Second Impressions

We had our second visit with Sunny.

The next time he comes here, it should be forever. Unfortunately, we don't know exactly when yet, but we're hoping within a month.

We're getting to know him better. Here are some more of his qualities. He's extremely observant and always remarking on his environment, keeping up a constant stream of "that's cool!" and "that's funny!" and "Mom! Dad! Look at that!" He's a little timid sometimes, but his curiosity usually wins out. For example, he said he was scared of the whirlpool bath, but then he couldn't resist turning the button on after he was in the tub, and now he can't wait to take another whirlpool bath.

He's very open about what he feels, and what he wants, and what he doesn't want. The main behavior problem we had with him was quite predictable and mundane: vegetableophobia! I've had some success by promising him a stick of sugarless gum after dinner if he eats all his veggies.

Other than vegetables, he likes almost everything. He likes to go on errands, he likes to go shopping, he likes to put the dishes away, he likes to hug, he likes to help me dig holes in the garden.

He pops out of bed in the morning and does a little dance. He hardly gets tired and doesn't need naps.

He needs a lot of attention. He can't really play by himself for more than a few minutes. He also has a tendency to run from activity to activity. We're gently trying to keep him focused on doing one thing at a time for longer periods of time (like 10-15 minutes).

He's great with the dog. In fact, I wish he would play with the dog a little bit more, but our dog just isn't stimulating enough. Our dog loves playing fetch in short bursts, but that's about all he can do; his favorite hobby is sleeping in the sun.

Sunny does pretty well with structure and was following bedtimes and morning times with very little argument. He dawdles in his routine a bit when he gets distracted, but I don't think we're going to have difficulty when school starts and our routine gets stricter. I've promised to get him a wristwatch to help him keep track of time, and he's excited about that.

He asked me one or two times every day, "Am I being a good boy?" I told him that he was the best boy in the whole world. The question makes me sad. He must wonder what would happen to him if he wasn't good. Would he be taken away and given yet another mother and father? After placement he's probably going to test us to see what happens if he's not "a good boy".

His foster mother had told him, "it's your job now to love your new mom and dad". She told him that she already had so many kids who loved her, but we didn't have any kids, so he was given the important job of being our new son.

I don't know how I feel about that. On one hand, putting this kind of obligation on him is worrisome. It's a lot of pressure. On the other hand, every time anyone gives him a little job to do, he positively glows. "I can help!" or "I can do it!" Having a job can mean a lot of different things. For Sunny, where he is right now, I think "job" means being important and being in control and being part of things, and all of that makes him happy. If I tell him "such and such is not your job" it would represent the removal of a degree of control.

I'm going to neither deny nor reinforce his foster mom's narrative. We'll just wait and see how he feels after placement and what his therapist says. I might be more worried that he'd stifle his feelings... if he wasn't such a naturally expressive child.

At one point he said, "I miss Mommy (firstname)" which is what he calls his bio mom. I copied a picture from his lifebook of the two of them together, framed it and gave it to him to put in his room. He said "thank you!" and hugged me.

The two of them look great in the photo, but there are some things in the background that are kind of depressing once you know the whole story. I cropped it out as much as possible.

I did write "the letter" and sent it off. I kept it very simple. I told Sunny's biomom that we'll stay in contact and send updated photos; that she can write him as much as possible, and although it's likely we won't show the letters to Sunny until he is more secure in his new home, we will carefully save everything for him. I said that when he gets older we'll support his decisions about contact. I closed by wishing her well, and saying that we'll always respect the bond they have, and the fact that they love each other.

Sunny's worker has told her that Sunny's adoption is like a second chance for her to eventually form a healthy relationship with him. Maybe this will have a really positive result for her as well as for Sunny.

When it comes to Sunny's bio father, things are very hazy. I found his picture on the internet. I haven't decided at all what to do on that end. We need to wait for some more information.

I think Sunny is going to have a lot of challenges because of a rough start in life, but he has so many strengths as well. Also, he has less of a background of abuse, neglect and instability than most kids his age who have gone through TPR... his worker said she believes that in his case, the system really worked, due to an original caseworker who was on the ball. Sunny trusts that the people in his life are good and loving, and that the world might be a little scary around the edges, but it's ultimately a safe place. If he's nervous, he has someone's hand to hold; if he can't work something out, someone will come and help him. I'm so glad we don't have to teach him all those things.

Our main challenges are going to be maintaining patience and evenness and steering him away from too much television and video games. Like I said, he needs a lot of attention, and it can get a bit tiring. The easiest times with Sunny are taking him around with us and seeing new things. It's going to be a lot of fun traveling with him. When we have to spend many hours at home, it takes much more energy to keep him occupied.

His medication is not as much of an issue as I thought it would be. We're just going to maintain it for the first several months after placement, and then revisit the issue to see if we can taper down. His medication doesn't have any effect on his energy level or personality. These hourlong tantrums we were warned about almost seem mythical. I guess we shouldn't get too complacent though...

At a few points in the visit I felt euphoric, at other points a little panicky. "Wow... there's a small human being in my house who's relying on me!" Most of the time it just felt natural.

He's such a happy and exuberant little kid.