Does Anyone Have Advice For Me - Sunny's Mother Has Just Passed
I'm a bit numb right now.
About once a week or so, Sunny would say sadly, "I'm never going to see Mommy __ again". I told him it was natural to miss her, then tried to cheer him up by saying that she would always be in his heart. Then I'd ask him if he wanted to write her a card. He usually didn't; the concept was a bit too abstract. I was just about to send her my second packet: a letter describing his back to school experience, some pictures and a signed card from Sunny. I'd planned on writing letters every 2-3 months for a year, then as long as she sounded healthy, having phone calls. And then in the future, maybe when he was ten or so, when we went to visit his foster mom we could visit with her too...
Now I'm quietly mourning a woman I've never met.
I got the news from his ex-worker this morning.
I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to the funeral. It might be something that would be really good for him, in the long run. He could also see his foster mother again. On the other hand, maybe it would traumatize him too much. The funeral would almost certainly be open casket. He's been living with us for less than three months. It also means exposing him to the same relatives that rejected him because of the color of his skin. His foster mom thinks he shouldn't be taken. His ex-worker thinks he should. It's all up to us.
And she'd also just had a baby. Same father as Sunny. The worker asked, and I told her we'd adopt the baby if that's what it came to. I don't look at that as a bad thing or good thing, it's just one of the responsibilities we signed up for when they matched us with Sunny. The worker said that's what the mother would have wanted. As far as I'm concerned, if it happens it happens.
The only decision is the funeral... oh man.
Foster Care System Perspectives
12 comments:
Oh my goodness.
I can't give advice for what to do with Sunny, because I don't know his ability to process things like that.
If it were Slugger, I would talk to him about it and maybe find a way to visit her grave site after ward. But going to the funeral wouldn't be possible because there are too many unsafe people associated with his birth mom and seeing them would be too traumatic for Slugger.
And, wow, on the baby. Slugger has a younger sister and I know I would take her in a heartbeat if it comes to that. Is the baby in foster care now or has someone stepped up to care for him/her?
Wow, that is so rough. I really don't feel like I am equipped to offer advice as I have no children. The only thing I can think is that if you bring him, he might appreciate having gone when he is older?
Whoa. That is a heavy thing to have to deal with. I don't have any advice, but I will keep Sunny, his family and your family in my thoughts.
AmFam
@Maggie: we don't know anything about the baby yet. This has all just happened so recently. Sunny's maternal family aren't criminals, or dangerous... I think the worst-case scenario is that they'd try to exclude him. I know that almost all of them refused to take care of him and thought the family would be better off without him. One uncle wanted to adopt, but gave up when the grandfather told him he would be disowned if he adopted Sunny.
@Lisa: That's exactly what I'm thinking too.
@AmFam: Thanks.
I can't tell you what to do, but we've decided that when Huckle's mom, dad, or grandmother die (which may be very soon), we're taking Huckle to the funeral, even though there are safety concerns. Even if it is very difficult at the time, I wouldn't want to have to explain myself to Huckle when he's older.
I'm glad you've already made a decision regarding his brother. My husband and I still waver a bit (mostly because of the safety stuff and the increased exposure that would come if we were to be foster parents to Huck's future/possible sibling/s).
I'll be thinking of all of you. I'm so sorry.
I would take him. I would also take a disposable camera and, as discreetly as possible, take photos for your son.
I know photos from a funeral sounds a little morbid, but it seems to be a common practice at least in the Deaf community, and for my friends there, it seems to bring comfort later on.
Your son might have trouble processing the idea that his biological mother died right now, but photos, pictures and memories will help him later on.
If you do go, be sure to go in a rented car, so potentially troublesome birth family members won't know what kind of car you drive.
I'm so sorry...
A lot depends on how he can (currently) handle the visit and seeing her in a casket. Were he a bit older (and had he more contact previously) I'd say "take him" but I'm not sure how it would all affect him now...on the other side, you could take him and serve as a buffer in terms of how he is taking things in(gets too sad or excited and you can limit or pull back a bit) and help him process the whole thing (starting now of course) knowing that it will take months (if not longer) of "after" care for grief/mourning (in other words...you and daddy would have to be up for the aftermath if any).
There are things to consider: his maturity, his understanding of the concept (death), how he internalizes grief/pain/strong emotions, how upset the people there will be (some funerals are helpful in helping little ones understand the cycle of life but others can frighten even adults...depends on how people behave and if the kid is used to it). Some kids will have lots of questions but still cope (w/ family help) yet others will have nightmares and incessantly dwell on it...hard to say.
I know I'm not being much help...is just depends on the particular kid and the specific circustances (would the people there make things better or worse)...the only good thing about this though is that either way (whether you err by taking him or you err by not)he'd have the two of you to help him sort this out.
Hugs to all of you.
@Maerlowe: glad to hear from you... please give us an update at Spotted Dog when you can!
@Fosterabba: If we go I will take pictures.
@Eos: it's definitely a complicated decision. If it's possible, it might be best to go to a viewing but not the funeral.
My first thought was the same as Maggie's. If you decide that the funeral is too much, having a private graveside "service" might be good. Maybe someone else would take photos of the actual funeral for him to look at when he is ready.
But those are just ideas. I can't tell you what is best for him because I don't know him.
Wow, what a curveball! Lots of thoughts coming his way (and yours).
Might it be possible for you to arrange a private viewing with the funeral home? Or go to a viewing type service very early or very late so there might not be a big crowd? That would give him the opportunity to see her and have some closure, but avoid the family drama (and the stress of having to sit through an emotional service).
I'm so sorry. I have no advice although what Eos has written resonates with me. Sunny is in my thoughts. :(
I'm so sorry to hear of Sunny's mom's death. What a difficult thing to work though. I'm afraid I have no advice to offer, but I'll be thinking of you all.
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