What to call multiple sets of grandparents?

Cleared up the issue with some phone calls...

- Pop (check)
- Nana (check)
- Ojichan (check)
- Grandpa (check)
- Grandma (check)
- Pawpaw (check)

I Think We're Matched!

As it happened, the other family did back out. It's just us now.

We had a presentation where more information was given to us. Many of our questions were answered. All of this information is hard to process, so excuse these choppy paragraphs.

He's a vivacious and energetic five-year-old boy. He loves playing with cars and trains. He likes to help around the house and he gets along great with all adults and with other kids. On pre-K academic tests, he's in the high range. He has a wonderful smile. My blog nickname for him is going to be "Sunny", for his sunny smile.

He was removed for neglect and has been in the same foster placement for several years. He calls his foster parents "Mom" and "Dad" and is very attached to them. He's had visits with his biomom, and he calls her by her first name. I don't know what he would call us. Maybe "Mommy" and "Daddy"? I don't want to confuse him by taking anyone else's title, but first names don't seem quite right either.

He's been diagnosed with ADHD and possibly bipolar. He's on a mood-stabilizing drug right now. I'm horrified by the particular drug, which is very strong, has at least one nasty side effect and has not been approved for small children. The first thing after placement would be to see if the doctor can take him off that. I'm not anti-med and it's very likely that he will need at least one ADHD drug on an ongoing basis, but if at all possible, I want to get him off the drug he's on now.

According to his therapist, he often engages in power struggles. He has a strong sense that the world should be fair. He can be redirected and understands consequences. He has a great memory but a short attention span. He has an IEP for behavior in the classroom, mostly concerning defiance towards authority, impulsivity and hyperactivity. He doesn't do well on the school bus and hates to sit down and be quiet. He doesn't sleep well, and he wets the bed, two things likely having to do with approaching anxiety about what will happen to him. He knows he's being adopted, even though he doesn't fully understand what it means. He has mood swings and tantrums lasting up to an hour... not aggressive, but with heel-kicking and screaming.

The workers were happy that we were very open to continuing contact, both with the foster parents and his biomom. There's an older half-brother on his father's side that he's never met. His father is in and out of jail. He's not dangerous on the level of the "Schillinger"-dad in Maerlowe's story, but without going into too much detail, he's not a safe person to have contact with. With the mother, there would be information sent through the caseworker (no addresses revealed). For the foster parents, we'd hope to have a lot of contact, plus yearly visits. The social workers said they often had to deal with situations where the adoptive parents were not as open to contact in the beginning. I said, "there's no point in being jealous". This is something our agency has always stressed: keeping positive contact alive.

Sunny's mother is white and his father is black. His foster family is white and they live in an upper-class, primarily white neighborhood. The social workers said that they liked the fact that our family and neighborhood is very diverse. He won't have to grow up being the only black kid, or alternately, being the only kid who doesn't look or sound as black as the other kids. When he starts to have questions and concerns about his identity (which will be just around the corner) we'll try to help him answer them in positive ways.

We didn't need time to discuss it privately... we went ahead and said yes.

The next step is a lot of paperwork. Then there'll be a visitation period. The workers want to do this fairly quickly. Dragging it out over a long period would only increase his anxiety.

I'm always thinking about the worst-case scenario, so I'm still worried that things could fall through in the stages to come. Is it time to give myself permission to feel like a mom? I don't know. "Sunny," who used to be a still, ghostlike figure, is gradually assuming emotional shape and form and color, and is about 80% opaque now, but still translucent.

Since I'm anonymous, I'm free to be very open on this blog. But I also need to establish what I'm not going to reveal:

- the state where Sunny is from
- intimate details of the stories of bio relatives
- medication names
- school details
- first or last names of anyone
- proper names in general

If I happen to know you, and you mention any of this in passing in comments, I'll have to delete the comment. Apologies in advance, and I'll send you an email too.

My husband seems completely unperturbed by this turn of events. It's odd. But he was already more in tune with the reality of this placement happening. He said he just knew it was going to happen. He's busy now thinking of names to give to grandparents, grandmothers and step-grandfathers.

We can start getting the room ready now. We're going to get a playset for the backyard.

This is so exciting!

We're going out tonight to my favorite Vietnamese restaurant to celebrate.

Finished the Movie

I ran into some issues rendering the Ken Burns effect in iMovie, but I solved it with a Quicktime update. I just burned it onto a DVD. It's eight minutes long and it's GREAT. My husband is going to run it by the agency tomorrow and get feedback from our caseworker.

I started it off by having my mother interview us last weekend. She's much more verbally articulate than I am, so she came up with great questions. Then I cut the interview with other short pieces of footage and photos and titles and the funky sound clips that come with iMovie.

I'm really tired...

If we get chosen, the movie will be taken out of state and used to show the boy what his new parents look like.

List of Questions

I cribbed these from a variety of sources. Does anyone have any other questions they think would be important, or links to more lists of questions? I need to review the list in "Parenting the Hurt Child" again.

I don't know if we will ask all of these, since for some of them we already know the answers. Still, most are unknown.

Attachment

Any disruptions?

Do the Foster parents feel they can attach?

How many placements has the child been through, and why did they end?

Basic

Are there any genetic issues that may affect the child later?

Are they currently receiving therapeutic services (psychological, speech, OT, etc.)

Are they on meds?

Do any of the children have any DSM IV diagnoses?

Does the child have any dangerous behaviours -- i.e., a history of fire setting, animal abuse, sexual abuse of other children, injuring others?

Does the child have any diagnosed conditions -- i.e., dyslexia, Attention Deficit Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder? Is there reason to suspect that any such conditions exist that have not been diagnosed?

Does the child have any other health issues that should be of concern?

Has the child been tested for communicable or hereditary diseases?

Have they received counseling for any of the issues that put them in care?

Is there any history of sexual abuse, or sexual acting out? If so, how has it been handled?

Family Origin

Any family history of mental retardation or mental illness?

Are there any birth relatives, foster parents, or others who have had a significant positive impact on the child? Are they willing to remain in touch with the child after adoption?

Are there any relatives who are particularly unsafe or dangerous?

Did the child's parents have addictions to drugs or alcohol?

Does the child have brothers or sisters? How many? How old? Where are they? Why aren't they being placed together? Will they visit?

Is it likely the child's mother used drugs or alcohol while pregnant?

Was there prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol?

Why they were removed in the first place?

Circumstances

How long the children have been in care?

How many reunification attempts have there been, and why did they fail?

When did initial removal occur and how old was the child?

Why isn't the foster family adopting?

Why was the child originally removed from the birth home?

Lifestyle

How do his current caretakers discipline him? Is this method effective?

Are there any photos available of the child in his birth or foster homes that he can bring to his new home?

Does the child attend religious services, and if so, what kind?

Does the child enjoy any particular hobbies?

Does the child have a pet that he would like to bring along?

Does the child have any favourite toys, foods, television shows?

Does the child have any treasured possessions that should come with him?

Does the child participate in any sports or scouting activities?

Is there anything else about the child we should know to ease his adjustments to his new home?

What does the child like to do?

Why do you think they would be a good match to our lifestyle?

What is the community like where the child lives now? Are they used to this community and comfortable there?

School

How does the child socialize in the classroom?

Is this child more or less disruptive than others and how are the disruptions resolved

How frequently does the child come to school without homework assignments done, again how does this compare to other students in the class; what actions does the teacher take to building cooperation to turn in homework

What are his/her best subjects and greatest need for further work

How well does the child interact with classmates in the classroom, at recess

Does the child participate in sports, and if they are team sports how well does (s)he interact with team mates and opposing teams

How does the child do getting on and off the school bus (anxiety?, tardy?)

Ask about their school situation. Do they have IEPs or 504 plans?

MLK Day March in Atlanta Video

I edited my footage down to a few minutes. I think I'm getting the hang of this!

Obama versus Hillary supporters... the War of Words

Here's a short clip I recorded from the time we were hanging around waiting for the march to start. Two supporters mix it up in a lively discussion!

MLK Day March and Rally and Other Stuff

I'll be attending this year.

Here's a link to a description.

This holiday weekend I've been busy editing a movie about our family that we're going to give to the caseworkers. The big meeting is coming up soon. A long, long time ago, I used to work in the video industry, so I'm finding the iMovie interface is really easy. It's still going to be a lot of hard work just cataloging the clips. I'm going to be so sick of looking at myself by the time I'm finished!

Anyway, I'll take my camera to the march, film a little, and see if I can post it here later. No promises... I haven't even gotten around to posting Hawaii footage.

Finally, for those who are interested, I greatly expanded on my blog post about crime and turned it into a larger piece about racialization over at rachelstavern.com. The post got some very interesting comments from people who know a lot about the subject. Then the resident anarcho-capitalist asked me a question I have ZERO interest in answering (he thinks the solution to every social problem is MORE GUNS MORE GUNS MORE GUNS) but for those who want to see how Georgia's gun laws compare to other states, Georgia gets a D, Florida gets an F+ and New York gets a B+.

Ah, Georgia. If it weren't for states like Florida and Alabama, we'd be the worst in just about everything. Luckily our underperforming neighbors make us look better. I really couldn't imagine living anywhere else though! Maybe Vancouver or Mexico City, but that's about it.

Local Crime Complaint

Two off-duty police officers were just ambushed, shot and killed in a neighborhood not too many miles away from mine! They're still looking for the gunmen.

We've had too many dramatic crime stories recently. Last year, in a different neighborhood, also not too far away from where I live, a family was having a large dinner party when two thugs started shooting through their living room window. Everyone ran upstairs and jumped out the back second-story window, sustaining several injuries... the thugs ran toward the train station but were caught. It was a completely stupid random walk-by shooting.

And last month a Fulton police officer got carjacked.

Atlanta has a rising murder rate when most other large cities have a declining rate. The official spin is to blame resettled New Orleans gangsters, but I don't buy that, we have plenty of native Atlantan criminal issues already. It's completely insane. We need a lot more work and resources in this area. The lack of emphasis on community policing is just terrible. Judging by my last experience calling 911, there are problems across the board. We need better gun control, more beat cops (do these even EXIST anymore? I certainly never see any), more transparency and better-motivated police officers with less police corruption. I'm sick of hearing local news about grannies shot down by police and prisoners shooting court reporters and rappers shooting videos from their jail cells.

Atlanta is not all that bad, but it's not getting better either.

Are you a fan of The Wire?

Then you should check out this book.



I'm incredibly busy but I found some time to start reading this memoir by the actress who plays Snoop on The Wire. She grew with her foster parents, who were great except that they were very elderly and couldn't keep her out of trouble. Like her character, she turned into a junior drug dealer and violent thug. She went to prison for murder but turned her life around when she got the job acting in The Wire.

If you haven't been following The Wire, here's a fantastic video that condenses four seasons into four minutes. A few of the subplots and minor characters get dropped but it really covers all the major stuff.

Foster Care, Ethics and Motivation

This is a scattershot link post to some recent interesting discussions on ethics and motivation in foster care and foster care adoption.

Yondalla: If You Want to Adopt You Should... and Foster Care and Moral Obligation and Another Paradox: Motivation and Obligation

Amanda: What's My Motivation?

The posts reminded me of my year-old post, Adoption from Foster Care and Saving a Child. I revisited it and found I still basically agree with what I wrote.

This is a difficult but important topic. I think many of us are sick of the standard-issue arguments and commonplace sayings surrounding foster care. Foster carers are simultaneously sainted and demonized in mass media and within the adoption sphere. Pushing them to the extremes like that doesn't do any good at all for any kind of reform effort. But it's easier than actually listening to their complex, sometimes conflicting viewpoints... or the even more complex viewpoints of adults who were raised in the system.

Here's a comment I left at Yondalla's that expresses some of my frustration about this.

Hear, hear. I strongly believe in adoption reform in all areas but that particular argument -- "why don't you just adopt from foster care" -- is really irritating. I feel like saying... unless you have some experience with the foster care system already, in some capacity, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. YOU REALLY DON'T. DON'T PRETEND YOU DO. Don't use children in foster care as props in your arguments without real regard for them.

More Exciting News

I just heard we are looking very good as the best candidates for parents for the boy. According to our CW, the other family left in the running had sounded "wishy-washy" about adopting an African-American child. Apparently they'd said they were open but are now having second thoughts. I'm not going to be judgmental. After all, if they live in a 99% white community, then it's a good thing they're having second thoughts.

It's also exciting that the boy may be from the same foster family as another boy placed by the agency here. There is a certain amazing coincidence involved. The boys could visit each other!

I really enjoyed reading Maggie's account of her waiting and matching period. She talked about several possible matches and give each one a great nickname. For those who don't read her blog, she was eventually matched with "Slugger", her baseball-loving son. I don't think I can do that on this blog... for some reason, it doesn't feel right calling him anything other than "the boy" at this point in time. If we do get matched (gasp) I'll give him a blog nickname I already have in mind.

We've taken out some books from the agency library. We're also moving forward on some house projects. Before, we really didn't have any idea what to do. Should we get a crib? A toddler gate? A bunk bed? We're not going to make any major purchases yet, but we're preparing. Schools are another issue. We just have to be flexible. We're not in a good school district, but the good one is only a mile away. If we pay a bit of extra money and forgo the school bus, we should be able to get an entry spot in one of the elementary schools there. Private school and homeschooling are also backup possibilities. And should we install a fence for our backyard? Decisions... can't wait to start really making them.

Staffing update

Final decision postponed. We're in the final round -- one out of two families -- for the boy. Plus, we're also one out of three on another inquiry on a girl from another state. We know almost nothing about her yet.

The workers for the boy want to meet both prospective families in person before they decide. The meeting will be around the end of the month. We'll have some "homework" to do.

I don't want to go into much detail about the boy's special needs, but none of them are in our red flag zone. There's ADHD, which a huge percentage of the children will have anyway, often environmental and not "true" ADHD. Since my cousin has a very strong form of genetic ADHD, I'm not unfamiliar with it at all. It's challenging, but my whole family learned a lot of lessons from how his education was (mis)handled.

I'm kind of a geek, but I'm only good at math when I'm trying really hard. I had to brush up on basic probability to figure this out. But one out of two on one and one out of three on the other adds up to...

50% chance of being selected for one child
+
17% chance of being selected for both
=
67% chance of being selected for at least one!

Well, our plans to switch agencies have been moved to the back burner for now.

The Good News Is...

... I got religion!

I attended a Jodo Shinshu Buddhist church during my trip to Hawaii. This was a really good experience. Since then I've been doing a lot of research, preparation, thinking and planning. I think this is the right path for me. This is not quite a conversion, since my family background is sort of Buddhist. In fact, when I was a little kid we once lived in a Buddhist monastery/mission.

It's very hard to explain my reasons and what has brought me to this particular decision. There are both rational and emotional factors. I will go into one major rational factor in a future post. Until then, I'll explain myself in a form of a Q&A.

What is Jodo Shinshu?
A form of Buddhism started in 13th-century Japan. Here's the Wikipedia entry. It comes from the broader Mahayana Pure Land tradition of entrusting yourself to Amida/Amitabha Buddha.

Why does it have a "church"?
In America Jodo Shinshu was first practiced almost exclusively by Japanese-Americans, and during the internment it was decided to call the American organization "Buddhist Churches of America" in order to make it seem less foreign. The BCA is still very directly connected to the home organization in Japan. Here is some more info. Today the BCA is becoming more multi-ethnic.

Is there a church or congregation in Atlanta?
No, unfortunately... There is a Chinese Pure Land organization here, however, and I'm going to make a visit to their library soon. The philosophy is close, but there are a few important differences, so I don't anticipate actually joining them, although I do want to learn more. Until then I'm on my own, except for internet contact. Maybe a group will start up here in the future.

What's the next step?
Reading more, studying more, fixing up my home altar (I had a very basic one before but never did a lot with it), chanting "nembutsu", listening to chants, incorporating more principles into my life. Eventually I'll want to go through the confirmation ceremony at a center such as Kyoto (or possibly New York City) and receive a "dharma name". Or I could just stay an independent practitioner.

What about your family?
I haven't talked to a lot of people about this. I want to take things pretty slow and make sure I know what I'm doing.

Does this mean you believe in reincarnation?
I don't feel the need to believe in literal reincarnation. I'm still an atheist. Perhaps there is a conflict there, but I'm not too worried about it.

Does this mean you're not a Unitarian-Universalist anymore?
No, I'm still a UU. No conflict there at all.

Are you a vegetarian?
I was a vegetarian for three years when I was a teenager. It was hellish. Every single night I dreamed of eating barbecue ribs. You'd think I'd stop having dreams about pork after the first year, but they just kept coming. Today I'm a light meat-eater and I almost never eat beef, but I still wouldn't make a good vegetarian. I might start following a traditional practice of not eating meat on the 16th of every month.

What are the benefits?
As many readers know, I've been really stressed lately. Also, I feel a lingering sense of disappointment over not getting enough things accomplished. My failed PhD attempt. Mysterious infertility. Adoption roadblocks. A job I never blog about because it's so damn boring. I want to be an effective person that creates positive change in the world. At my age (getting into mid-30s) I've only just realized I'm never going to achieve all my goals under my own power. This has been very liberating. At times I've been misguided, fearful, selfish and petty. I accept that. This may sound fatalistic and pessimistic, but believe me, it's not. Instead, I feel like I can finally stop beating myself up. I need to stop throwing up barriers to appreciating the many positive things in my life. I'll still keep trying for my goals!

Will you make any changes to the blog?
I don't foresee any major changes. I'm going to try and balance truth and compassion more, so I won't be quite as sarcastic towards ignorant whackos such as populate our state government, or if I am really sarcastic towards them, I'll at least include a hope they will eventually become less ignorant.



Finally... here's something I could have filed in the "benefits" section. Our family was presented in a staffing this morning. My caseworker emailed me to tell me we should know the results within an hour of the time I write these words. I'm currently not crying, throwing up, constructing elaborate fantasies, gnawing my keyboard or banging my head against the wall. Que será, será.

Short New Year's Day Post

I'm really enjoying reading everyone's New Year's wrap-up posts. There are so many I can't link them all!

For the last week, I was working up to a personal, introspective post about how I received two pieces of disappointing news over my Hawaii vacation. I don't feel like writing that post anymore. Instead, I feel very positive . I'm pretty sure I will have some good news to report soon.

The Dangerous Necessity of Racial Self-Critique

Cross-posted at Rachel's Tavern.

I was listening to V103 driving to work this morning, a popular music station here in Atlanta. There was a heated discussion going on. I'm not a fan of the DJ and local celebrity host Frank Ski, but in comparison with the guest, Frank Ski was a towering fountain of wisdom. His guest was dismissing Don Imus as irrelevant because "Imus was just repeating things heard at barber shops" and the Rutgers basketball team "weren't the finest sisters around anyway". The ignorance was astounding. I flipped the station just as he started talking about how going to protest in Jena was pointless. This is why I'd make a terrible professional commenter... I have limited time in my life to listen to garbage like that in order to criticize it.

In response, Frank Ski was making some good points about institutionalized racism, internalized racism and "slave mentality". But I have to wonder... what was gained by granting his misogynist self-hating guest such a massive forum? Why do these interminable, repetitive conversations continue to fascinate so many people?

Recently, every time I hear similar criticism I think about the corresponding lack of reflexive self-criticism among white people, and wonder about its effect.

Minorities in America engage in massive amounts of self-criticism. Sometimes it's valuable and useful, in fact vital, because it helps people move forward as individuals and in communities. Other times it's damaging and wasteful. There's a whole economy built up around self-criticism, particularly by African-Americans. Bill Cosby's sold-out "what's wrong with black people" tours come to mind. Among Asian-Americans, criticism often takes place between genders and also between generations. "FOB vs. Twinkie" comes to mind. Blame your parents, blame the men, blame the women, blame your children, blame yourself. Blaming white people is pretty far down the list for many people of color. Another example: I was reading a desi magazine called "Little India" which had an editorial called "Damn Cricket". The next issue had a counterpoint called "Damn Those Who Damn Cricket". Both articles seemed to accept the premise there was something fundamentally wrong with Indians that needed to be fixed. Even when self-critique is done at a very sophisticated level, it frequently ends up on a pessimistic note.

When someone tips over from self-criticism to self-hate, a responder feels the need to jump in. "We're not that bad. We're people with pride and strength and dignity..." Other responders are so wounded by the expression of self-hate that they overcompensate in defense, refuse to see ANY flaws and won't be drawn into the most moderate, sensible self-critique. Back and forth should ideally be a dialectic moving us all forward. So often, it just turns into an endless seesaw. Hate of self-hate is still hate.

Some white people (e.g. Bill O'Reilly) live in a bizarre mirror world where minorities "won't take responsibility" and it's white Christian males who are "under attack" in the "culture war". But how many white men give sold-out lecture tours on the topic of What's Wrong with White America? I wonder how much money Tim Wise makes in a year from his tours and books? I think sociological/anthropological critique on the academic level is often counted as "attack on the white man," when in fact it's undertaken from the viewpoint of an artificially ahistorical, decontextualized observer, and has nothing in common with the kind of self-critique I'm referring to.

Lack of reflexivity frees up a lot of mental space to focus on other things. There's less anxiety. On the other hand, it may act as a force to make the social thinking of white people simpler, less three-dimensional. I wonder if greater harmony in race relations will come when we are all LESS self-critical, or when we are all more self-critical, but in a balanced fashion?

For the New Year, I've been thinking a lot about how to balance compassion and truthfulness. I won't say anything worse than I already did about Frank Ski's guest. The truth is that he hates women and he hates his own people... but I hope he eventually gains a better perspective on life.

Happy New Year!

---
*Updated (to add my response to a comment asking if Noam Chomsky was "self-hating")

Two issues here:

Is critiquing dominant culture, as a white person, really the same as a white person’s self-critique of white culture? In my opinion they overlap but are really not the same at all. Critiques of dominant culture can include non-white cultural hegemony and imperialism.

In my mind, self-critique is a broad spectrum that includes positive analysis of strength at one end, neutral analysis in the middle and self-hating at the far other end. From what I’ve read of Chomsky he’s not self-hating at all.

I think true self-hating white people (who hate their whiteness) are rare, but they are extremely unbalanced and possibly dangerous to themselves and others. They’re like Wapanese to the nth degree… people who hate whiteness so much they want to erase themselves and be some other race, and of course they can’t. The healthier way is to be critical of whiteness but not denigrate yourself over it, and have a positive identity overall.

I think there are a fair amount of white people who take this healthy approach and talk about it and communicate it. But like my example of Tim Wise, I wish they would get a lot more mainstream mass media attention than they currently do.

NYTimes Loves the ICS

This is the school where my husband and my mother volunteer as tutors. I know some of the kids mentioned in the article. The school is also the home of the Fugees soccer team.

NY Times

By WARREN ST. JOHN
Published: December 24, 2007

DECATUR, Ga. — Parents at an elementary school here gathered last Thursday afternoon with a holiday mission: to prepare boxes of food for needy families fleeing some of the world’s most horrific civil wars.

The community effort to help refugees resembled countless others at this time of year, with an exception: the recipients were not many thousands of miles away. They were students in the school and their families.

More than half the 380 students at this unusual school outside Atlanta are refugees from some 40 countries, many torn by war. The other students come from low-income families in the community, and from middle- and upper-middle-class families in the surrounding area who want to expose their children to other cultures. Together they form an eclectic community of Buddhists, Christians, Hindus, Jews and Muslims, well-off and poor, of established local families and new arrivals who collectively speak about 50 languages.

[...]

Check out the slideshow. The saddest part was seeing the refugee camp family photo, and hearing that the parents thought of their lives as absolutely finished... now, they're just living for their children.

Overall the article is very optimistic, though.

Short Post on Sexism

This month I read two great, thoughtful posts about sexism, feminism and Asian-Americans.

Both were by Asian-Americans, one by Kai at Zuky (Sexism and Confucianism) and the other by Jenn at Reappropriate (Helen Zia: Be the Change).

If you are interested in the topic, follow the links and read the comments. You will notice a startling difference in the quality of the dialog in the comments section.

This makes me so mad, I can't make this post much longer, but I wanted to get it off my chest and get back to enjoying my vacation.

Comments off.

Short Hawaii post

Well, I'm in Hawaii on my non-vacation vacation. A day of cultural exhibits and sightseeing wonders of nature is about to begin.

This is my second time visiting. I was here about five years ago, also visiting my dad.

I've been raving to my husband about the spicy octopus poke (seafood salad). He loves it too!

I'll see if I can post some pictures later. I've been taking videos. Most of the video is just showing what we're eating every night for dinner. We went to a farmer's market as soon as we got here and bought a lot of fresh vegetables.

SPLC Intelligence Report Winter Highlights

(Cross-posted at Rachel's Tavern. Rachel gave me a semi-permanent guest posting gig! I'll be posting race relations stories and analysis over there several times a month).

For great investigative journalism into organized racist groups, it's hard to beat the SPLC Intelligence Report.

Here are my highlights of this quarter's issue:

1) The Teflon Nativists: FAIR Marked by Ties to White Supremacy. Finally, someone put together all the evidence showing the racist scum at "FAIR" for what they truly are. FAIR are now officially listed as a hate group. Their good buddy Lou Dobbs is fuming, of course.

I have a lot of faith in the impartiality of the SPLC publications. While the vast majority of their coverage is dedicated to white supremacists, they cover other groups in quite generous proportion to their numbers and influence. Some examples are Nation of Yahweh, JDL, La Voz de Aztlan.

Groups like FAIR serve as the normalizing conduit between explicit and implicit white supremacist ideology. Dragging them out of their shadowy gray zone forces people to examine their hatred and take a stand one way or the other.

2) Bad Blood: Attack Illuminates Skinhead Underworld. A custody battle turns ugly and a woman has her throat cut. There's not a lot of social or legal implication here, just a gripping true crime story.

3) Execution Video Surfaces in Russia. Whoah. A different and very nasty flavor of racist anti-immigration extremism.

4) Behind the Noose. A short editorial about the rising tide of white resentment. The ending left me a bit cold, though. How do we move forward? Ignoring the issue and playing nice are obviously wrong tactics, but what are some of the right ones?

5) Odin Shows Up at Nebraska Beer Bash. On a lighter note.

If you donate to the SPLC, you should receive a paper copy of this publication every quarter.

Whipsaw

Things have not been going well on the adoption front.

This Monday I called my caseworker just to check in on some inquiries and wish her happy holidays. It sounded like she couldn't wait to get off the phone with me. No, nothing happening, never heard back, nope, no feedback on your homestudy, your homestudy is great, don't know what's going on, ok, bye. I call her every other week for a few minutes, it's not as if I hound her.

This sent me into a tailspin. I felt very hurt and disrespected. My husband and I had decided a while back that if nothing happened by the end of 2007 we would look into switching agencies or moving to some other kind of adoption. They've broken promises all over the place and don't bother apologizing. Some of it I blame on the people at the agency, but I know other people signed with other similar Atlanta-area agencies, and I don't know if it's much better somewhere else.

Our wait is just wrong. I've made almost 200 inquiries, mostly on boys ages five to ten, often two siblings, mild to moderate special needs, with little regard for race or ethnicity. We've applied for girls too, but there are more boys in the listings. We're not looking for a perfectly healthy baby girl. Why do these states list children for years? There are waiting parents out there as well as waiting children, but I guess the resources to match them are just not there. I've blamed a lot of things. Sometimes I've wondered if my race is a factor. Several other people say it almost certainly isn't, but it could be something in the background, as subtle as the workers looking at a picture of my husband and I and a child and having a passing thought that there are just one or two too many colors all together there in that picture, and then moving on to the next family.

The dominant reason is probably that this interstate matching system is chaotic and sucks, combined with my agency losing workers and being understaffed after the dual exodus a few months ago.

A lot of my mental energy this week has gone into trying not to feel sorry for myself and break out crying. This holiday season is very hard. Thank goodness I have a vacation lined up. We can't afford a real one but I worked out a great substitute. We got a last-minute frequent flyer mile ticket because we were willing to take a red-eye on Christmas Day. We'll be staying at my dad's retirement studio apartment in Hawaii. It's in a cheap, very non-touristy location and there won't be much to do except for relaxing and eating incredible seafood. My dad will be away in Japan. We've had an open invitation to stay there for years, but tickets to Hawaii are so expensive we haven't been able to take advantage of the offer until now.

Anyway, I thought we would be a family with children by now, facing a whole new set of joys and challenges. Instead, I feel like a year of my life has been sucked into a vortex. Last December I was happy and excited about the future. I had a huge amount of trust and respect for everyone at our agency. Now, I just feel sad and tired... so tired.

This week I've started calling up other agencies and contemplating a switch to foster-to-adopt. This would involve massive amounts of paperwork and be a huge emotional and mental change. With the route we're on right now -- "straight" adoption -- once a post-TPR child is placed, there is very little chance that they would be removed. All other avenues have already been explored and exhausted. The process is fairly smooth: placement, extended supervision, adoption finalization. Changing to the foster-to-adopt route, we would be expected to foster until we adopt. Perhaps our first child would be the one we adopted. Perhaps the first child would be reunified after one month. Perhaps an aunt or uncle would come forward after six months. We wouldn't know. There are many more children through this route and a great need for homes.

My husband and I feel the same way. We don't know if we can do it but we'd be willing to try. In theory, being part of a child's life while their family goes through a rough patch and then helping them reunite is something I support 100%. But in practice, how would it affect me? I don't know. Maybe I could do it, maybe it would kill me.

Here's a great resource: a transcript from a chat session called "Foster Care to Adoption: What Is It Like?". This part struck me.

Brea [foster care adoption social worker]: I would advise parents who are considering adoption to explore all of their options, with fostering-to-adopt being one among them. I don't think that fostering-to-adopt is for those who are going to be first-time parents. I would encourage someone in the position of not having any children and wanting to adopt to choose a route that will entail less risk.

If we did foster-to-adopt, I like to think I could send back a child with grace and compassion. What if I went crazy and acted badly? I can see why experienced parents who already have a child would be much better at this. Also, the idea of "testing the waters" before jumping into adoption is difficult for me to comprehend emotionally. I would feel terrible for not fully committing from the beginning. I know people who have done this and I understand the risks and rewards. I'm not ruling it out yet. But contemplating a switch is difficult.

I've been calling some local agencies and our county DFCS. Of course it's almost impossible to get to anyone on the phone. I keep getting put on endless hold, given the wrong number, sent to the wrong voicemail. Why does this have to suck so hard? It's clear what's wrong and how to fix it.

Then this morning I got a short email from my caseworker. We've made it to round two on a little boy from out of state we applied for back in July. There'll be a meeting next week where she'll present our case. This is the most progress we've made anywhere, on any inquiry.

I emailed her back thanking her. I dug up the profile again and looked at the picture of the boy, and then put my head on my desk and started crying.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel slightly hopeful but mostly lost and weak. I guess we'll wait some more.