I'm sorry I can't address everyone's comments... I'm blogging as much as I can, but my time is obviously somewhat limited!
@Maggie: that makes a lot of sense. I don't want to do anything to turn the bedwetting issue into a capital-I Issue.
@Eos: the store meltdown wasn't too bad. I just had to pull him out of the checkout line for less than a minute. And as I was telling my husband earlier, I am so thankful he's a clinger and not a runner-offer. My little cousin was a runner-offer, and his parents were in a constant state of panic whenever they left the house with him.
@Lena (a few posts back): I appreciate your dissenting opinion, but I still have a very strong antipathy to Bartholet's position. It's not that she's making stuff up. She's looking at the same info that more objective people -- like the ones at NACAC and Evan B. Donaldson -- are looking at. But she's twisting it to suit the narrow interests of upper-middle-class white adoptive parents. In her world, adoptive parents of color might as well be chopped liver.
She also does one thing that absolutely infuriates me.... she exploits the older special needs children in the foster care system in service of an argument that does not really benefit them. Again and again, her argument is that these kids could all get adopted so much quicker if race-matching became absolutely illegal. There is no such silver bullet. I have made a lot of recommendations on this blog about how to increase adoption rates, and I'm really just parroting things I've read on other blogs and forums. The solutions are already out there. But they're complicated and require a lot of funding. Some examples: subsidized home loans for lower-income parents to adopt larger sibling groups; targeted outreach to non-traditional parents with special needs experience; training social workers better and reducing their placement caseloads.
Here's my theory on what would happen if there were a radical "colorblind" approach in the foster care system. White parents would get placed with slightly more black infants and toddlers, predominantly girls, at the expense of black adoptive parents. And that's basically it. The effect on older child adoption would be almost nil.
I hate this kind of exploitation. I've seen it in anti-adoption arguments as well, via the rhetorical question, "why are you adopting an infant from ___ when you could be adopting an older child in the U.S.A.?" Some people do have the right to ask this question... that is, the people who do have a connection to foster care in some form. But often I see that question and wonder, well then, what are YOU doing? Have you fostered or adopted from the system? Are you a social worker? Foster care alumni? Volunteer with kids in the system? Or are you just self-righteously exploiting the existence of these children in order to make a point about infant adoption?
Anyway, Bartholet is definitely a persona non grata in my books. As someone who has been negatively impacted by racism, negatively impacted by race-matching and negatively impacted by the LACK of race-matching (when it comes to Asian kids), I have a fair amount of experience in this area, but I don't appreciate her brand of "help". I believe in racial reform in the foster care adoption system, but my version would work a lot differently.
I took Sunny to day camp today. I met up with him there for lunch, and he seemed very sad that I wasn't going to be there with him for the rest of the day, so I cut it short and took him home.
He had a great time in the morning. He told me had made not just one but THREE new friends, and he says the gym teacher is also his friend.
We're going to try for a full day tomorrow and see how he feels at lunch. I think we should be able to transition to a full day by the end of the week.
In the afternoon he was very testy and cranky again. He had a smaller meltdown while we were in a store. But by the end of the day, he had earned enough "no pouting" points to play his Gameboy for 15 minutes... and he gave it up at the end of 15 minutes without complaining.
A funny thing happened when he heard me on the phone making his dentist appointment. "NOOOOO!!!! I don't want to go to the dentist because they rip out all your teeth!" We persuaded him it wouldn't be so bad... he's stubborn, but often responds well to logical arguments.
He skateboarded for almost 30 minutes straight today. His progress in that area is amazing! I didn't witness it, only because I was taking a desperately-needed nap. My husband is pretty happy about it. He used to be a very serious skateboarder when he was younger.
I made a bonehead mistake last night. We try to restrict his liquids at night, since he still wets the bed. I made some Jello for the first time ever, because I wanted to start a tradition of healthy desserts. I was so proud it turned out right that I served him a heaping bowl just before bedtime. The concept that Jello is 99.99% LIQUID quite escaped me. Of course he wet the bed.
We're not going to take any measures about the bed wetting, other than mild liquid restriction and congratulating him for dry nights. It's not worth it right now, and he could grow out of it any time. We've got a good sheet protector system set up.
I've been warning my husband that it could get worse before it gets better. We're now past the length mark of a visit time and edging into unknown territory. Consciously, he knows we're his "home base" now. But he must also be thinking "if I act up then maybe this mom and dad will send me back to my other mom and dad" and this idea must be very attractive when we tell him things like "you can't watch Spongebob now or eat that cupcake or buy that slinkie".
I always had respect for single parents, since I was raised by one, but my respect has increased even more over the last few days. Taking care of a child that cannot be left alone for more than a few seconds is exhausting even working as a tag team.
We heard two new, earth-shattering words tonight, 20 minutes before his scheduled bedtime. "I'm tired". Wow...
I'm even MORE tired than I was last night, if you (or I) can believe it!
I think Sunny could be in testing mode now. He had a mini-blowup this afternoon because we asked him to put his train set away.
It was dramatic but not terribly severe. He slammed his toys, screwed his face up, moaned, threw his body down as if he was having a heart attack. After a few minutes the worst was over. I asked him to look at me, told him I loved him and I wasn't mad, but the behavior was not acceptable, and we couldn't play with him at all until he stopped, and this meant he lost a circle on his chart. I told him we weren't going away, we just couldn't play with him until he calmed down and apologized.
He did. Later on, after my husband left, he apologized again spontaneously. "I'm sorry I was mean then." Then he said that he was sad because he missed Mommy ___ (foster mom) "and all the good times we had" and wanted to know when he could have a sleepover with her.
I told him that after the summer, we might be able to have a visit and he could spend the night, but definitely we would have a visit before his next birthday. Then I reminded him that the next time he talked with her, he could tell her that he missed her and all the good times they had. We could also talk about those times whenever he wanted to.
Later on, he asked, "Have I been a good boy today?" He's done this before, so we know how to answer. "Of course you're a good boy, we love you and we're always going to be a family. Sometimes your behavior isn't good, but you're always a good boy."
He tried something he must have developed from his play therapy. He'll look very sad and serious, and say, "it really hurts my feelings when you won't play Uno with me."
"When it comes to playtime you have to think about other people's feelings too. And right now I don't feel like playing Uno but we can color in the book together instead."
I feel like the training and reading of other people's blogs are all paying off. Validation of feelings of "complicated loss"? Check. Stopping manipulation by maintaining rules and boundaries? Check. Separation of behavior from person? Check.
I'm not so good at the natural consequences stuff. But I'm skeptical about that system anyway. It sounds awesome in theory, but is fiendishly difficult to apply. For example, Foster Cline gave this example several times in the Love and Logic book: the kid says they don't need a jacket, so you let them go out into the cold Denver morning without their jacket, and voila, they receive a natural consequence. But that's not much help here in the muggy mornings of Georgia! I'm going to save "natural consequences" for big decisions that I can actually spend lots of time thinking about in advance.
I also had lots of chances today to catch him being good. He'll get a circle on his chart, or I'll tell him "pat yourself on the back". The big thing this morning was his R.E. class. He was in a class for an hour with a group of rambunctious kids his own age. I was there too, sitting on the sidelines and helping with some arts and crafts. He was INCREDIBLE. He sat when he was supposed to sit. He paid attention to the teacher reading the story, even as other kids interrupted her to ask questions or to make loud buzzing, screeching and honking noises. At the end of the story, he raised his hand to ask questions. He did not, unlike some other kids, show off his inchworm imitation all across the rug, or stagger around with eyes shut yelling "I'M BLIND" while windmilling his arms. I made a big deal out of how well he behaved in class the whole rest of the day.
I'm torn about putting him into day camp next week. He's happy about the idea. On one hand, with my leave, I have the opportunity for a week of nonstop bonding/attachment, so maybe I should wait until next week for day camp. But Sunny has a complicated set of needs. He's used to constantly being around other kids. His number one fear about moving to be with us is that he wouldn't have any more kids to play with. His foster mother was constantly having to reassure him he'd make new friends. Being around other kids at day camp would do a lot to make this transition easier, as well as helping burn off his energy. The attachment situation seems to be so good, anyway... like I said before, he's clingy, but not fearfully clingy.
I think I'll put him in day camp this week, visit him during lunch and see how he takes it.
As great as his foster home has been for him, they just did not have the resources, in terms of time, to have him doing any kind of organized physical activity at all. We're definitely going to make sure he gets that. My husband is teaching Sunny how to skateboard. I noticed he can practice at the upper limit of his natural attention span -- about ten minutes. This is pretty big! I can see it becoming a successful pursuit. Gym is also in the future (Sunny loves to jump and spin), and soccer, once school starts in the fall.
I've already taken him to a swimming lesson a few days ago. He did well in the first half, not so well in the second half. He was too scared of the deep water, and I had to pull him out to the side of the class, because while the teacher was coaxing him, all the other polliwogs were getting held up.
I told him that next week he wouldn't be quite as scared, and he wouldn't have to do any swim kicks that were too scary. I reminded him that the first time he visited us, he was scared of sliding down the fireman's pole on his playset. But now, he loves sliding down the pole. When you do something little by little you get less scared of it. I think he buys my theory so far; he's not too anxious at the idea of going back to swim class next week. Thank goodness... because whether he likes it or not, he has GOT to learn to swim. He doesn't have to do it right now, and if he's still scared we'll postpone until later, but it has just got to get done. I'm a great natural swimmer, and I think that great swimmers are more frightened for bad swimmers than anyone else is. A friend of mine who couldn't swim almost drowned... he said he was "just splashing around" but ended up in the hospital with his lungs full of saltwater. If Sunny is going to be anywhere near pools or lakes or oceans anytime for the rest of his life, he's in terrible danger unless he learns how to swim. Pardon me for alarmism, but the thought really does terrify me!
Thanks for all the comments on the last post. I really appreciate the feedback and advice. By the way, we bought a game called Cranium Hullabaloo on his first visit, and it's very good. It's recommended for ADHD kids because you play it with your whole body. I have thought about DDR and Wii Fit and so forth, but I want to keep anything video game related to an absolute minimum until I understand his attention span better.
I'm wondering about the connection between physical exertion and emotional stability. So far, it's seemed obvious that tiring him out makes him calmer. But then I noticed how good he was in class this morning, and how cranky he was in the early afternoon after some fairly strenuous exercise. It could be the change of environment as well -- I'm talking massive heat, humidity and polluted Atlanta air. I think we'll just have to wait and observe and see how it goes.
On the food front, today for lunch, Sunny greatly enjoyed a REAL MEXICAN TACO (de pollo) packed with cilantro and onions. He is really expanding his horizons!
Sunny is having a smooth transition. He misses his foster family, of course. We had a webcam with them already and we'll have another one tomorrow. He seems at a loss for what to say, so I'll need to remember to encourage him somehow. We played a game once on the webcam called "Copycat", where you have to mimic the hand motions of the other person... silly little games like that. He also said, "I miss Mommy ___ (bio mom) but we're not allowed to have visits." I told him next week I'll help him write her a letter, and that made him happier.
Sunny stays very, very close to us, but he's confident enough to go off on his own for short periods. Today he splashed in the kiddie pool at a picnic with some other kids, and played soccer with them.
He's laughing and smiling like crazy. He has an infectious smile... when he smiles at random people, I see their faces light up in return.
He's enjoying meeting new people. "So-and-so is nice, I like them!" he'll say.
I helped work voter registration for a few hours while my husband took him on errands. After the errands, the pair stopped by to say hello. Sunny helped me register voters for about five minutes. There was another little girl there, almost as young as Sunny, and she gave him a quick pointer. "Hold up your sign like THIS and say sir-or-maam are-you-registered-to-vote thank-you!"
He's big enough where he likes to do a lot of things on his own, like pushing the shopping cart and putting away his dishes.
He's young enough to cuddle and hug all the time! Sometimes he wants a hug just because he wants a hug, and that's fine with me.
He's very mindful of his routine. At night he reminds me that he needs to have his pull-ups and jammies, he needs his medicine and vitamins, he needs to brush his teeth, and so on. Then he's up bright and early every morning. He asks me "when can I leave my room in the morning? In ____, my mommy says I have to stay in my room until everyone else gets up." I'm telling him 7:00 for now. This morning I woke up at 7am, cooked him breakfast and then did some work in the garden for two hours. I set him up to watch Sesame Street with headphones on so Dad could get some extra sleep.
He likes soy milk now! This is huge. I'm not a vegan or even a vegetarian but I cook with a lot of soy milk and meat substitutes.
He's really great with his new grandma.
He sings to himself in the bathroom. He makes up the songs himself, stuff like "putting on my underwear, putting on my underweeeeeaaaaaar".
The Bad
His regular attention span is about 2-6 minutes. If we stretch it with focus reminders, we can get it to about 12-15. It takes truly heroic measures to get to 25-30.
He simply cannot play by himself. He needs constant attention. It's as if whatever he's doing doesn't matter unless we see him doing it or unless we're doing it with him. The only things he can do by himself are playing on his Gameboy, but we're severely restricting that to 15-30 minutes a day on weekends only, because he gets way too emotional about it. Video games exert an evil fascination on him. The constant visual feedback is like a drug, but he gets more and more upset and starts beating up on himself verbally the longer he's allowed to play them. "I'm terrible at this! I'm terrible! I hate this!" "That's enough playing for now" "But mom, I really really really like this level" (starts pouting and fake-crying)...
That boundless physical energy. He was up at 4:30AM on Friday morning, since his social worker needed to pick him up then for his flight to Atlanta. After the placement ceremony we had a day full of activities including lots of running and jumping and wrestling. We told him his bedtime is 9pm at night on weekends, wondering if he would crash way before then, but he stayed strong the ENTIRE DAY. Our friend said at 7pm, wow he must be very excited today, and we said nope, he's actually like this all the time! We have to tire him out physically to extend his focus. He's more emotionally stable after physical exertion.
I'm already looking at other kids his age and thinking wistfully about the things that Sunny can't do. The little girl at voter registration was there for three hours helping her grandma. She helped register people, and when she got bored she went off in a corner and looked at the ground and daydreamed and did little dances. I was used to spending time by myself at that age as well. I could amuse myself with a piece of string and some rocks. Sunny needs people, shiny things and constant movement. It's always "I want this, I want that, I'm tired of that, I'm bored, let's do this, can I have that, no if I can't have that can I have that instead, let's go, I want that..."
He can't sit still, of course. He'll sit at the dinner table but he'll be constantly slipping on and off his seat. I'm not going to say anything, because I know he's doing very well just to be staying at the table, but I can tell it's disconcerting to other adults.
Eating vegetables and new food is still a bit of a struggle.
What to Do, Where to Go
My mother and husband and I have all read Brenda McCreight's adoption book, so we love using the phrase "but it's only ADHD"! That's some dark humor there, by the way. Seriously, we know about 90% of what we were in for with that. My stepfather probably has ADHD, my cousin certainly has it, my uncle does as well.
His focus is like a muscle... we just have to keep helping him stretch it.
Some things we just have to live with and work around. In the right setting they'll become strengths.
Keep him away from video games as much as possible.
We'll see if behavior charts can reduce the pouting and bargaining when we say "no". We're trying a method where every time he just says "OK" after hearing "No", and doesn't do the ten-second-pout-fake-cry routine, he gets a sticker.
Give him the attention he needs and don't worry about the inability to self-amuse for now. He's missing a lot of people in his life so he needs a lot of presence.
We're putting him in day camp and hoping it will be a right fit. I have second thoughts about the day camp I found now. The academic portion might be too difficult to maintain focus. We'll see. He absolutely needs strenuous physical activity, and if we're the only ones giving it to him, we'll be dead by the time he's a teenager. And we're a fairly young and energetic couple.
Keep realizing his strengths. He's such a great little kid. He trusts us, he trusts himself, he trusts other people. We're off on a fantastic voyage together! And I really feel like I'm not dragging him along, or stumbling behind... instead, we're walking right beside each other, hand in hand.
Sunny had gotten mad at his foster mom this weekend, and said "I hate you!"
She simply replied that it wasn't a nice thing to say, and he hurt her feelings. He immediately said, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Sorry!"
I think that little anecdote sums up a lot of his personality traits. He's expressive, impulsive and touchingly empathetic. He's so sweet to his younger ex-foster brother. I've seen them on the webcam together; he props up the toddler and coaches him how to wave hello.
She thinks our webcam setup is going to help him immeasurably. It's much more real than a telephone call, and it reinforces what she's been telling him: that the people in his life aren't going to disappear after his transition. We're planning on having at least one set webcam time every week so he can chat with his foster family.
Thanks so much to the people who have left reassuring comments in the past couple days :-)
From Yonhap News: SEOUL, May 30 (Yonhap) -- Ku Ji-hye celebrated her 25th birthday this week in bed at a Jerusalem hospital, continually fighting for her life with extensive chemotherapy and radiation treatments.
Ku has acute lymphocytic leukemia. If she does not receive a bone marrow transplant she will die, doctors say. There is not any member in her family, who has human leukocyte antigens, the components in blood that indicate marrow compatibility, suitable to hers. And it is because she is an adoptee.
I was very saddened at the news, and upset on her behalf.
As an Asian-American, hearing of her death spurred me to register as a bone marrow donor here. I encourage all others to do the same. There is a desperate need for more donors of minority and multiracial descent.
And as an adoption blogger, I want to use this "opportunity" to decry the culture of secrets and lies that so often surrounds adoption. Having the ability to contact her relatives would have meant a much better chance for survival, and this chance was denied to her. Adoptees should always have the right to know where they come from. Anyone who tries to deny them this right may end up with blood on their hands.
Courtesy of Youtube and the Dirty South, here's a few highlights with my comments. Please keep in mind a lot of these songs don't have bad words bleeped out.
I moved to Atlanta 12 years ago, just when Outkast released ATLiens. Me and you, your mama and your cousin too... This song says it's about movement, but then refuses say where it's going. It's an aimless, winding, cruising song. It's like a sequence of incomplete impressionist paintings.
ATLiens was a huge landmark. Other Atlanta rappers started getting noticed. A friend of Outkast and the Goodie Mob, rapper Cool Breeze put out this massive local hit, packed with guest stars, in 1999. You may recognize Cee-Lo, now with Gnarls Barkley. I cannot stress enough how awesome this song is. It's frenzied and bursting with energy but in complete control at the same time. It's ridiculously ambitious and richly cinematic. You get an amazing sense of multiple stories all weaving back and forth, destinies colliding, a crisis upon us. Brotherman!
In 2002 Nappy Roots, a Kentucky/Georgia group, has a breakthrough summer hit. This is a beautiful, soulful, plaintive song. It's intellectual and earthy at the same time; deeply southern, anti-materialist, multiracial. It's not just all about fast life in the big city. Them country boys on the rise...
Here's the last flowering of truly good and innovative Atlanta hip-hop. The Dungeon Family album is full of incredible songs. This happens to be my favorite, mainly because of the monstrous beat with the scratching.
Here's another Dungeon Family offshoot, the Purple Ribbon All-Stars. The hook spirals into your brain, and from there the song goes straight to the lungs and the groin.
The Ying Yang twins are good at party anthems. Their music is rather brainless and clownish. I have a soft spot for this early song of theirs, however. I think it's because it's about being stupid and jerk-ish solely for the sake of being stupid and jerk-ish. Plus, the part in the video where Big Gipp is rapping on top of plastic-covered furniture is hilarious. If you're getting tired now, skip the video.
This is Bonecrusher (what a silly name), T.I. (recently jailed on a machine gun charge) and Killer Mike. It's one of those really violent songs where the whole point is bragging about big, big penis-guns. Nevertheless, I'm going to include it because it was a huge hit, and represents the newer kind of Atlanta song. I hated this song when it was on the radio, but sometimes I feel a bit nostalgic for it. Why? I guess it's the cinematic feel, and the bells. This song is about urban violence, but it could just as well be a gothic tale... the hero standing outside the ruined mansion under a full moon with a shotgun in one hand and a chainsaw in the other, screwing up his courage to kick down the door, yelling to himself, "I AIN'T NEVER SCARED"...
Here's an earlier Ludacris song. I don't think he's ever done a truly excellent or important song, although he gives it a good try here, but his delivery is always perfect and his stuff is really, really fun. This is his funnest and most Atlantaest song.
Here's T.I.'s newest song. I heard he's going to fulfill his 1000 hours of community service by going around telling kids not to make the same kind of mistakes he made. That's the kind of stupid decision we've come to expect from the Dekalb County criminal justice system. That's not punishment, that's a publicity tour! I'd like to see him in an orange vest by the side of the highway picking up trash. Then I'd roll down my window and bonk him on the head with a well-aimed apple core. That being said, I actually like his new song. It's the organ sample and the drumbeat that make it good.
I was recently contacted by a representative from Ethica who told me about a lot of good things the organization is doing. I was at first a bit wary of donating since I usually donate to bigger organizations that publish exactly how they spend their donated funds, or else very local charities. But all nonprofits have to start out small!
Although I'm not involved in international adoption, I have some strong opinions about it. I don't believe it's always wrong, and I've said several times on this blog I would have liked to adopt from Japan if certain conditions were better. But it's horribly unregulated and full of corruption. Ethica is trying to do something about that, and I support their approach. Please go to this link to find out more and donate to their efforts.
You're about to read some lazy blogging here. But I'm still mustering up my energy for that other "barriers" post. I've been slammed recently... we're moving into our new house in a few weeks, Sunny's placement date is coming very soon and I'm in the middle of an exciting political volunteering initiative.
A key recommendation in the new report calls for amending the law so race could be considered as a factor in selecting parents for children from foster care. The change also would allow race-oriented pre-adoption training,
"We tried to assess what was working and what wasn't, and came to the conclusion that preparing parents who adopt transracially benefits everyone, especially the children," said Adam Pertman, the Donaldson Institute's executive director.
"The view that we can be colorblind is a wonderful, idealistic perspective, but we don't live there," Pertman said. "If we want to do the best for the kids, we have to look at their realities."
Pertman's stance is sound. Counterbalancing him is the idiotic gibbering of this woman:
Professor Elizabeth Bartholet, who directs the Child Advocacy Program at Harvard Law School, believes the concept of striving for color blindness is sound. She foresees problems if race once again becomes a key determinant.
"Giving social workers the chance to do that produced very rigid race matching," she said, referring to pre-1994 policies. "That's one of the reasons to say race can't be used at all... there's no other way to be sure it doesn't become the overwhelming factor."
Current policy allows standardized pre-adoption training, but wisely prohibits specific screening for parents seeking to adopt transracially, Bartholet said.
"What cannot be done is have a pass/fail test that turns on whether you give the politically correct answers," she said. "If social workers are allowed to use training to determine who can adopt, there's lots of experience showing they abuse that power."
She also questioned whether attempts to boost minority recruitment would succeed.
"Black people are significantly poorer than white people and less likely to be in a position to come forward," Bartholet said. "Recruitment efforts bump up against that fact."
ARRGH! I'll tell you why this makes me so mad. First of all, she references the racist myth that black people don't adopt as much as white people (see here for the truth). Second, she uses the buzzword "politically correct", which I despise because it's completely meaningless in any real ethical or political sense. Third, she creates a bogeyman of social workers "abusing their power". This should be hilarious to any foster or adoptive parent with experience in the system. Social workers already abuse their power CONSTANTLY. The only way to fix the problem is to create institutional change so that bad social workers don't keep on clogging up the system while the good ones mostly burn out after a few years.
- I don't believe in any strict form of race-matching. I believe it's foolish and cruel to children, and also fails to account for the existence of interracial couples and multiracial people (like me). However, race and ethnicity need to be factored into placement decisions. In fact, they are already factored into placement decisions. This "color-blind" system that Bartholet refers to is a complete fantasy. It's just common sense to be able to have more consistent training and placement standards when it comes to transracial placements.
For example, let's say a black child is placed with a white family as an emergency short-term placement. They end up staying there for years. The child seems to be doing well. The opportunity comes up to move the child to a black family. Should the child be moved? If race is the only factor, then no, definitely not. Give the white family some extra transracial training, and as long as they're willing to take it, sign off on the placement and move on.
Let's say there's a Latino child and a choice of two placements. One is out in the country with a white family. The other is in the city, in a diverse neighborhood, with a Latino couple, but of a different national ethnicity. However, the child is used to living in the country, loves the outdoors and their greatest wish is to live on a farm. Who knows? That's a tough one... but just because race or ethnicity should be a factor doesn't mean it has to be the determining factor.
- Here are a couple reactions to the report from other foster/adoptive parents:
My problem with the situation is that from my experience with foster care adoption, MEPA/IEPA does almost nothing to address the prejudices of social workers. If the social worker really wants to do race-matching, they're going to do race-matching anyway.
I think if there were CONSISTENT standards for training, the situation would be a lot better. Right now, it's just all over the map. I've heard horror stories about social workers who have jumped in, in the middle of a case, and moved a child solely because of race. Or else the opposite... that a child is placed because of favoritism, when there was a much more culturally appropriate home waiting.
I have noticed (often bitterly) how the current situation works against me. I'm not complaining as an adoptive parent as much I'm complaining as an Asian. Who thinks about the needs of Asian kids to be placed in Asian homes? Neither white nor black social workers have much of an understanding of that.
If new standards are going to be truly child-centered, they need to be consistent but also flexible when it comes to the needs of the children. Teenagers looking for a home should be allowed to make their own decisions, of course. Kids are coming from all kinds of backgrounds and some are going to be very secure in their cultural identity, others are terribly fragile.
And in my opinion, demographic standards are even more important than training. Something like "at least one area within a 5-mile radius has a concentration of greater than 10% of child's race/ethnicity". I think a diverse area or school compensates for family background much more than vice versa. It hardly matters what positive message the child is getting at home if they're assaulted and abused every day at school.
I have little interest in placing blame on white adoptive parents. It's just pointless. The problem is a lot more widespread and complicated. If you want prospective parents to behave better, you have to make them better, via the use of carrots and sticks. Otherwise, it's like an Army recruiter complaining about the poor quality of their recruits. You've got to work with what you've got! I do, however, blame "experts" like Bartholet who should know better, but choose to use their platform in order to mystify the public.
I'm working up to a longer post about the relationship between international adoption, private adoption and foster care adoption.
In the meantime, here are two important links I came across.
Eos linked to Brenda McCreight's blog. I didn't know she had one, so I'm looking forward to reading through it. McCreight wrote Parenting Your Adopted Older Child, which is one of the books I first read when we started along our road. I recommend it to everyone. It'll scare the bejeezus out of you. It's an incredibly depressing book because it's organized as a series of fictional problems, or issues, and none of them really have clear-cut solutions. One of the most terrifying was a scenario in which a couple adopted a child with no special needs except for ADHD, and they kept saying "but it's only ADHD!" as they slowly lost their sanity and their marriage fell apart.
The release of the latest AFCARS data shows that even more foster children and youth—129,000 in FY 2006 up from 114,000 in 2005—are waiting for a permanent, loving family. Sadly, the data also shows that more than 26,000 youth aged out of care in FY 2006 without finding a family—higher numbers than we've seen before. Adoptions from foster care remained steady at 51,000, and the overall number of children in care dropped slightly.
Clearly, there is a need for increased federal and state attention to finding and supporting families for foster children who cannot return home. It's time for legislative action that provides federal support of subsidized guardianship, increases access to adoption assistance, and enhances post-adoption support. Changes such as these would all help ensure that every child finds the permanent, loving family he needs and deserves, and that eventually no child leaves care without a legal connection to a family.
My husband sent me a link to this video. At first, I was terrified that this preacher was from Atlanta because he claims to be from "ATLAH". Luckily, he's not. "Atlah" is his special code word for Harlem. So you can't blame this guy on us!
The video is actually jaw-droppingly funny. Just when you think it can't get any more surreal, it does. You would think this preacher would be isolated from any reasonable public discourse, but apparently, he's made numerous appearances on FOX News shows. Oh wait, that doesn't count as reasonable public discourse.
I'm going to lay off the political posts for a while after this, but I couldn't resist posting the link... it's just too bizarre.
Mulligan's selling shirts with 'Curious George' picture By CHRISTIAN BOONE - The Atlanta Journal-Constitution - 05/13/08 Marietta tavern owner Mike Norman says the T-shirts he's peddling, featuring cartoon chimp Curious George peeling a banana, with "Obama in '08" scrolled underneath, are "cute." But to a coalition of critics, the shirts are an insulting exploitation of racial stereotypes from generations past.
1) They show a human or animal engaged in some unique or extreme activity 2) They exhibit noteworthy artistic skill or cleverness 3) They greatly reinforce prior beliefs 4) They greatly challenge prior beliefs 5) Newsworthy: they show something that connects with our sense of the local and the current, the here and now. We can relate the narrative of our lives to what happens in the video.
These videos also generate mountains of racially-based commentaries wherever they're posted. Actually, it's often more a spittle-flecked monologue than it is a dialogue.
I'll talk about two other viral videos before I show the Soulja Girl one.
I remember a video from last year that showed a high school fight. Two young men take off their shirts and square off. It's a white kid and a smaller, shorter Asian kid. The crowd is yelling their support of the white kid; they're on his side. It begins. Whoever uploaded it has added a soundtrack: Rick Ross' "Everday I'm Hustlin" booms over the fight. The Asian kid moves like greased lightning and after a few punches, the white kid is down. He gets up and walks off. The Asian kid drops him again; this time he can barely stagger away, blood and bits of teeth spraying from his mouth. The video ends.
This video was popular among Asian-Americans, for obvious reasons. A narrative built up around it. The white kid was the bully. The Asian kid was the hero. The narrative had dubious authenticity, but it felt right, it fit with the video and it fit with many of our experiences. I've certainly had the experience, multiple times at school, of being surrounded by a circle of hostile white kids screaming at me. I watched the video several times. It created a strong surge of mixed emotion. I couldn't think straight while watching it. I loved it and hated it at the same time for making me romanticize the violence.
Another example is a popular video I saw last year that's much less violent but seemed to arouse equally strong emotions. A young, pretty, blond white girl sits in front of the camera and talks about her infatuation with Arab men. Nothing is pornographic or poetic; her tone is quite flat and even bland. Arab men are handsome. They're sexy. They're romantic. They know how to treat women well. They're fun to hang out with. She only goes out with Arab men now. Her current boyfriend is Arab. She's learning Arabic. She's converting to Islam. That's it, really.
You can imagine how the typical anti-Arab commenter reacts to this. Her positive stereotyping sends them into a frenzy. What she believes is the exact opposite of what any white, presumably Christian woman is supposed to believe about Arab men. It's a huge challenge to their own beliefs, and they have to deal with it by turning her into a non-representative freak, someone who's not deserving of the title of woman, even.
If it was a more common fetish – for example, a white man giving similarly bland reasons for liking Asian women --- there is no way the video would have gotten the same attention and reaction.
I first saw the Soulja Girl video at the Creative Loafing blog. It's a local Atlanta blog. There are other local sources for the video. It's viral because it's current, it involves something that almost all Atlantans are familiar with (the MARTA train), it shows an extreme of human behavior and it reinforces some prior beliefs for a lot of people. I have to warn viewers, the video is quite depressing and is going to arouse a lot of negative emotions. I'm going to talk much more about those reactions than about the video itself.
Here are some comments from the initial Creative Loafing post. There's a good dialogue in that the stupid comments do not go unchallenged.
# Jill Chambers Says: May 7th, 2008 at 12:30 pm It's just one more reason why MARTA needs to have their police actually riding on the trains. How sad that someone would so rudely disrespect the elderly woman and that all those other riders did not even try to come to her defense.
# Cricket Says: May 8th, 2008 at 6:46 am This is a perfect reason that people with concealed carry permits SHOULD be allowed on MARTA. If I had seen this, and it had escalated to actual physical violence, I would have no problem giving that ghetto wh*re two in the hat.
# Ken Edelstein Says: May 8th, 2008 at 8:06 am Cricket, you make the point of gun control advocates everywhere.
# DaleC Says: May 8th, 2008 at 9:47 am Cricket it DID escalate to physical violence when the guy finally stood up and stopped the aggressor. No weapons needed. That poor old woman. I can't believe it took that long for SOMEBODY to stand up to her being assaulted. Notice how rapidly Soulja Girl's attitude changed when she was confronted by someone who showed force in an appropriate manner. Bullies fold when someone calls them on their crap. It's a shame it took someone that long to stand up to her. As an aside, don't you just LOVE the beautiful world of Hard Core Hip Hop culture.
# Roxie Says: May 9th, 2008 at 11:16 am Dude, Dale, did you just call "superman" Hard Core HipHop? Please, appropriately hang your head in shame. The woman in the video was not a life threatening individual. Although, she is severely testing sanity and patience, being horrendously disrespectful, aggressive, and antagonizing..It was NOT dealt with appropriately by the young man, as you can see, it only escalated the situation. There are better ways to deal with something like this that do not involve HITTING. Of course, armchair quarterbacking is so easy. It took so long for ppl to respond b/c they couldn't believe what was happening and certainly didn't expect it to last as long as it did.
Hilarious. # nast Says: May 9th, 2008 at 12:17 pm Seeing as how this incident was defused by a simple act of wig pulling, perhaps Gov. Perdue should sign a bill that protects individual rights to pull others' wigs in restaurants, parks, churches and other public places. "A wig-pulling society is a polite society."
In the next update to the story, the spittle-flecked monologue begins.
# troy c Says: May 9th, 2008 at 6:06 pm Is she an Obama superdelegate?
# LMM66 Says: May 9th, 2008 at 9:03 pm Not one of those losers tried to help an elderly woman. Everyone there was dumb*** you-know-what. As people have mentioned here already, THIS is how stereotypes are formed. And whether folks like it or not, THIS is the norm for "them".
# Weary One Says: May 10th, 2008 at 9:52 pm M.A.R.T.A. Moving Africans Rapidly Through Atlanta
# Roxie Says: May 11th, 2008 at 1:02 am Wow. I didn't know so many racists liked CL.
MARTA actually stands for Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority (although everyone knows the other five words). It's a contentious intersection of race and politics in Atlanta.
Compared to better-known train systems, such as New York City, the trains are very limited in the ground they cover. The crime rate is low and the trains and stations are extraordinarily clean. Everyday users of the MARTA trains are predominantly working-class/middle-class African-Americans. All other Atlantans take the trains periodically, usually to go the airport or to attend special events held downtown.
Central Atlanta is a diverse mix, with the largest bloc being native (Atlanta-born) African-American. White people who live inside Atlanta are comparatively progressive in their politics, especially because of the huge GLBT community. They're not a choir of enlightened angels, by any means, but one thing is sure: if they were scared of seeing and talking to black people every day, they wouldn't be living where they do.
The suburbs to the east are where many richer, non-Atlanta-born African-Americans have settled. And to the far north, the suburbs trace the arc of white flight. The iron claws of the northern suburbs have had a pretty bad effect on the development of public transportation in Atlanta. Their politics, plus the road-construction lobby's dirty money, ensures that Atlanta's traffic congestion and air quality get worse and worse every year. MARTA's system is funded only by the two counties of metropolitan Atlanta, although people from the surrounding counties frequently use it for park-and-ride. The counties of the northern suburbs refuse to link their own systems to it, for fear of getting too many undesirable people in their neighborhoods. A well known fact: "MARTA is unique in that it is the largest United States transit agency not to receive state operational funding."
The comments to the video illustrate an intense fear and loathing of public transportation. This fear and loathing feeds from racism, then back into racism, in a vicious feedback loop. "If only I could never leave my car," they pray. But parking is limited at their sporting events and their centers of bureaucracy. Every once in a while, they have to bravely step onto a MARTA train. And they're not even allowed to carry their guns on board! They resent that.
Anyone who is passionate about Atlanta and knowledgeable about Atlanta and lives inside it, no matter what their race, knows about this dynamic. We're all hostages to it.
Getting back to a more personal level, what do viewers feel about the woman?
I didn't think that drugs were involved. It definitely wasn't crack. People on crack aren't that fluid and expressive and coordinated in their movements. I think a lot of people on the train had the same visceral reaction I did… the fear and awe of the mad. If you don't look at them, maybe they won't notice you.
In fact, that's what happened. I read it first at local videojournalist A.Man.I's blog: Soulja Girl Turns Herself In. The fuller story was reported here and on local radio stations.
She's only 25 years old, but the dark bags under Nafiza Z.'s eyes tell the story of a young life blighted by psychosis, delusions, hallucinations and mania that are the hallmarks of her mental disorder.
Yesterday afternoon, Nafiza, was in the DeKalb County jail receiving the psychiatric treatment she desperately needed. But on April 7th, Nafiza was spiraling out of control on a MARTA train traveling through Atlanta's east side.
The scenes captured on another passenger's cell phone of Nafiza aka "Soulja Girl" terrorizing an elderly passenger - caused a sensation on the Internet and embarrassed MARTA officials who quickly issued a warrant for her arrest.
People with bipolar disorder aren't usually that violent or aggressive even in their manic phase. They are usually more of a danger to themselves than they are to others.
Nafiza's boyfriend Dee, with whom she has a baby son, said it more eloquently when he called into the Ryan Cameron Show on Friday, "If she wasn't bipolar she would be the good a person on earth," said Dee.
"That girl got a good heart. The city don't help her, man! They just kick her back out on the streets. The city don't help [black mentally ill] folks like that. Once you get in that [manic] stage you can't help yourself. It mess with your mind, man. Once your mind gone it's a wrap!"
I don't know exactly what it's like to be in the grip of clinical mania, adrenaline coursing through your body, other strange chemicals surging through your brain. But I know what it feels like to be a witness to something like that. Perhaps the awe and fear of the bystander is partly because of our empathy with mania... as if we're seeing the dial turned up to 10 on an experience we've felt at level 3 or 4.
It reminds me of a bizarre experience I had when I was in college in Miami. I was at a donut shop late at night, studying with some friends. An older white man walked in and set down at the booth next to us. He started talking very loudly to the air in a sharp, agonized tone. It was a monologue about being a Vietnam vet and how he was betrayed and how it was all the fault of the gooks. That sentiment, those words, over and over again.
My friends were shrinking into their seats. They were all foreign students and terrified of getting into trouble and getting deported, especially the one from Iraq. I had the opposite reaction. My skin was on fire, there was a buzzing noise in my ears, my body started shivering and trembling as if someone had plugged me into an electric current, and everytime he said the word "gook" the current spiked. After a couple minutes of this, I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and faced him and started yelling back.
There was chaos after that point. Another older white man came over, said he was also a Vietnam vet and then took my side of the loud, disjointed argument. The staff of the donut shop got involved. There were numerous threats of ass-kicking. The police came. They tried to talk him down but eventually arrested him after he got into his car, because he was obviously in no condition to drive.
My friends, who hadn't moved during the whole time, told me I was crazy. Yes, my actions were pretty irrational, but I didn't feel like I had a choice. I'd waded up to my knees in something that the mentally ill man was drowning in. I suppose I won, but my victory was pretty hollow.
This was the first narrative that I connected to the video I watched today. But after that man went out into the parking lot, I have no idea how his story began or ended.
After I read a bit more of Nafiza Z.'s story, I feel almost guilty for writing this analysis. I still empathize with the bystanders and the poor elderly lady, but I also empathize with her terrible struggle. I hope these words will go to show how the hatred expressed toward her has more to do with a complicated web of politics, race and resentment than it does with her actual actions. I hope she can transcend the person shown in that video and become the person she wants to be.
I talked to Sunny today over the webcam. He gives me a kiss by kissing the computer screen. I can't see him doing it, of course, I just see the top of his head approaching the camera. It's still really sweet. Then we all make funny faces at each other, and he laughs.
I usually don't get so sentimental over holidays, but this is my first mother's day as a mother, even if I'm a currently a quasi-mother, or perhaps a virtual telepresent mother.
I wondered whether to send a card to Sunny's biological mom. I decided against it. I don't know if it's my place yet to do so, and I don't know whether she wants to remember this day or not. I did send something to Sunny's foster mom.
This is a great organization I support. They have been working on many initiatives, including aid to Burma.
This Mother's Day give the mothers in your life a gift with meaning, a Doctors Without Borders e-card. Sending a Mother's Day e-card is fast and simple. You can choose the photo to feature in the card, like the one displayed here, and customize your personal message.Your Mother's Day gift will help Doctors Without Borders deliver medical aid where it is needed most. Women and children are disproportionately affected by humanitarian crises like armed conflict, displacement, disease and malnutrition. Our teams reach out every day to help them and other vulnerable people in nearly 60 countries. Let them and the mothers in your life know that you care this Mother's Day.
Doctors Without Borders/Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) is an international independent medical humanitarian organization that delivers emergency aid to people affected by armed conflict, epidemics, natural and man-made disasters, and exclusion from health care in nearly 60 countries. New York Office: 333 Seventh Avenue, New York, NY 10001
Anyone who's bitter about media coverage of Obama will love this cartoon. I'm still chuckling about it. I love the "transitivity of blackness" definition, the church sign, and the depiction of "throwing his grandmother under the bus".
I have an exciting opportunity this weekend. I can't talk about it now, but maybe later I will.
We have a date for Sunny's placement! It's not as soon as we'd like, but at least we have it. I just hope they'll stick with it.
I feel exhausted recently. I need to get back on my vitamins and exercise.
Also, I'm terrible at posting the right things at the right time. But I should mention that May is Asian Pacific American Heritage Month, as well as National Foster Care Month.
At one point in my life, I needed to take my Spanish to fluency level in order to accomplish an important goal. I spent a year working to save money in order to go to a private immersion school in a Latin American country. I picked the capital of Costa Rica, San José. I wanted to stay in a relatively big city, and I was worried the smaller towns famous for language schools in Mexico and Guatemala would have so many other Americans that the immersion wouldn't be as effective.
The school lasted 9 weeks, 8 hours a day. I was placed with a Costa Rican family. My señora was an older woman living with her adult son. They had a beautiful house in the suburbs. My boarding price included a breakfast and dinner. Breakfast was often a fried pork chop accompanied by rice and beans and a vegetable, with a side of fresh tropical fruit, a glass of fresh-squeezed orange juice and a steaming thermos of world-famous Costa Rican coffee. The first time she presented me with this spread, it was pretty intimidating. But I ate every delicious bite, thanked the señora and staggered off to school.
Some of my American fellow students drove me crazy. There was a teenager who kept complaining about the breakfasts. She made her señora fix her a special breakfast: Captain Crunch cereal. Then she complained because her señora wasn't fixing it right. The cereal was too soggy. So she made the señora wait to put the cereal into the milk until the exact proper moment.
I didn't want to be an ugly American. I tried to understand the customs of daily life, and did some research before I went. I also knew from living in Miami that people would call me "chinita" or "Chinese girl" without regard for my real ethnicity, but that "chinita" didn't carry the same negative baggage as it would in the U.S. In my own country there's a thin but persistent layer of enmity towards Asians, based on a long history of immigration scares, economic competition, and wars. That history wasn't the same in Costa Rica, obviously. Asians were simply stereotyped as "exotic" and "foreign". It was actually a breath of fresh air. I had to deal with being "foreign", and I had to deal with explaining that yes, I really was an American even though I didn't look like one. Nothing especially difficult or painful.
I didn't think about other racial stereotypes, but I had a rude awakening.
In class, we were doing a unit based on cartoons and jokes. We were shown cartoons and asked to comment on them. It was going well. Then I turned the page of the photocopied course packet for the next cartoon. There was a black boy with exaggerated black features, crying, sitting by the side of the road next to huge watermelon slice. An older man (white/criollo) asks him, "why are you crying, negrito"? The boy says something like, "there's too much watermelon and not enough negrito".
It was horribly offensive. I went to the teacher right away. It was hard for me to articulate myself in Spanish, so I switched to English, which the teacher spoke very well. I told her, "this is a terrible cartoon, it's very offensive to black people. It really needs to be taken out of the course packet."
The teacher smiled and chuckled. She explained several things. In the U.S., we had lots of problems with race relations. Even riots! But things just weren't the same in Costa Rica. In her country, black and white people got along. In fact, she had an in-law who was part black. No black Costa Rican would see anything wrong with that cartoon. How would I know it was offensive, when I myself wasn't black? What's wrong with enjoying watermelon?
She was implying, very politely, that I shouldn't be an ugly American. I was imposing my own ideas about race relations in a realm where I was ignorant.
I'd lost some clarity, but I stayed on track. If I couldn't win the argument on moral grounds, I'd switch to practical.
"I'm sorry I can’t explain why it's so offensive. But if you have a black student from the United States, and they see the cartoon, I promise you they'll be very offended. In fact, they'd probably ask for their money back and say bad things about the school when they got back home."
That did the trick. The teacher promised to remove the cartoon from the next course packet.
I felt bad about going this route and, in essence, threatening their livelihood. The teachers were women with multiple degrees in the humanities, who worked harder, for much less pay, than their U.S. equivalents. Costa Rica has a high standard of living for the region, but America is a much more powerful country and casts a large shadow.
My guilt didn't last long. I found out that everything the teacher told me about black Costa Ricans was wrong. When I went to the black Caribbean coast (which every criollo Costa Rican warned me against doing) and actually met black Costa Ricans, I realized that Costa Rican society was extremely segregated. There was strong institutionalized racism against black people. The tourist dollars were diverted from their beaches; their language (English patois) was disparaged and dying out.
The most graphic illustration I had of this flavor of racism was in another part of Costa Rica, when I was watching television next to a friend of my señora.
They were showing a Richard Pryor movie on TV. She quickly changed the channel and said, in a normal conversational tone, "I don't like black people. I don't know why, I just don't. My mother was the same way!"
I maintained a stunned silence. I didn't say anything, because the woman was much older than me, and I felt physically incapable of confronting her. I just sat there, confused, frustrated, depressed, inadequate and culpable.
So my attempts at dealing with anti-black racism in Costa Rica were definitely a mixed bag: one partial success, one abject failure.
It's very difficult determining where to intervene or how to stand when it comes to unfamiliar forms of racism. People defending American racism (or denying that it exists) often point to other countries and say, triumphantly, "well, they're just as racist!" When done from an unquestioning perspective, condemning the practices of other countries has little effect other than asserting American moral superiority.
I still believe it has to be tried.
I learned a lot about racism in my own country from traveling and living in Latin America. In parallel, the most insightful accounts of racism in Korea and Japan have been the ones I've read from African-Americans. Different forms of racism are often not as separate and distinct as they first seem, and comparing them shows the weak spots where they can be challenged.
The leadership in Atlanta and Dekalb County has been pretty bad in this area. I believe a lot of individual police are trying to do good jobs, but they're not getting enough help. The husband of one of my mother's friends was a policeman for a while, but quit because his working environment was so horrible. He said he was actually losing his sanity.
I just found a fascinating window into the problem: an anonymous blog called "Dekalb Officers Speak".
Here's an example. T-Bo is what they call Terrell Bolton, the scandal-ridden Chief of Police.
MESSAGE FOR BRASS
T-BO OR T-BO MAJORS, DEPUTY CHIEFS, ETC...WE JUST WANT ALL OF YOU TO KNOW THAT NOBODY LIKES YOU. WE PUT ON SOME GREAT SMILES AND CONVERSATIONS BUT WE DON'T LIKE YOU. OK THATS ALL I HAVE.
I saw Harold & Kumar this weekend. I really enjoyed it. We laughed like crazy through most of the movie. It had some groaners as well, but the pace was quick enough so that they didn't bog down the movie.
To many Asian-Americans, H&K is not just a really filthy stoner movie. I'm not going to devote a long post to it, but here are some interesting analyses and commentary:
The movies are, yes, extremely sexist, and draw heavily on homophobic humor as well. I'm not going to deny that. I wish they weren't. But it's something I have to deal with in order to see actual, funny, non-racist racial humor.
As a parallel, I really thought about going to see "300". I like violent comic book movies, and I'm the kind of film geek that really appreciates good editing and cinematography. But I ultimately passed, because the movie was so racist. I think I would have been too disturbed. It doesn't matter that the director of the movie is Mexican-American and in many respects seems like a pretty cool, enlightened guy. By all accounts, the movie was racist as hell, and I didn't want to see the inhuman Eastern masses slaughtered by the heroic white dudes.
I don't blame anyone who didn't make my same decision, and went to see "300" and enjoyed it.
After all, I absolutely love "Lord of the Rings," which is also really racist. Again, I don't want to get into a long discussion of it, but Tolkien's world-building is based on the premise that West=civilized=noble=light versus South/East=barbaric=evil=dark. It's global colorism on a transcendental level. Not to mention the class issues. By the way, if you want to read an awesome Tolkien takedown, check out this essay by Michael Moorcock. I love that essay. I also still love Tolkien.
It's a lot easier to draw the line when a statement or movie or figure or essay or comedy (and so on) has no redeeming value and is just purely hateful or stupid.
It looks like Sunny will not be moving here until early June. The paperwork has been delayed so much they want to keep him at his school until the end of the school year.
I'm really sad, but there's nothing we can do. I'm hoping his worker will bring him down for another visit next month.
Five months since match date. It could be worse. I've heard ten months for ICPC. I've even heard TWO YEARS. No one wants it to take this long. There's no good reason for it.
I think his worker is avoiding calling me with updates because I snapped (mildly) the last time we talked. She'd started making soothing noises: "I know the wait is hard, you've just got to be patient." I said, "I'm not sorry for MYSELF. I'm used to waiting. I'm thinking about how Sunny feels." I guess that wasn't 100% true, because I do feel just a little bit sorry for myself. But we're adults; Sunny is a 6-year-old boy and time passes so much more slowly for him.
In other complaint news, we had a training recently and I caught up with several other parents I've met before. One of them told me that she used to have my same caseworker. That same backstabbing, lying incompetent caseworker who scampered off last year without telling anyone. I really didn't know what was wrong until everything fell apart, but this mother had adopted from the system before, so she knew something was rotten. She demanded to the head of the agency that the caseworker be taken off her case. She even threatened to contact the governor! She got a new caseworker and was matched very shortly afterwards. I saw her new kids at the training. It's ridiculous that someone open to adopting teenagers, like she was, had to wait as long as she did.
Another couple told me how they'd been screwed over by the same caseworker. She'd actually told them she'd written their homestudy and was sending it out. She just never wrote it, much less sent it. Absolutely mind-boggling!
On the bright side, we had a neat little milestone with Sunny tonight. Whenever I talk to him on the phone, I always ask him if he's learned any new songs in school. He'll say yes, but can't ever remember the words, so he just tells me what the song is about, like "I learned a song about flying a kite". But tonight, he remembered, and sang the song for us! It was about springtime when birds go chirp chirp chirp.
The author was raised by Jamaican-American parents who were very bigoted against African-Americans. She was not allowed to associate with African-Americans or explore any aspects of African-American culture.
As she grew up, her experience was that most other African-Americans, with a few notable exceptions, rejected her. She didn't talk correctly. She was often accused of "acting white". She had so many negative experiences she decided to move to West Africa, where she's been for the last two years, and she wants to raise her children there.
The comments really exploded.
Many people were picking apart her post to say that she needed to shoulder some of the blame because she'd internalized too much of her parents' bigotry against African-Americans, even though she'd said she tried not to. Many American black people of African immigrant or Caribbean descent echoed her feelings and the pain of rejection she'd suffered. Others said that they'd made a much more successful transition into a positive blended African-American identity.
It's a depressing conflict. I think it takes place among all groups of color, but it might be the most painful among black people because of the high standard for racial solidarity (as separate from ethnic solidarity, that is).
Of course, my initial urge was to support the original poster. As Racialicious editor Latoya noted, the poster was like a third-culture kid, even though she didn't have a dual nationality upbringing. I really empathized with a) her alienation from her immediate environment b) the fact that she felt more comfortable being a foreigner in a foreign country than a foreigner in her own country.
Much further down in the comment list, a black transracial adoptee weighed in. Her point was very direct. Don't minimize the experience of being rejected and alienated. Some other commenters were walking down that path. "I was called an oreo, butI got over it." Her comment was more like, "Yes, I got over it, but it hurt like hell."
When I was young, the vast majority of the racist abuse I received was from white people. I wonder if it was simpler to process psychologically. Not easier, just less complicated. I had to place the abuse in context. I couldn't afford to personalize it and avoid all white people. If I did, I'd live an insanely dysfunctional existence.
I did feel more betrayed by the same abuse coming from black kids, but I didn't personalize it either.
I absolutely see the danger in soaking in your suffering so much that you use it as an excuse for your own resentment and pointless negativity. But I also think that across American culture and beyond, there's too much of an effort to normalize it, and normalizing it just perpetuates it.
But this is the part where I need to be very honest myself. I'm terrified Sunny might go through some of the same things. In fact, he almost certainly will. We don't have control over much of it.
He doesn't sound African-American. There's no trace of any of the different kinds of black American accents. I don't know if he'll pick one up. I spoke with an accent when I moved to America at the age of 6, and I never lost that accent... even though I tried really hard. On the other hand, I know other children and adults who have changed accents in a seemingly effortless way. I want him to be happy whether he picks up an accent or whether he stays with the one he has.
One of the worst social environments for Sunny would be a polarized one where he felt he had to choose one of two sides. Someone I know from a forum (not a TRA) once explained that her worst time ever was in a highly segregated school in which all the black kids were from the same class and same community. Since her (black) family moved in from outside that community, they rejected her. If she wouldn't "act black" according to a pretty narrow definition, it meant she was "acting white".
At least we're in a great location to optimize his environment. I want to put him in a school where there's a diversity of black and African-American identity. So he'll get teased for talking funny and having an Asian mom and a white dad. But then maybe another kid in the same class is from Sierra Leone and talks funny too, and another kid's parents moved from New Jersey, and another kid is a country boy from Mississippi... in an environment like that, the stakes are so much lower. The teasing doesn't have to lead into alienation and corrosion of identity.
It's so disturbing to me that many white transracial adoptive parents don't seem to understand the importance of social environment. They think they can instill a healthy identity in their kids, even in almost entirely white environments. I find that incredibly naive. Parents of color have constant struggles in this area, much less white parents! Realistically speaking, parents don't have that degree of control over their kids' development. I think international adoptive communities often give parents a false sense of empowerment. Read these books by other adoptive parents, put Guatemalan textiles on the wall, eat at the Ethiopian restaurant, tell your Chinese daughter what a rich history China has. I mean, these are all good things, but children don't establish their identity based on things and facts.
Some people get this, but a lot of people still don't.
It was a huge shock to me, when I first started reading about international adoption a few years ago, that there was this huge wave of Korean adoption in Minnesota. MINNESOTA??? MINNESOTA!!! That was my reaction. Before, I hadn't really thought much about the subject of adoption and social environment, even though I very briefly dated a "KAD". So I don't think what I'm talking about is immediately self-evident. But if you really start thinking about it, it just gets clearer and clearer.
But then, the poster at Racialicious probably had the right environment, but the wrong parents. Wrong because they sabotaged her through their efforts to protect her.
Of course, individual personality plays a huge role as well. Some kids are natural chameleons, at home anywhere they go.
When I was a baby, my father used to hold me out over the edge of balconies in order to cure me of a future fear of heights. There was also a strange reason for this I only found out about much later. Lesson? Not all of our protection strategies work. On the bright side, it didn't mess me up for life, either.
I need to remind myself to back off and not get involved in internet negativity.
I had to put someone in an adoption venue on "ignore" because I am tired of all the racist (specifically, borderline mainstream socially acceptable racist) anti-Obama garbage they are spewing. I am not even going to repeat what it is because I'm so sick of it and sick of refuting it.
I hate that kind of bashing. I would never do it to Clinton. I disagree with many of her policies and I don't like her campaign strategy, but I don't feel the need to bash her so viciously.
A reiteration for myself:
My goal in internet communication is to spend the majority of my time 1) being educated by other people's life experiences and ideas 2) educating other people through my life experiences and ideas.
I am not here for backpats. Although support and advice are great, especially supportive advice, and I appreciate it and try to give it back as much as possible, unconditional and uncritical support is something I don't believe in. In some areas of the adoption blogosphere, I've seen it reach incredibly unhealthy levels. The "you can't judge me" syndrome.
I am not here to fix especially regressive and wrong thinking. Ideally, I should not be spending more than 5-10% of my total time on the internet issuing correction slips and getting involved in negative exchanges.
Here are some of the things that tend to trap me in negativity:
1) Race. I spend a lot of my time on racially oriented blogs. Racialicious is my favorite, because it's so well-moderated. It often feels like an oasis of sanity. Nevertheless, discussions of multiracial identity are a hot button there and can really get me upset. I don't believe interracial relationships are better than any other kind of relationship. But it's very personal to me. It's about my parents. It's about my very self.
2) Adoption. I've gone into great detail about the things that are wrong with the adoptoworld. I'm resigned to most of it. I love the metaphor I heard American Family once use, "howling into the abyss". The foster adoption corner is much nicer than the rest of it, but I'm biased that way, of course.
3) Feminism. I consider myself a feminist and I like reading feminist blogs. But there are these constant battles going on that just confuse me to death. I feel like I'm always supposed to take a side along fault lines I don't want to take a side on.
4) Buddhism. I was spending some time on a Buddhist forum, but I felt like I needed to withdraw because it was so white-dominated. I have no problem with the fact that some white people speak Japanese and know Japanese culture better than I do. No problem at all. I was happy to shut up and just listen to them. But when OTHER white people who THINK they know Japanese culture but really DON'T then presume to lecture me on it, it's the most obnoxious thing in the world.
5) Personal Finance and Investing. Sometimes I get tired of the female-dominated communities and their tendency towards cliquishness. Then I remember that male-dominated communities are even worse. I learn a lot of things in this arena that don't make it to my blog, but I hate having to see all the sexism and homophobia. I'm sure there are a lot of women involved in these communities, but most of them keep their femininity anonymous so that they can be communicated to like a human being.
6) In a category by itself... Asian-American issues. I had to drastically scale back my involvement last year, but I'm cautiously getting back in. I want to concentrate on useful, positive posts through APAforProgress.com.
7) In another category by itself... Autism. I've been irregularly reading blogs of autistic people. By the way, I don't believe in vaccine causation. I find the blogs very interesting. And since I have no personal connection to autism, the conflict there doesn't suck me into negativity.
Ah, it felt good getting that off my chest. Now I just need to get back to saying more nembutsu. I've really fallen off lately. Once we move, I'll have a great place to set up, but for now, it's hard to establish the right place and time.
Still no news on when placement is going to be. We are hoping by the end of the month.
Right now we're in the middle of a really important decision: moving. We want to move to a larger house within a couple miles of our current house.
One of our top locations is just a bit to the south and east. The problem is that the school district is terrible. Well, they're terrible all over Georgia, but this one is especially bad. Many other homeowning parents manage by relying on charter/magnet schools and private schools.
There's a lot of really complicated issues about crime, education, class and race involved here. I try to make decisions based on pragmatism, and it's amazing how much irrational weirdness and fear is involved in neighborhood choice.
Listen to this quote from a forum on local neighborhoods:
If you are going to visit ___ I would suggest you do it in the day only and even then you could be robbed or jacked at any red light. Be sure to get gas before you go there.
I called my husband over and we read that and both laughed like crazy. It's referring to a neighborhood he goes to almost every day for work. My mother lives nearby.
I used to live next to a really bad neighborhood in Miami. I've also stayed in a squat house in the lower East Side in the early 1990s. I know what bad neighborhoods are like. There is no way I would walk more than 100 feet from my house in Miami alone after dark. To me, a bad neighborhood means gunshots, dealers on corners, broken crack vials, burglar bars on every window, cages on A/C units so crackheads don't steal them for the copper, mean pit bulls behind chainlink fences, robberies and murders.
It doesn't mean subdivisions with well-maintained brick ranch homes on quiet streets where the only sounds are birds singing and children playing.
The neighborhood that quote is talking about is a middle-class, predominantly African-American suburb. There are also a fair number of older retired white people there who resisted the initial white flight, a few younger ones who were attracted by the lower property prices, plus some newer immigrant arrivals.
I felt very sad today. I'm tired from traveling and I'm tired of not knowing when Sunny is going to be moved.
The visit was great. We went to several parks and amusements. We burned off a lot of his energy by running around and flying kites and playing soccer. If he doesn't get a lot of physical activity during the day, his foster mom says he doesn't sleep well. But whenever we're around, he always sleeps well!
A cute thing happened at one of the parks we visited. Sunny met another little boy his age and accidentally kicked him in the head! That's not as bad as it sounds... Sunny loves to imitate the gymnastics that his older sisters practice, and his best move is one where he grabs hold of something about waist level, then kicks up and spins both feet in the air above his head. He showed off the move to his new friend at the playground, and there was a little bit of sneaker-to-head contact.
"OW!"
Sunny made a shocked face and his mouth turned into a perfect "O".
"I didn't mean that! Sorry! Let me rub your head and make it better!"
Then he rubbed the other boy's head and made sure everything was OK. A few seconds later, head kick forgotten, they teamed up and proceeded to attack a large rock with pretend light sabers. I think the rock won.
When we left at the end of our visit, Sunny was sitting in the yard, playing with a twig. His foster mom told him to watch in the sky for an airplane, because we'd be on it, waving goodbye to him.
If we don't get placement within a month, I guess both or one of us will go up again for another visit. We can't really afford it, but it's just such a long time.
Being with Sunny doesn't make me extraordinarily happy or anything like that. It just feels natural and normal. Now that we're not together again, I don't feel quite like myself.
I've been debating with myself for almost a month whether to blog about this or not. It means giving out a piece of personal information that's going to make it much easier for people to identify me in real life. On the other hand, I don't see how I'm going to avoid mentioning it at some point as I keep blogging.
Sunny and I have a fairly strong resemblance. Maybe it'll fade as he gets older. But right now, he looks like the baby I had with Tiger Woods. I didn't notice it as first, but then as people of several different races kept pointing it out, I accepted it.
My feelings were very complex. We look alike, but he doesn't look like my husband. What does this resemblance signify? It's like a triangle that should be equilateral but isn't. My husband doesn't love him any less... Should I be happy about it? Or simply neutral? If I'm happy should I be guilty for feeling happy?
A lot of people are going to assume that he's my biological child by a previous marriage. This will eventually mean that we'll get 50% less awkward questions about adoption and race. So that's a strong positive.
I hate awkward questions about race, but I've been getting them my whole life, so I've built up quite an immunity. But it's a good thing he'll be spared some of them. So in the larger scheme of things, I should look at this as a positive.
I'm definitely planning on getting some genetic analysis done for him. I'm hoping to do it for myself as well. Just like Sunny, my paternal family tree is shrouded by adoption. I've contacted a few companies already, but they seem to concentrate on Europe and Africa, and none of them had Ainu-specific detail. I imagine it will become available in the near future, however.
I'm excited that these tools are available nowadays. Sunny can use the information as part of a toolkit to build up a story for himself, a story that connects with the larger story of America. Where did he get his Asian eye shape? Perhaps from the Chinese laborers that built the railroads in the 19th century and then merged into the black population. Watching the first African-American Lives show, I think several participants had a family history of Native American descent that actually turned out to be East Asian after testing.
I just got into a slightly testy conversation over here about genetic testing and racial background (by the way I think it's wonderful that Yondalla has such a strong grasp on these issues). The more I get involved in these types of discussions, the harder it is to separate multiracial and transracial identity issues.
It's, well, interesting being the multiracial daughter of an intraracial adoptee, from an interracial relationship, in an interracial marriage and about to transracially adopt a multiracial son from an interracial relationship. The great thing is that past a certain point, I don't see how it can get any more complicated!
When we started on our adoption path, I gave up on the mental image of having a child that would look like me. But I couldn't get rid of the expectations that others had on me in that regard... and this is hard to explain, although I've touched on it several times. I'll try again.
When we made our match with Sunny, there was one other child in the picture, although the picture was hazier and the match was much less certain. All we knew was that the caseworker was interested in our family. We had a picture and paragraph description of a little girl. A beautiful little girl who was listed as "Hispanic" and had light skin and facial features that were more Asian or Asian/Indigenous than Caucasian.
Isn't it suspicious that the only two matches we had in a year, after making hundreds of inquiries, were of children who had some physical resemblance to me? And isn't it odd that it's a resemblance totally based on race, although the children were of different races? And that it seemed like we never had a chance for any of the Asian children I tried for?
I'm the mother of two brothers who came to us through the foster care system. I'm also a Nikkei hapa. This is a blog about transracial adoption from an unusual point of view, combined with some politics and ATL living.
Foster Care System Perspectives
