Sunny's Bio Grandma Made It

NN arrived in Atlanta yesterday.  She traveled here with a friend of hers.  She'll be staying for a week in a nearby hotel.

Today, they hung out at our house for a while with Guy and Sunny.  Sunny played lots of games with them and showed off his skateboarding.  Then, when I got home from work, we all went out to dinner together.  As a present, I'd made her a small photo album/scrapbook (I scrap, in a very rudimentary picture+caption+sticker way) covering Sunny's time with us and his major milestones.  We went through that book, and also the larger book I made of all his bio family pictures.

This is a really emotional time for Sunny.  He read through a couple of old cards that his Mommy __ sent, and then he had the same reaction he had the day we told him she died.  He... wilted.  Sunny cries frequently, loudly, and often in a very calculated and melodramatic fashion, but when he's really saddest, he doesn't cry at all... instead, you can see all of his energy leave him, and he gets very quiet all of a sudden. It affects me greatly to see him like that.

NN was so supportive.  She hugged him, reassured him that his mommy would always be with him, said she was happy he has the mom and dad he has now, and that his mommy was happy about that too.  But it was OK he was sad... she was sad too.

At the restaurant he was a little bit manic -- definitely more fidgety and argumentative than normal.  Guy took him outside at one point for a walk to try and cool him down a little bit.  He must have been emotionally overstimulated.  I think he'll be calmer through the rest of the visit.

In the car back, he mentioned at one point that he didn't want to hear about women being pregnant, it made him too sad, because his Mommy ___ was pregnant with him, and she also died.  We reassured him again.  NN told him, "She died because of a heart condition."  Later that night, when I put Sunny to bed, I tried to reassure him, in a roundabout way, that he was not responsible in any way for her death.  I have a feeling that that sort of association might be on the edge of his mind.  I told him that Mommy __ was very happy that she was pregnant with him and gave birth to him, and that it was a wonderful thing that happened in her life.

Then Sunny said that one reason he was sad Mommy ___ died was that it meant she wouldn't ever be pregnant again, and that meant he couldn't have more brothers and sisters.  That sounds kind of weird now that I type it up.... but it makes sense according to little kid logic (which is not selfish per se, but definitely self-centered).  Then we talked about brothers and sisters, and Sunny said he hopes that I can get pregnant with a baby, and we can also adopt BB, and then we could adopt his foster cousins.  I reminded him his foster cousins already have parents!  "But what if something happened to their mom and dad?"  I talked him out of that somewhat disturbing train of thought. 

He needed a lot of hugging and kissing goodnight.  There'll definitely be a lot to process over the coming days.

I'm proud of NN for making it here. 

Losing parents through being fostered or adopted is often compared to parental loss via death, with the analysis that loss through death is somehow cleaner, less complicated and less ambiguous.  But after tonight, I'm not sure where I stand on that distinction.

Missing Mothers

I had a very nice day today.

Guy took Sunny out to the country to see his mother (Grandma) and her husband (Pawpaw). By the way, I'm not allowed to use the word "stepfather" because Pawpaw is actually a few years younger than Guy. This is a rule Guy always insists on, although I've never seen an age exclusion clause in any dictionary under the word "stepfather". Pawpaw has a shed in back of Grandma's house with a Harley-Davidson and a four-wheeler/ATV, which he let Sunny ride with him... yikes. Pawpaw isn't very mature and I think he only just barely counts as adult supervision. Sunny definitely had a lot of fun, though.

Meanwhile, I had a quiet day with my own mother. We went to a Korean restaurant on Buford Highway for brunch. I bought her a sewing machine for Mother's Day and we did some sewing together at her house, then I took a long nap, which I really needed. We talked a little bit about her mother, my own Nana, who died of emphysema 15 years ago.

Later on, we came back home, and Sunny spent most of the rest of the day playing outside with his friends. His behavior recently has been great. He hasn't had any violent fits or name-calling for almost two weeks now. He's given me several little presents for Mother's Day... what a sweetheart.

We talked to Sunny's foster mom in the morning. She has two new placements, a newborn baby girl and a 10-year-old girl. BB is doing very well and has been working on his crawling technique. Right now he can only crawl to the right, not the left, so if he crawls around the edge of the playpen and hits an obstacle, he yells until someone comes along and moves him back to the right spot so he can start again.

I did feel a little sad that he's growing up so fast. Even if he's placed with us soon, I won't get to carry him around for very long. Just a little sad though... it's a weird kind of limbo, but I'm used to it and I don't dwell on it much.

I steeled myself for the most difficult part of the day, which is talking to Sunny's bio grandma. It's just that she often says things that I don't feel confident about responding to. For example, every time we talk, she tells me how Sunny's mother's last wish is that we would adopt BB. Since we talk to her every one to two weeks I've heard this a lot, and every time I say a few sympathetic words, but really, it's hard to know what to say.

She told me that her day had been very rough... until she talked to Sunny, and then she felt much better.

Her own mother, Sunny's great-grandmother, has dementia and emphysema, and it looks like she's stopped eating and is going to die soon. I know what that's going to be like because that's how my own grandmother went. It's a hard way. Her brother lives close by, but it's going to be her job to handle the end. That sounds awfully familiar. It's so often that the men in a family don't have the strength when it really counts. I hate to be bitter, I've just seen and heard it happen way too many times.

She told me she made a wreath this morning and went to her daughter's grave and sat and talked to her for a long time.

She hasn't been sleeping well because of the stress. She says she won't take any medication, but when she feels really down, she talks to the parish priest.

We did have some lighter moments during the call. She told me all about the kinds of vegetables Sunny's mom would and wouldn't eat, and we compared them to Sunny's own vegetable ranking. She told me how her children always hated to crawl and how they liked to spend only a few weeks crawling before they started walking and running.

Like I posted yesterday, I feel very privileged today. I also feel aware of all the missing mothers and all those missing their mothers.

About to Talk to BB's Dad - Any advice?

THE RECAP:

I met Sunny's first worker at Sunny's mother's funeral in August. She became BB (Baby Brother's) worker soon after that. Since the funeral, I have had no contact with her. We've just been waiting, waiting, waiting to hear of any word on BB's case.

BB's grandmother has been very supportive of us adopting BB. She tells me again and again that Mommy ___ wanted BB to go live with his brother and us if anything happened to her. In fact, every time I talk to her on the phone, she tells me the same story about her daughter's dying wish, and starts choking up and crying a bit.

I don't handle conversations like this well... at least I don't think I do. I get very uncomfortable and don't know what to say. This is a big reason I'm bringing my mother with me on this visit. My mother always knows what to say. Her emotional IQ is at supergenius level.

I have been hoping to talk to BB's worker for a while. Everything I hear of the case comes secondhand, from BB's grandmother or foster mom. For example, BB's grandmother told me that BB's dad said that maybe his mother could take care of BB. Then she said she investigated and had a background check run on BB's other grandmother. According to the investigation, she would not be a good candidate, and was neither able nor probably willing, especially since BB's dad already had other kids that he wasn't taking care of, and neither was she.

When Sunny's mom died, BB was in limbo. His dad had the right to raise him, but he equivocated. He didn't come to the funeral and never went to visit his child. His relatives had a say in what would happen to him, so Sunny's grandmother asked that he be placed with Sunny's old foster mom, which is what happened. Sunny's foster mom already had a baby placement, but she was willing to take BB as well because of the special circumstances.

Seven months later, the state is about to file for permanent custody. BB's dad needs to make his decision. Today, he met his child for the first time.

That's what BB's caseworker just told me.

We have no legal standing at this point, of course. But if BB's dad decides not take care of BB, and if his close blood relatives don't make a vigorous case, we're the default.

My position throughout this is to say that yes, of course we want BB. I really had no expectations of adopting a baby going into all this, but we're willing to do it because it would be important to keep Sunny and BB together, and because their mother wanted that.

NOW:

BB's caseworker told me that BB's dad would like to talk to us. He's still making up his mind. She's not happy that it's taken him seven months to get to this point, but also says that he's exhibiting more care and concern than many other parents she's worked with in the system.

I know basically what I'm going to say to him. I'm not going to tell him "this is right" or "this is wrong". He has to make his own decision; we can tell him how we'll act according to that decision. If he signs away his rights and lets us adopt BB, we'd be willing to have the same openness we have now with Sunny's grandmother. Calls/emails/pictures, plus a visit once a year. And if he decides to raise BB, we would hope that he does a similar thing and encourages the brothers to keep in touch and have a relationship even though they live apart.

Sunny's grandmother says he's a marijuana dealer. I know his first name, and his race (black). That's all I know. I'm not going to make any hasty judgments. It's not impossible for people to pull their lives together quickly. But it is kind of improbable.

The worst case is if he decides to raise BB, starts the process... then backs out and stops visiting or won't take care of BB. BB would get shuttled around, leading to the same kind of baseline anxiety that has plagued Sunny's life.

I'll be calling him tonight or tomorrow night. First I'll call BB's foster mom and ask her input, and I'll also talk to Sunny's grandmother again.

My mother, Sunny and I are leaving for his birth state visit in a few days. We might be visiting with BB's dad as well, now.

Got any advice for me? This is kind of nerve-wracking.

Taking Sunny to the Viewing

Ultimately we decided to go to the viewing, but not the funeral. We flew in that morning then flew out the next morning. The travel schedule was grueling, especially since I'm still trying to recover from a nasty cold.

I told Sunny we were going to visit his foster family, see his baby brother, see some of his bio relatives and say goodbye to Mommy ___. "But isn't she dead?" he asked. I told him they were going to have her body in a coffin and it would look like she was sleeping. He could say goodbye to her body if he wanted, or if it was too sad, he didn't have to.

We met his caseworker outside the funeral home. She said she would help us out if there was any tenseness, but she didn't expect there to be any. In fact, everything went well.

However, being a fan of a show like Six Feet Under can give you a warped view of these types of events. I'd forgotten that most embalmings look horrifically unnatural. Mommy ___ looked like she was grimacing in pain, not sleeping. She seemed so much more vibrant and beautiful in the photos.

Sunny circled toward the coffin, looked for a few seconds, then ran back to us. Then he asked us to hold him and walk him to within a few feet of the coffin. He did this a few times, solemnly, then something flipped in his head and he ignored the coffin's existence; from then on, he just interacted with other people and ran around the funeral home laughing and giggling.

There were many of his maternal relatives there. Most of them had taken care of him at some point when he was a baby and a toddler. He remembered them, especially his grandmother, but he didn't go up to them and hug them. He was a bit shy around them and hid behind us until he was used to their presence. He did eventually hug his grandmother. The exception was when he saw his first, original caseworker. As soon as she walked into the door, he yelled her name, ran up to her and flung himself into her arms.

It went a lot better than I expected. I put out of my mind accusing thoughts as to why so many of these relatives hadn't stepped up for him. I just smiled and introduced ourselves. I hugged his grandmother, who was very emotional. She told my husband she wanted us to adopt his baby brother and keep the boys together, and that's what her daughter would have wanted. I got to hold his baby brother. Sunny was very shy around him, but I persuaded him to give his brother a handshake and a delicate baby hug.

We've been telling Sunny that his baby brother might come live with us. We'll know more soon. The baby is staying with maternal relatives for now, but is under state custody.

Sunny asked to leave after about 20 minutes. We stayed just a little longer, some of it outside the funeral home going over stuff with his current caseworker. There's an added layer of complication surrounding his (and his baby brother's) biological father. I can't say anything good about him, so for now I won't say anything at all.

Later on we went to visit his foster family. A non-adopted foster sister that Sunny was very close to had moved on, back to her mother, and his foster mom thinks they'll probably never see or hear from her again. But they had two new placements as well. Sunny had a fantastic time there. For him, it probably felt like the real purpose of the visit.

We went to see our family therapist about all this. I'd liked him on our first visit, but I'm changing my mind after this second time. He doesn't seem to engage with Sunny very much, he spent too much time congratulating us for being smart parents, and he said "kids that age have no concept of death". What? Of course he does! Before this happened Sunny had been asking all kinds of curious questions about death. I think we may need to find a new therapist, even if we have to pay for it.

I'm still recovering, physically and emotionally. I'm starting to look up some stuff about babies. But I don't want to hope for anything and have it fall through. And my feelings about having a baby are complicated. I know a lot of people would be overjoyed at the prospect, but we started off with older child adoption because that's what we really wanted... I don't dislike babies at all, I just find older kids a lot more fun to be around. Plus, they go to school! For his brother, we'd have to work out daycare or a PT nanny or an au pair, and since he isn't qualified as special needs, we wouldn't get any subsidy checks and it would mean a big change for some important financial goals.

I really do hope it happens, though. For both brothers, it would be so good to grow up together. We'll see.

I got about 15 minutes of video footage of the viewing and his foster family visit. I think that's going to be important to Sunny when he gets older, whether or not his brother comes to live with us.

Telling

Sunny's a very talkative kid. Last night we called his foster family. He asked to speak with five or six of the other kids. Each time he said, "Guess what? Mommy ___ died. She was sick then she got better, then she got very sick and then she died." Pause. "So what are you doing?"

I'm pretty sure he's going to say the same thing to his friends in school today. Telling him to be quiet would be going against his nature. I just had a talk with him and reminded him that most other kids only have one mother, so they might get confused when they heard him talk about Mommy ___ dying, so he might want to tell them that his Georgia Mommy is doing fine. If they tell him he can't have more than one mother, they're wrong.

Sunny's stubbornness can be infuriating, but it makes him resistant to peer pressure.
A few days ago Sunny complained about his friend telling him he "was a girl" because he liked Dora the Explorer. And wasn't that crazy? We told him that yes, his friend was definitely wrong. Why, if his friend was right, any girl that liked a boy was a boy, and any boy that liked a girl was a girl, and that would just be completely nuts!

I had to tell his teacher this morning about what happened. I wanted to clear up any potential confusion. I don't want anyone to accuse Sunny of lying or being crazy. As I've mentioned before, people seem to assume I'm Sunny's biological mom... I've never had a single person ask me if he was adopted so far. I told his teacher about Sunny's situation, and said that he might be telling a lot of other kids today that his Mommy ___ died. She asked if the death was expected, and I said, sort of... that she had been very sick.

Right now I'm leaning in the direction of going to visit, but not attending the full funeral.

Sunny's Reaction

After school, my husband took him out for pizza as a special treat. When he got home we had the talk. We all sat down on the floor. I reminded him that he would always have Mommy __ in his heart. I told him a very sad thing just happened. I reminded him she'd been very sick. She got better for a while but then she got sick again, and she died this morning. I said that according to his foster mom, Mommy __ is an angel in Heaven now. It's not my belief, but it's the one he's most familiar with. Then I reminded him that Mommy __ loved him very much.

Sunny hung his head and seemed to just... deflate. He needed a lot of hugging from us but he didn't cry, even though we told him it was okay to. My dad came in, and he told my dad, "Ojiichan, I have some very sad news, Mommy __ just died."

I said again that she was very sick and that there was nothing anyone could do... sometimes people just get sick and they don't get better. Then I said there was some happy news too: he had a little brother. We hope his little brother can come live with us, but whether he does or not, he just gained another person in his family. Sunny asked if his grandmother there was OK (I've read that children that age feel death is contagious). We went through all the people he knew back in his home state and I told him they were OK. We went through all the people he still had, including me and Guy and the dog. He was smiling and laughing at that point. Then he asked to go out and ride his bike with dad.

Still deciding about the funeral.

Does Anyone Have Advice For Me - Sunny's Mother Has Just Passed

I'm a bit numb right now.

About once a week or so, Sunny would say sadly, "I'm never going to see Mommy __ again". I told him it was natural to miss her, then tried to cheer him up by saying that she would always be in his heart. Then I'd ask him if he wanted to write her a card. He usually didn't; the concept was a bit too abstract. I was just about to send her my second packet: a letter describing his back to school experience, some pictures and a signed card from Sunny. I'd planned on writing letters every 2-3 months for a year, then as long as she sounded healthy, having phone calls. And then in the future, maybe when he was ten or so, when we went to visit his foster mom we could visit with her too...

Now I'm quietly mourning a woman I've never met.

I got the news from his ex-worker this morning.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to go to the funeral. It might be something that would be really good for him, in the long run. He could also see his foster mother again. On the other hand, maybe it would traumatize him too much. The funeral would almost certainly be open casket. He's been living with us for less than three months. It also means exposing him to the same relatives that rejected him because of the color of his skin. His foster mom thinks he shouldn't be taken. His ex-worker thinks he should. It's all up to us.

And she'd also just had a baby. Same father as Sunny. The worker asked, and I told her we'd adopt the baby if that's what it came to. I don't look at that as a bad thing or good thing, it's just one of the responsibilities we signed up for when they matched us with Sunny. The worker said that's what the mother would have wanted. As far as I'm concerned, if it happens it happens.

The only decision is the funeral... oh man.