First Impressions of Our Son

This is going to be a really hard post to write! Excuse me if it's not that long... I'll try to write more later.

We had our first visit this weekend.

Sunny is the cutest, sweetest, funniest little boy in the world! I wish I could post pictures. I sent one to my dad -- AKA the bitterest, grumpiest, contrariest man in the world -- and his immediate response was: "a beautiful child!"

Sunny is smart! When we went to visit a restaurant, he was really excited because our GPS system told us to turn right, but he knew it was on the left (he had visited it only once before) so he "beat the GPS". He's proud he can spell blue and red (but not yellow yet). He figured out the zoom button on my videocamera, and explained the concept of a DVR/Tivo to me; his foster mom doesn't have one, but they do at his friend's house.

When we all first met, he was happy but a little anxious. He dealt with it really well. Every once in a while he would say "hugs!" and run and hug me or my husband or his foster mom. He calls us his mom and dad to differentiate from the other mom and dad, the ones that he shares with the rest of a large, rambunctious (but also nice and well-behaved) group of kids.

His foster mom says his current medication is doing well, and has really cut down the tantrums and improved his school behavior. Unlike the other drug, bad side effects haven't shown up yet. He didn't have any tantrums at all while we were with him. He has a short attention span and gets frustrated easily, but if we tell him "no" he only goes into a dramatic pout for about 5-10 seconds and then moves on.

We haven't 100% decided our approach to the medication yet. We'll see how things go after placement.

When he moves in, we're not going to have any kind of video games or even electronic games. I noticed that with these games, all the other kids in the house are older, and he thinks he's at their level when he's not, so he gets frustrated and wants to move on to another game after playing one for 15 seconds. Having a lot of brothers and sisters is good, on one hand, because he has practice with social skills. He's great at sharing. He'll play for a little bit then say "you play now!" But being the youngest is hard on him, too. He loves jobs and chores and being in charge of things.

I think we're really lucky he's had such a good placement... his foster mom is great. Naturally our family will do things differently, but I instantly agreed with more than 90% of the things she is doing and took a lot of mental notes to try and parent in a similar way.

I've decided he's either going to be an engineer or a lawyer.

We went to Cracker Barrel for dinner, and due to heavy volume, we got trapped in the store section for ten minutes. Here's an example of lawyer-like behavior involving the exploration of multitude of possible interpretations:

"Can I have that?" (points at Moon Pie)
- "No. Too sweet."
(pouts) "Can I have a snack"?
- "Maybe a little cracker"
"Can I have that little cracker?" (points at Moon Pie, which is gigantic)
- "No. It's not a cracker and it's too sweet."
(pouts) "Can I have a sandwich"?
- "Maybe at dinner"
"Can I have that sandwich?" (points at Moon Pie)
- "No."
(pouts)

I could see that kind of tenacity working in a courtroom, if you take out the pouting parts!

The adults that know him agree, he has "a light inside him". When he smiles or laughs or yells "OH YEAH!" it's just so powerfully contagious.

A First Black Presidency in the Light of Mexican History

(cross-posted at Rachel's Tavern)

There is an interesting discussion going on right now over at The Field Negro about what the first black President would actually mean for America.

Here are some points I'll summarize from the post and then from the ensuing discussion.

• Many white people may be voting for Obama in the assumption that if he's elected, racism will magically cease to exist. This false perception might actually make things worse for black people.


• But the people in charge right now (Republican conservatives) don't believe racism exists anyway.


• Obama's potential victory would represent a great advance for black people, especially in their sense of self-worth.


• Obama is running for President of America, not President of Black America. As such, it's wiser to vote not from a black perspective, but from an American citizen perspective.


• Black people should not expect that black elected leaders will accomplish everything; change also needs to come from the individual and community level.

I want to take a detour and talk about a fascinating precedent from our neighbor, Mexico. This precedent helps gives a global perspective to the question "what could the first black President mean for America."

Benito Juárez (1806-1872) was the president of Mexico for four terms in the 19th century. The story of his personal background and rise to power is awe-inspiring. He was the son of Zapotec villagers in the mountains in the south of Mexico. One day, he walked down from the mountains into town and took shelter at a church. He was 12 years old, illiterate, and could not speak Spanish, only Zapotec.

Educated by priests, he learned Spanish, studied law, became a lawyer, then a judge, then began a political career. The barriers to all of this cannot be overstated. 19th-century Mexico was a caste-ridden society with full-blooded indigenous people at the bottom, mestizos in the middle and the white criollos at the very top. At every single step of the way, his facial features would have marked him out for exclusion and prejudice.

His Liberal party stood for reform against the more traditionalist Conservatives. He believed in secular, humanist and egalitarian ideals. He considered himself an ally of Lincoln, and when the Confederacy asked his government for help, he threw their emissary in jail, then deported him, "saying he would never give support to a country that held nearly one-third of its people in permanent bondage." He believed in the separation of church and state and wanted to end the rule of the Catholic Church, which controlled vast amounts of land, the educational system and great political power.

The Conservatives hated him so much that when Juárez was elected, they invited in the French army to take over Mexico. They would rather destroy Mexico's independence than live under a Juárez presidency.

Juárez's government fled to the north of Mexico and regrouped. He spent much of his time in office fighting off the French, and finally won. The French-installed usurper, Emperor Maximilian I, was sentenced to death. Four years later, Juárez died of a heart attack while working in his office.

Juárez is one of Mexico's best-loved Presidents. His face is on peso notes; he is everywhere memorialized in municipal names and public statues. Juárez is praised for preserving Mexico's independence against invading Europeans and advancing Mexico from semi-feudalism into the early stages of capitalism. His successor, the long-reigning Porfirio Díaz, is as hated as Juárez is loved. Díaz basically sold out Mexico to the United States and let it slide back into stagnation; his reign was so incredibly regressive it led to the Mexican Revolution of 1911.

What did this mean for indigenous Mexicans? After all, Juárez was the first truly native ruler in 300 years, since the time of Moctezuma and Cuauhtémoc. In this respect, his legacy was mixed. His rule was undoubtedly good for all Mexican citizens, especially when he's compared with his most miserable predecessors and successors. He did much to release the death grip of feudalism and theocracy. On the other hand, to drive forward his vision of modernity, he was ruthless and held no ethnic loyalty. His land reforms destroyed a particular form of communal land ownership and left indigenous people much more vulnerable to having their remaining land expropriated. He attacked not only traditions that hurt them, but traditions that helped them.

Today, the status of Mexico's indigenous people is better than in the 19th century. But it's still not very good. The modern-day veneration of Juárez coexists with severe structural oppression and an informal caste system. To give you some idea of how strong this system is… I once browsed some Mexican job ads and noticed a requirement for many jobs: "buena presentación". I asked a Mexican friend what this meant. "Is it like 'professional demeanor'?" He said, cynically, "it means you shouldn't look too Indian or they won't hire you."

19th-century Mexico isn't 21st-century America, of course. The parallel is inexact but illuminating. The first black President of America won't signify an end to racism… perhaps even not in 100 years. It's just one of many steps in many intersecting paths along the way. On the other hand, a lot can happen in 100 years. I don’t think I'll see the end of racism and casteism in my lifetime, but I still hold out hope it will happen in the lifetime of my grandchildren.

Obama Sweeps Hawaii - So Ha!

This is probably going to be my final word on the whole "Asians won't vote for black candidates" silliness.

After Super Tuesday, I wrote:

Latino and Asian Obama supporters are going to work twice as hard now. It's possible that with greater name recognition we can reverse the trend.

One test of my theory is how well Obama does among Asian voters in Hawaii. With all his Hawaiian family ties, he should do very well.

Well today...

Obama Wins Hawaii in a Landslide

U.S. Sen. Barack Obama, who was born and raised in Hawai'i, won the state's Democratic presidential caucus in a landslide yesterday. Obama had 28,347 votes, or 76%, to U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton's 8,835 votes, or 24%, with 100% of the precincts reporting.

Ha! I've never been a gambler, but I feel like I should have put some money down on this race.

Foster Care Adoption Advice for People Starting Out - Part I

I just got a comment I should address now, as it's one that other readers may also be asking. Elaine comments:

... when you adopt from foster care, are you a foster mother first and then after a period of time you can finalize an adoption? Does the foster care system give you support (educational, emotional, resources, etc) during the pre-adoption period? Do you receive any financial support prior to finalization? What if problems arise? I am interested in the whole foster care system and adoptions from it.

There are three ways you can adopt from foster care. This doesn't count long-term foster placements by the way; these are just routes that lead to adoption.

1) Straight fostering. You get a foster license and begin taking foster placements. You can specify what kind of placements you accept. You will be expected to support whatever goal has been decided for the child. When one of your foster children is freed for adoption due to termination of parental rights, you will often be positioned first in line to adopt them.

2) Foster-to-Adopt. You get a foster license and begin taking foster placements, with the understanding that you are in this with the end goal of adopting. Your placements will be "adoption track" placements. This doesn't guarantee that the end result will not be reunification or kinship placement.

3) Straight Adoption. This is what I signed up for. You get a foster license, although it's often modified and different from a regular license. Your placement will be of children whose parental rights have already been terminated.

One of the big issues with foster care adoption is that it's incredibly variable. Some counties or states don't have foster-to-adopt programs at all. You can still foster with the goal of adopting, but your status is the same as any other foster parent.

There are three different kinds of intermediaries to use:

1) Directly through the state. Your local county will probably have the most placements. They will likely focus on fostering and foster-to-adopt. Straight adoption is not their priority. They only place local kids and will not cross state lines. There will be varying degrees of function and dysfunction... counties with less money will have really minimal services, everything is run on crisis mode and removed kids often have to spend the night on a couch in the social worker's office or even in jail. Most everyone I know says that their level of support from the local county/state is horrible, turnover is intense and that they are routinely lied to.

2) Private agency. There are many different kinds. I chose a local, secular agency. Some of the religious ones have restrictions I don't agree with. The large mainstream Protestant ones -- e.g. Lutheran, Methodist -- often don't have restrictions. These agencies contract with the state to place children. They will do a range of fostering, foster-to-adopt and straight adoption. My agency specializes in straight adoption from foster care. These agencies are usually completely free, like the state. You will get varying degrees of support, but I have always heard that you get more support from an agency than you would from the state.

3) Semi-Independent. If you go this route you pay someone to write your homestudy, pay your own lawyer, etcetera. I'm not familiar with this route so I can't say much about it. I've heard it's extremely difficult. Caseworkers for children don't like to talk directly to parents in the beginning stages.

There are two kinds of kids:

1) Special needs. Almost any child up for straight adoption is going to have special needs. It's a meaning of the term that basically indicates "harder to place". Here's the Georgia definition:

As defined for the purpose of adoption, Special Needs includes:
* African-American children older than one year of age
* Three or more brothers and sisters who need to be placed together
* Children age eight and older
* Children with documented physical, emotional or mental disabilities
* Two brothers and/or sisters, one of whom has a special need

In Atlanta, African-American children between one and eight are only technically listed as special needs. There are many parents who are very excited to adopt them. But in other areas of the state, such as predominantly rural white areas, they might be much harder to place.

I've heard some people say that having race listed as a special need is racist. The way I see it, it's that being a victim of racism is a special need. It simply reflects an ugly reality. Racial disproportionality in the foster care system is a terrible problem.

Special needs children will come with Medicaid and variable monthly subsidies. NACAC has more information.

2) Non-special needs. I don't know much about this area. I think these are infants. They might not get Medicaid or a subsidy, but sometimes they do. If a woman gives birth at a hospital, walks away and never comes back, and the infant is healthy, I think this would be the category.

Some more general guidelines and support specifics:

• Infants and very young children don't go into straight adoption unless they have major real special needs. Fostering or foster-to-adopt is the established route if you are only willing to adopt a very young child.
• The state will often be in "tit for tat" mode with foster parents: if you want an "adoptable" kid, you need to rack up brownie points by taking care of some "unadoptable" ones. The whole dynamic sounds kind of creepy, with everyone exploiting each other. I think that's why some locations don't even have foster-to-adopt programs. It seems like it's better to rely on a core of great foster parents who can whole-heartedly support a non-adoption goal, but there are often not enough of these around.
• When you foster, you are always paid a fostering subsidy. When you are in a straight adoption pre-adoptive placement you also get a subsidy. After you adopt you get a subsidy based on special needs level. Adoption subsidies are less than fostering subsidies; adoption ultimately saves money for the state.
• A special needs adoption gives you a $10-11,000 tax credit. These adoptions don't cost much money, so it's not a reimbursement, it's just a lump sum that reduces your taxes paid. The credit can be taken over several years. If your income is very high it phases out. The terrible part is that if your income is low and you don't pay enough taxes, you might not get the whole amount! Also, if you adopt a larger sibling group, it's very unlikely you'll get the full amount for each child back.
• Children with special needs are covered by Medicaid.
• Any route you take involves extensive mandatory training. My husband and I have taken almost 40 hours of formal training (and much more in informal research). The quality of the training can vary. I thought ours was great but I've heard other people say theirs was terrible.
• Foster-to-adopt can be difficult for people with no children. If you are desperate for a child the emotional impact of returning a child can be stronger. On the other hand, if you already have children, there's another impact to consider... how will they handle having a brother or sister going away?
• There are a million problems that can and do arise. Failed placements or adoption disruption, of course.
• In terms of pre-placement emotional support, I doubt the state will give you anything. The social workers are too busy taking care of immediate emergency needs of children to babysit foster or adoptive parents. You may get more support from agencies. Generally, we're on our own. It can get really depressing. Just look at some of my posts from December. Internet and local support groups are incredibly helpful. I would have quit this six months ago if I hadn't already met people who had done it successfully.
• After placement, support is (again) variable. Respite care is important. The only way to find out about post-placement support is to talk to people in your location.

Non-Grumble

I take some of what I said in the last post back.

I was just at a large lunch, and when I talked about our upcoming visit it sparked a great conversation with an adult adoptee. She shared a lot of her perspective, and at one point she said, "maybe I'm going into too much detail here" but I just said, "go ahead, after all, I'm a new parent and I'm soaking everything up like a sponge!"

Grumble Grumble

Most of the time now, I'm just really excited and busy. Adoption preparation keeps me busy. Plus, this is beautiful weather and prime gardening time (last weekend I spent 4 hours every day ripping up sod and mulching). Work keeps me busy. Blogging keeps me busy. I've signed on to guest blog at APA for Progress as well as Rachel's Tavern.

Still, I'm going to take some time here to grumble.

I'm starting to tell more and more people about our adoption. The reaction tends to be what I consider normal, except for one thing. I've been getting a lot of "which country"? And then I have to explain that we're adopting a 5-year-old boy. I've started saying "we're adopting a very tall and active baby". It's very odd. The reaction isn't quite negative, just sort of bemused. Often people will say "my (insert relative) adopted a baby from (insert country)" and then just go quiet.

I think I must have gotten very accustomed to foster care adoption world. I realized this recently when someone told me "my 7-year-old was physically and sexually abused by her father" in a regular tone of voice and my only response was an equally regular "oh, ok". In most social circles this kind of dialog would be just plain weird.

In the predominantly white middle-class social environment that I'm inhabiting about 80% of the time, I guess international infant adoption is the default adoption. Frankly, that irritates me. I mean, I understand the reasons. I've written about many of them here on this blog. Still, encountering this in action is more affecting than I thought it would be.

International adoption has some horrendous problems but I'm not against it on principle, and we might have tried adopting from Japan if that route had fewer roadblocks. But I don't think it should be the default. I am not going to walk around with a holier-than-thou attitude because we adopted from foster care... but I will do my best to gently remind people there are a lot of kids in this country. Foster care adoption is not for everyone, but it should at least show up on the radar.

House Bills to Support on Foster Care

I read about these at the NACAC blog, Reform Foster Care Now. There have been several bills introduced recently which sound like they should be supported. I'll email Hank Johnson about them.

The latest:

Key House Leader Introduces Broad Child Welfare Reform Bill

On February 14, Representative Jim McDermott (D-WA), chairman of the Ways and Means Subcommittee on Income Security and Family Support (which has jurisdiction over the nation’s child welfare system) introduced The Investment in Kids Act, which seeks the first comprehensive reform of the U.S. child welfare system in nearly 30 years.

“Every American kid deserves a safe home and a secure life, and in the case of vulnerable children, it is up to us to make sure that happens,” McDermott said.

The legislation (HR 5466) would:

• provide additional funding to help states in their efforts to strengthen families and protect vulnerable children;
• make all foster children eligible for assistance for the first time (only 43% of foster children received federal aid in 2006);
• provide assistance to states to improve and retain their child welfare workforce;
• eliminate the aging out of foster kids at age 18 by extending support to the age of 21; and,
• provide financial support to grandparents and other relatives who want to care for foster children.

These critical changes would provided needed support that help vulnerable children have permanent families, and ensure that those families have the support they need.

Children can't wait. The time for reform is now.

The Meeting with Our Caseworker Went Well

Once we finally got face-to-face contact today, I felt better. We got a lot of good advice and took copious notes. Now we're ready for subsidy negotiation.

The amount of appointments is daunting. We need at least five separate:

1) a comprehensive psychological assessment appointment
2) a psychiatrist
3) a therapist
4) a pediatrician
5) a dentist

This doesn't count any educational or other type of assessment appointment.

We're starting to narrow down the field, but it's going to take a lot of work next week.

During the visit, we'll meet Sunny, his foster family, his caseworker again, maybe a teacher, and his therapist. I want to wait to make a therapist appointment here until we talk with his current therapist and get more of an idea of what to look for.

We're going to bring some small portable games to play with Sunny, like Uno. Our caseworker advised us to get some quality time together with him... low stimulus, like just hanging out in our hotel room or going on a walk.

Doctors and Social Workers

The foster mom told me that Sunny has been taken off his medication because he was exhibiting side effects. Now, his doctor has decided to put him back on a completely different medication. I'm a bit worried about this. I was hoping we would get to meet him in an unmedicated state. It doesn't sound like he's horribly unmanageable and miserable off medication, so why put him on a different medication at this point? This really underlines the necessity of getting him a good doctor here. I want to be 100% sure that any medication he takes is really in his long-term best interest. I'm not casting aspersions on his foster mom; she's simply following the advice she's given.

I'm also frustrated because it's been so hard to contact our caseworker all this week and last week. We have some really important paperwork to go over. I email, I leave one voicemail message a day, I call three times a day: morning, mid-afternoon and late afternoon. I consider that persistent, but not obnoxious. It doesn't work. My secret weapon is that my husband works from home, so I can always send him by the office. This is what he did yesterday, and now we finally have an appointment. Our caseworker said that they're doing an unprecedented amount of matching and having lots of staffings; they're "experiencing growing pains". I told him that's just a slippery way of saying "we're understaffed". I do think they're doing their best, but let's get real, understaffing there has been a serious problem for at least a year now.

I'm going to complain about my husband now. He reads my blog and knows about this complaint already. He trusts doctors and social workers and other experts way too much! I'm more suspicious. I believe in showing respect for experts. Yes, they know more than I do. However, these experts don't have my best interest as their sole interest. They have lots of other motivations, like "how can I handle this patient so my insurance company is happy" or "I don't want to get in trouble for breaking a rule" or "I'm really tired today and I'm just going to spout a bunch of crap so that this person will get confused and go away and then I can take a nap". These people have to earn my trust; I'm not going to take their words as holy commandments.


I don't want to end on this grumbling note, especially on Valentine's Day. I'll end with a picture instead. I love my husband :-)

Anna Mae He Case: "Anna Mae Goes to China"

Here's a long article about a major milestone in the Anna Mae He case. I wrote about my reaction to this case last year. My opinion of the Bakers is of course very, very negative. However, I'm glad to note that both families seem to be working together a bit, at least enough to preserve the positive relationship between their daughters.

I just want to note that the tone of the ABC News article is really over the top and offensive at several points. I know that Anna Mae will go through culture shock in China. I don't want to minimize that. But children move between countries all the time. I've certainly experienced it myself. Also, I don't see the news media engaging in this kind of emotional outpouring over the many 9-year-olds who are deported to Mexico after spending their entire lives in this country.

Take this passage:

The child's cultural roots are evident. She thinks Hannah Montana is cool (but can't tell you why); she skates around on retractable roller skate shoes, and at every opportunity, she pulls out her Game Boy. She likes to read, is a straight-A student, and wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up.

And how well she fares in her new home in China is the big question on the lips and in the hearts of everyone from her adoptive parents in Tennessee, to judges who have ruled on her case, social workers who have sought to monitor the transition, friends and family of both the Bakers and the Hes, and an international television audience.

First of all, I wouldn't grant the Bakers the title of "adoptive parents". And secondly, there is NOTHING on that list of "cultural roots", besides Hannah Montana, that is specifically American. A Game Boy? I guess only Americans are allowed to have those. They're such an important part of our cultural heritage! It's as if the writers of this piece expect that the day after landing in China, Anna Mae will be forcibly stripped of her American gear, issued a pointy hat and a bucket and sent out into the rice paddies for the rest of her life.

Message to the Obama Thief

I had two Obama signs in my front yard. You stole one of them last night. I guess you thought one was enough for me.

I know Obama signs are hard to find, and the official online store has been backordered for weeks. I don't care. Buy them somewhere else!

I had two yard signs for a reason; it's because I live on a busy street and want to cover several angles. Now I'll have to buy a replacement. Just because you like Obama doesn't mean you get a license to be a yard sign sneak thief! ARRGH!

Short Timeline and Getting Ready Post

I've been doing most of the shopping. But I got a funny call from my husband today.

"Please, please, talk me out of buying this $200 table that's shaped like a train."

I was able to talk him out of it.

We bought our plane tickets yesterday. We'll be visiting towards the end of this month. Then his caseworker will take Sunny on a weekend visit here. Then, by the end of spring break, he'll move in permanently, with adoption tentatively scheduled in six months.

His foster mom says that Sunny's looking forward to moving somewhere warm where he can play outside more. She says they've been talking about his adoption, and although he doesn't fully understand it, he has some idea. As their conversation goes, he'll miss her (but she'll still be in his life as a relative) and his friends (but he'll make new ones). She says he isn't really that confused by the fact that he's going to have a new "mom" and "dad", because the other young children in the house often have multiple moms and dads.

I'm planning on taking two weeks maternity leave. Since we need to get him back in school as soon as possible, there's no point in taking more (I think). I can use those two weeks to work on appointments: therapists, pediatricians, school. Then I'll go on a reduced schedule for a month, so that I leave at 3pm and help my husband with after-school stuff until our routine starts to settle down.

Racism and Biological Family

Well, we have a timeline. I'll probably make a post about that later. Things are moving quickly. My only worry right now is that my worker has been very slow in getting back to me. I'm in contact with Sunny's caseworker and with his foster mother. His foster mother seems like a really nice, competent and down-to-earth woman.

Sunny's caseworker says that his biological mother would like to talk to me. I've already agreed to exchange letters through the agency. Apparently, it's not a good idea to have identifying information. She's not dangerous, but I think she's still an addict. The caseworker could put both of us on a conference call, so we wouldn't need to give out a phone number.

I said that I'd rather wait. We can always do it at a later time. I really want to exchange some letters first. That way I'll know more about her and she'll know more about me. Also, I'm more articulate in written form than I am verbally. I'm especially not good at talking to adults in emotional pain; my words dry up. She's written me a letter already and left it at the agency, and we'll get it when we travel there on the first visit.

The message that comes to mind is that 1) we will be dedicated to taking care of Sunny 2) we will be honest, but not put her down, and tell Sunny that she faced problems that preventing her from taking care of Sunny as she wanted to 3) we are pulling for her to achieve a good life for herself 4) we can keep up written correspondence, and at some point when Sunny is stable in his new home and feels ready, telephone correspondence.

I feel a lot of sympathy for her. It's a terrible thing to lose your child. Terminal of Parental Rights has already been done, and she knows there is no possibility, ever, of getting him back. The caseworker says "she is very remorseful". She dropped out of contact for quite a while, but got back in touch with the agency when she found out Sunny was being adopted. We'll need to be prepared for the fact that contact will likely be erratic.

Learning more bits and pieces of the story, I was surprised by how much sympathy I felt for her... and how much negativity I felt towards her mother. All I know about the maternal grandmother is that their family is "very dysfunctional" and that the caseworker thinks she didn't support Sunny and his mother well, or try very hard to keep him from entering the foster care system, because Sunny's father is black. That really strikes a nerve for me.

When I was in my twenties, and after my grandparents had both passed, my mother felt able to be more frank with me about the tensions around my birth. Her parents told her she was ruining her life by having a baby with a Japanese man. And ruining my life, too. Before being born, my life was already pre-ruined!

After I was born, there was no talk of ruination and they instantly became the loving grandparents I remember. I was extremely close to my grandfather. My grandmother was not warm and fuzzy -- sharp and angular is more like it -- but I also remember her as loving me very much.

When my mother told me all this, it wasn't much of a surprise or a shock. If she'd told me when I was 12, it would have hurt me immeasurably. But by my twenties I was mature enough to understand it in context. Given the time and the place, my grandparents' reaction was predictable. It didn't make me think any less of them.

There are varying degrees of infection by racism, and I feel quite unforgiving towards those who have it so bad they can't even reach out and help a little baby.

Obama's Poor Showing among Asian and Latino voters

(cross-posted at rachelstavern.com)

I was a passive onlooker in the primary fight until about three weeks ago, when I took the plunge into camp Obama.

I think Obama did very well last night, and he won my home state of Georgia, but I'm really disappointed that Latino voters were voting against him 2-to-1, and Asians 3-to-1. This has been the cause of much gnashing of teeth over at AsianAmericansforObama. Before Super Tuesday, we were reading predictions that Obama would win the Asian-American vote in California. Looks like that poll was completely wrong.

There are two possible factors people are throwing around: racism and conservatism. I don't want to discount the fact some Latinos and some Asians are racist against black people. No two racial or ethnic groups in this country have a perfect history of harmony with each other. Indirect racism could be even more powerful. A Latino or Asian voter might have nagging doubts as to whether the majority of voters -- white people -- will really support a black person in the general election. Simplistic versions of the racism argument -- "Latinos don't vote for black candidates" -- have already been taken apart and debunked at rachelstavern.com and at numerous other places, so I'm not even going to bother talking about them.

My theory is that the main factor is not racism at all, but conservatism. I don't mean conservative ideology, I mean conservative outlook. Many of these voters are newer Americans, or they have ties to communities where others are newer Americans. The mindset is often "don't rock the boat". I know some people with resident cards who are nervous about going to quite peaceful political demonstrations... "just in case". Another example: an ex-roommate of mine, a foreign student, once gave a large donation of money to the Fraternal Order of the Police. Since he didn't have any money at all to spare, we asked him why on earth he did that... it was simply because he got a phone call from an FOP telemarketer. "In my country, when the police ask for money, you give it to them."

This kind of anxiety can continue over into citizenship and be imparted to the next generation. It feeds into conservatism and works against lesser-known transformational candidates like Barack Obama. Clinton has name recognition. She has strong connections to the current political establishment. From this point of view, she's the safer candidate.

Other polls show a strong generational divide: younger for Obama, older for Clinton. This definitely cuts across Latinos and Asians as well. I was shocked by the Asian-American results because all the Asian-American blogs I read are pro-Obama. The really big dog in the pack -- Angry Asian Man -- came out as an Obama supporter! But these bloggers tend to be younger, obviously.

Latino and Asian Obama supporters are going to work twice as hard now. It's possible that with greater name recognition we can reverse the trend.

One test of my theory is how well Obama does among Asian voters in Hawaii. With all his Hawaiian family ties, he should do very well.

Edited to add: Here is a much more sophisticated analysis of the same issue, just posted by Jeff Chang at HuffPo. And another by Kai at Zuky.net.

Weekend Update

Sigh. The bad news for Atlanta police just doesn't stop. Shot by a Buford cop!

BUFORD, Georgia (AP) -- Two off-duty officers from different police departments wounded each other in a gunfight in the middle of a road in an Atlanta suburb, authorities said.

Neither officer's wounds were life-threatening, police said. Their conditions were not immediately known on Saturday.

Officer Jay Daily, a five-year veteran of the Duluth Police Department, exchanged multiple gunshots Friday afternoon with Fulton County Officer Paul Phillips, police said.

Daily was in custody Saturday, charged with aggravated assault, Cpl. Illana Spellman of the Gwinnett County, Georgia, police said.

[...]


"It's been baffling to us why this situation even occurred," said Duluth Police Chief Randy Belcher. "It's an embarrassment to this agency."

We did some very productive school research today, and then went shopping for furniture. It's so difficult because we still know so little at this point. We were looking for a sturdy bed and found a great one for $99 at Ikea. It's simple and made out of coated metal. But then we started vacillating.

"What if he has a bed he's already really attached to?"
"You can't ship kid's beds anyway, they're usually poor quality and just fall apart."
"What if he's used to a really firm mattress and the mattress we get is too soft?"
"Um, we'd better hold off on buying the mattress."
"We're buying a metal bed, OH MY GOD WHAT IF HE'S ALLERGIC TO METAL OR SOMETHING"

... and so on.

We decided to buy the bed but not put it together yet, since it has a 90-day return policy.

Still no word on timeline. Our companion from the agency, Mr. Ridiculously Competent Single Dad, adopted from the same county, and his timeline from match to placement was about three and a half months. We might go quicker because he was the first, and now the paperwork route is clearer. Our next step is a "formal presentation." There's also subsidy negotiation and visitation planning. We need to be mentally prepared for long, frustrating and even terrifying delays.

By the way, I'm in touch with Mr. Single Dad. It turns out Sunny and his son don't have any prior connection, though. His son had alphabet soup diagnoses and was on numerous medications, but Mr. Single Dad thinks much of this was due to needs overstatement... he got his son off all of the drugs except for one daytime ADHD med, and says he hasn't seen even a single sign supporting a RAD diagnosis.

So many of these kids have problems and behaviors that no one tells you about... or else the people involved do know, and they'll just lie to you. But the other side of the coin is that maybe things look worse than they actually are.

Endorsement News

My mother switched from Edwards to Obama now, so we're a united family. Obama has actually stopped visiting Georgia because his victory here on February 5th is looking like a sure thing.

In other endorsement news, "Cooter" from the Dukes of Hazzard is an Obama supporter. The news really caught my eye because when I was a little kid, my grandfather gave me an autographed "Cooter" photo from some political event and it was framed in my room for the longest time...

Cooter: ‘Obama beats all I ever saw’
January 31st, 2008 by Andisheh Nouraee in News

Former Rep. Ben Jones, aka Cooter from “The Dukes of Hazzard,” today endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for president.

Said Jones in a press release:

As a lifelong Southerner, I am much impressed by his sincerity, his down to earth style, and his earnest approach to people of all backgrounds.

Obama could not be reached for a statement, but this afternoon his campaign bus successfully jumped a ravine, after which the junior senator from Illinois leaned out a window and fired arrows of dynamite at rival Sen. Hillary Clinton’s bus. Clinton was not injured, but according to a spokesman, the former First Lady “felt snubbed.”

The press release announcing Cooter’s endorsement is after the jump. Yee-haw!

What to call multiple sets of grandparents?

Cleared up the issue with some phone calls...

- Pop (check)
- Nana (check)
- Ojichan (check)
- Grandpa (check)
- Grandma (check)
- Pawpaw (check)

I Think We're Matched!

As it happened, the other family did back out. It's just us now.

We had a presentation where more information was given to us. Many of our questions were answered. All of this information is hard to process, so excuse these choppy paragraphs.

He's a vivacious and energetic five-year-old boy. He loves playing with cars and trains. He likes to help around the house and he gets along great with all adults and with other kids. On pre-K academic tests, he's in the high range. He has a wonderful smile. My blog nickname for him is going to be "Sunny", for his sunny smile.

He was removed for neglect and has been in the same foster placement for several years. He calls his foster parents "Mom" and "Dad" and is very attached to them. He's had visits with his biomom, and he calls her by her first name. I don't know what he would call us. Maybe "Mommy" and "Daddy"? I don't want to confuse him by taking anyone else's title, but first names don't seem quite right either.

He's been diagnosed with ADHD and possibly bipolar. He's on a mood-stabilizing drug right now. I'm horrified by the particular drug, which is very strong, has at least one nasty side effect and has not been approved for small children. The first thing after placement would be to see if the doctor can take him off that. I'm not anti-med and it's very likely that he will need at least one ADHD drug on an ongoing basis, but if at all possible, I want to get him off the drug he's on now.

According to his therapist, he often engages in power struggles. He has a strong sense that the world should be fair. He can be redirected and understands consequences. He has a great memory but a short attention span. He has an IEP for behavior in the classroom, mostly concerning defiance towards authority, impulsivity and hyperactivity. He doesn't do well on the school bus and hates to sit down and be quiet. He doesn't sleep well, and he wets the bed, two things likely having to do with approaching anxiety about what will happen to him. He knows he's being adopted, even though he doesn't fully understand what it means. He has mood swings and tantrums lasting up to an hour... not aggressive, but with heel-kicking and screaming.

The workers were happy that we were very open to continuing contact, both with the foster parents and his biomom. There's an older half-brother on his father's side that he's never met. His father is in and out of jail. He's not dangerous on the level of the "Schillinger"-dad in Maerlowe's story, but without going into too much detail, he's not a safe person to have contact with. With the mother, there would be information sent through the caseworker (no addresses revealed). For the foster parents, we'd hope to have a lot of contact, plus yearly visits. The social workers said they often had to deal with situations where the adoptive parents were not as open to contact in the beginning. I said, "there's no point in being jealous". This is something our agency has always stressed: keeping positive contact alive.

Sunny's mother is white and his father is black. His foster family is white and they live in an upper-class, primarily white neighborhood. The social workers said that they liked the fact that our family and neighborhood is very diverse. He won't have to grow up being the only black kid, or alternately, being the only kid who doesn't look or sound as black as the other kids. When he starts to have questions and concerns about his identity (which will be just around the corner) we'll try to help him answer them in positive ways.

We didn't need time to discuss it privately... we went ahead and said yes.

The next step is a lot of paperwork. Then there'll be a visitation period. The workers want to do this fairly quickly. Dragging it out over a long period would only increase his anxiety.

I'm always thinking about the worst-case scenario, so I'm still worried that things could fall through in the stages to come. Is it time to give myself permission to feel like a mom? I don't know. "Sunny," who used to be a still, ghostlike figure, is gradually assuming emotional shape and form and color, and is about 80% opaque now, but still translucent.

Since I'm anonymous, I'm free to be very open on this blog. But I also need to establish what I'm not going to reveal:

- the state where Sunny is from
- intimate details of the stories of bio relatives
- medication names
- school details
- first or last names of anyone
- proper names in general

If I happen to know you, and you mention any of this in passing in comments, I'll have to delete the comment. Apologies in advance, and I'll send you an email too.

My husband seems completely unperturbed by this turn of events. It's odd. But he was already more in tune with the reality of this placement happening. He said he just knew it was going to happen. He's busy now thinking of names to give to grandparents, grandmothers and step-grandfathers.

We can start getting the room ready now. We're going to get a playset for the backyard.

This is so exciting!

We're going out tonight to my favorite Vietnamese restaurant to celebrate.

Finished the Movie

I ran into some issues rendering the Ken Burns effect in iMovie, but I solved it with a Quicktime update. I just burned it onto a DVD. It's eight minutes long and it's GREAT. My husband is going to run it by the agency tomorrow and get feedback from our caseworker.

I started it off by having my mother interview us last weekend. She's much more verbally articulate than I am, so she came up with great questions. Then I cut the interview with other short pieces of footage and photos and titles and the funky sound clips that come with iMovie.

I'm really tired...

If we get chosen, the movie will be taken out of state and used to show the boy what his new parents look like.

List of Questions

I cribbed these from a variety of sources. Does anyone have any other questions they think would be important, or links to more lists of questions? I need to review the list in "Parenting the Hurt Child" again.

I don't know if we will ask all of these, since for some of them we already know the answers. Still, most are unknown.

Attachment

Any disruptions?

Do the Foster parents feel they can attach?

How many placements has the child been through, and why did they end?

Basic

Are there any genetic issues that may affect the child later?

Are they currently receiving therapeutic services (psychological, speech, OT, etc.)

Are they on meds?

Do any of the children have any DSM IV diagnoses?

Does the child have any dangerous behaviours -- i.e., a history of fire setting, animal abuse, sexual abuse of other children, injuring others?

Does the child have any diagnosed conditions -- i.e., dyslexia, Attention Deficit Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder? Is there reason to suspect that any such conditions exist that have not been diagnosed?

Does the child have any other health issues that should be of concern?

Has the child been tested for communicable or hereditary diseases?

Have they received counseling for any of the issues that put them in care?

Is there any history of sexual abuse, or sexual acting out? If so, how has it been handled?

Family Origin

Any family history of mental retardation or mental illness?

Are there any birth relatives, foster parents, or others who have had a significant positive impact on the child? Are they willing to remain in touch with the child after adoption?

Are there any relatives who are particularly unsafe or dangerous?

Did the child's parents have addictions to drugs or alcohol?

Does the child have brothers or sisters? How many? How old? Where are they? Why aren't they being placed together? Will they visit?

Is it likely the child's mother used drugs or alcohol while pregnant?

Was there prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol?

Why they were removed in the first place?

Circumstances

How long the children have been in care?

How many reunification attempts have there been, and why did they fail?

When did initial removal occur and how old was the child?

Why isn't the foster family adopting?

Why was the child originally removed from the birth home?

Lifestyle

How do his current caretakers discipline him? Is this method effective?

Are there any photos available of the child in his birth or foster homes that he can bring to his new home?

Does the child attend religious services, and if so, what kind?

Does the child enjoy any particular hobbies?

Does the child have a pet that he would like to bring along?

Does the child have any favourite toys, foods, television shows?

Does the child have any treasured possessions that should come with him?

Does the child participate in any sports or scouting activities?

Is there anything else about the child we should know to ease his adjustments to his new home?

What does the child like to do?

Why do you think they would be a good match to our lifestyle?

What is the community like where the child lives now? Are they used to this community and comfortable there?

School

How does the child socialize in the classroom?

Is this child more or less disruptive than others and how are the disruptions resolved

How frequently does the child come to school without homework assignments done, again how does this compare to other students in the class; what actions does the teacher take to building cooperation to turn in homework

What are his/her best subjects and greatest need for further work

How well does the child interact with classmates in the classroom, at recess

Does the child participate in sports, and if they are team sports how well does (s)he interact with team mates and opposing teams

How does the child do getting on and off the school bus (anxiety?, tardy?)

Ask about their school situation. Do they have IEPs or 504 plans?