Talking About Feelings

Last week's therapy was the first time Sunny had a meltdown with the therapist.

They were playing his new SMath game that he'd brought to therapy. I'd warned the therapist in advance that Sunny tends to get a little obsessed and overemotional when it comes to new games. Sure enough, he had an argument with her about the right way to play the game. She said that she wasn't able to play the game with him until he calmed down. He yelled and argued and cried and blamed her. On the positive side, he was able to pull himself out of the state, apologize, and finish up the session well.

He's on a trend recently where he reacts by instantly blaming others. We've been hearing a lot of things like "you just want me to starve to death", "you just want to ruin my life" and our favorite, "you just want me to be bored." Because it's just so much fun for us when Sunny is bored! Ha ha ha.

He had another meltdown before we even got to the parking lot of the therapist's office. She thought that might happen, and came outside for a little bit. We had a good talk about how Sunny needs to label his feelings more, because he's afraid of his feelings and defaults every negative feeling to anger, which then turns into "I'm angry because YOU made me angry."

After Sunny calmed down again -- and he stayed OK for the rest of the night -- we talked about how he was feeling embarrassed. He didn't want his therapist to see him lose control, and when she did, that made him very sad, and embarrassed, and then angry. I reminded him that maybe if he talked about being embarrassed, he could keep from moving into anger.

This morning we had another episode that could have turned into a hitting fit, but didn't. I asked him not to touch a sausage. He touched it. That's how it started. I just kept a calm tone and told him I was waiting for a real apology. There was a lot of yelling and accusations: I wanted him to be late for school. I wanted him to starve to death because I said he couldn't finish his cereal until he apologized. I wanted to ruin his day. I was a liar.

I stuck to my points:

- He needs to do what I ask him the first time I ask. I didn't want him to get hot sausage grease all over his hands. Contrary to his argument, I don't need to fully explain my reason before I ask him to do something.
- When he apologizes, it's not a real apology if he yells "Sorry" in a nasty tone while not looking me in the eyes.
- It's also not a real apology unless, at the very least, he takes responsibility.

He came close to really losing it at a few moments, but he finally pulled himself out of it. We were able to talk about the fact that we knew he was embarrassed. He knew he was wrong, but he kept inventing excuses, and that caused him to feel embarrassed and hang his head and hide his eyes and refuse to look at us. He agreed that he'd been feeling embarrassed.

I also asked him Sunny if he wanted to push me in the kitchen when he was angry. He paused a little bit before he said "yes, I did." I congratulated him for not pushing me. Instead, he'd come to me for a hug when he was ready to calm down.

It's so hard to know when an issue like this is a pointless power struggle, and when it's important to hold the line to establish consistency. One thing I've decided to give up on is making him wear sweaters or roll up his pant cuffs. It's not worth it. But I still think we have to come down like a brick wall when he starts with the blame routine. I believe Sunny's number one challenge in life is going to be anger management. We can't just let it slide. We have to do everything we can right now to keep it from being a bigger problem later.

Exploring "embarrassment" and maybe talking about shame and guilt as well is a path that seems very promising. It's not hard to tell when he's feeling that way, because he doesn't have any problems making eye contact under normal circumstances.

The "starve to death" accusations are irritating consider the vast amounts of food he consumes! But I think it's much more about keeping his brain temporarily occupied than about the food itself. He often wants to eat small things, just because eating is something to do. For example, he thinks of his tiny multivitamins as a dessert, and sometimes he says he's hungry so that he can eat his vitamins early, and after that he's satisfied.

We're pretty strict when it comes to snacks. He can eat everything he wants at breakfast and dinner; we encourage him to eat second helpings until he says he's full. But he doesn't get any more than one snack between mealtimes. I'm kind of a hardass on this issue because I think that nonstop snacking on candy and chips throughout the day establishes bad eating habits: that is, if you feel bored, you eat something, instead of doing something. It's hard to know when to draw the line, though, because I don't want food to turn into too much of a control issue.

Getting back to labeling feelings, I've watched this video podcast from Welcome to My Brain a few times. It applies so much to Sunny!  Our therapist is obviously on the exact same page.  The game sounds like a great idea.

Sunny went to a birthday party this weekend for his little neighborhood friend who just turned three.  All the other kids were around 3-4 years old, and Sunny played with them wonderfully.  His friend's grandparents kept telling me how much they love having Sunny come over to play.  I just wanted to mention that, so I'm able to end this post on a positive note!