday, and will be staying with us for the next two weeks. He brought Sunny a new Hawaiian suit (matching shirt and shorts in a loud polyester flower print) for Sunny's Hawaiian suit collection. Sunny loves these suits, and I can't stress enough how striking he looks in them!

We've signed Sunny up for afterschool care. He likes it, and it gives Guy a nice break. Instead of picking up Sunny at 3pm, he's got a couple extra hours to get stuff done. I think between that and our new no-homework-at-home regime, we'll have the structure that Sunny needs. His behavior often falls apart on the weekends when he gets bored, so that's something we need to work on more. Soon enough we're going to have structure up the wazoo. Weekdays: chess club, gymn lessons, tutoring, therapy. Weekend: swimming and/or hip-hop dance lessons, church.

Also, I just had a great conversation with my cousin. She called me up and we talked about some of the communication problems we've been having. Her issue was that my mother had told her that we had been talking about her situation, so my cousin wanted to hear what I had to say directly. So I cleared everything up... I told her, I would love to have told her these things directly, in fact that would be my usual mode, but I didn't want to upset her because I knew she was very sensitive about being judged, and I didn't want to make her feel worse, but if she was ready to hear, I was ready to talk. And I was just concerned she was spending too much time wrapped up in other peoples' problems instead of working on her own.

She told me she didn't see it that way: she could detach enough from the drama, and her circle of friends from Alanon was really supportive, and her sponsor didn't encourage codependency, and so on. She was happy and felt like she was finally starting to get a grip on her life. But she could see why my mother and I might think the way we did. I responded saying that the fact that we were even having this conversation showed that she was doing really well.

I didn't say this, but I still don't agree 100% with the path she's on. But it's her path, and if she's doing well on it, great. I totally meant what I said about her conversation with me showing that she's improving in confidence.

I explained to her that I'm a really blunt, judgemental person, and to look at how often I tell other family members what to do. I just gave my father a lecture last night for drinking a glass of wine... what did he think he was doing, giving himself cancer! I'll often tell people, you should do such and such. But if they don't do it, or tell me to butt out, I don't get mad. I'm judgemental but I'm not a control freak.

She says she wants to be able to talk more, without any awkward silence between us. So I'll open up more, and she'll tell me what her boundaries are instead of assuming that I can read her mind. I told her that's a great idea and I'd be happy to do that.

She also told me she wasn't angry about my decision not to let her drive Sunny. She was mad at the situation, and her car crashes, but not mad at me. I was relieved.

Anyway, I feel like we've made a breakthrough in our relationship, and I'm very happy about that.