Another Visit?

We were initially planning on visiting Sunny's home state once a year.  This year, we already went in March.  However, I'm thinking of going again for Halloween.  Sunny always talks about how awesome Halloween is with his foster family and all the fun stuff they would do, so it would be a wonderful treat for him. 

A major negative would be the expense of the visit, especially since we just had some minor flood damage and I still don't know how much that's going to cost to renovate.  Then, another positive AND negative to the potential visit would be the fact of seeing BB.  The situation with BB has become increasingly painful for me.  I'm at the point where I dread seeing pictures of him.  My stepfather was recently able to visit the foster family as a side trip from his business trip, and he's about to send a bunch of pictures he took... he told me BB has curly blond hair starting growing on his head now.  Honestly, I felt the news like a slap in the face from nowhere.  I just want to crawl into a hole and wait for news that 1) BB is coming to live with us 2) he's going to stay there, maybe adopted by Sunny's foster mom.  I would make it through either way, but I can't stand this waiting around.

He's getting older and older and more at risk for attachment issues when/if the move does happen.  The only reason I know of that they haven't placed him with us is that the state has a budget crisis (like all states nowadays) and his case doesn't have high priority.  He has a great placement, nobody is arguing about where he needs to go, so what's the rush?  That's how they must think.

I would like to see BB, but I also don't want to see him. I don't want to see him grown up so much and think that for the last 13 months he should have been living with us and taking his first steps with us and saying his first words with us.

I need to put on my big girl panties and just look at the pictures and try to be happy.