Another Transition

We're moving this week, so posting is going to be light.

Sunny has known for months that we're going to move. I think he's as sold on the idea as he's going to get. He's seen the new house, he knows what's involved, what's going to be different and what's going to stay the same. He did ask me last week, "will we still have the same cars when we move?" I told him we would not only have the same cars, but also the same clothes and the same beds and the same books and DVDs.

The new house is going to be bigger, closer to his day camp, closer to my mother's (we eat dinner there almost every other night) and is in a quieter neighborhood with more small kids around.

It's still a big transition. I'm predicting his anxiety level is going to go way up for a couple weeks.

Self-Censorship

In real life, I curse a lot. I also have a dark sense of humor. I'm so used to censoring myself that most people I know professionally probably think I'm quite humorless.

Yesterday when we were driving down the street we saw a fire truck parked by the side of the street. Sunny, who has a creative explanation for everything, said he thought the fire truck was washing off a telephone pole that had gotten dirty from a fire. I offered an alternate explanation: "it's probably blasting a kitten out of the tree with a firehose." My husband and I starting laughing. Sunny said, "MOM! DAD! Don't laugh! It's not funny! THE KITTEN COULD GET HURT!"

I apologized. I need to watch myself a bit more carefully!

My own dad is always saying stuff like that. In fact, he calls our dog "Hot Dog" and threatens to cook and eat him every time the dog wanders into our kitchen. The joke stopped being funny about four years ago... we just ignore it nowadays.

Speaking of Ojiichan, he should be visiting soon. He can't wait to meet Sunny!

Speaking of our dog, he still hasn't fully accepted Sunny. He won't run to Sunny for comfort. But sometimes on the couch, he'll sneak up behind Sunny and lick his ear.

Medication Decision Matrix

Based on what we know from the previous therapist and psychiatrist, plus Sunny's foster mom, and in the absence of input from the new therapist and psychiatrist, here's what we're looking at.

Possible effects of taking Sunny off medication:

Mood/Attention Span	Negative	Positive
Negative	Increase in mood swings and tantrums, decreased attention span	Increase in mood swings and tantrums, increased attention span
Neutral (I think "Positive" would be unrealistic)	No change in mood swings, decreased attention span	No change in mood swings, increased attention span

So far he's not showing any short-term side effects that would also feed into the decision.

I don't think we can make this decision -- which I obsess over endlessly, far in advance -- based on what's easiest for us as parents. The number one factor is going to be school. Right now, he doesn't even need an IEP. He was on one for pre-K and K, but they said that by the end of the school year, he didn't need it anymore.

I really want to give Sunny the maximum opportunity for academic success. My cousin with severe ADHD was separated from the rest of his school and practically ignored for almost a decade. The effect on his self-esteem was devastating. He's unemployed now and living at home. I've got a lot of hope for him… once he hits his late 20s, his brain is finally going to be mature enough so that he can really start harnessing his talents. But he certainly had a rocky start.

Somwhat Inappropriate Sing-Alongs (on a Lighter Note)

A commenter on my post yesterday reminded me of another backwards counting song that starts "five little monkeys". I'm actually very familiar with the Wiggles Aussie version (Sunny LOVES the Wiggles):

Five little joeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Called up the doctor, doctor said
"No more joeys jumping on the bed!"

The first time I heard that Wiggles song a few weeks ago, I was instantly reminded of the shortening bread song. I remember this song very strongly from my childhood, I just don't remember from where. I think the five little monkeys/joeys song is based off of that one, because the tune is almost exactly the same. Here's how I remember the song:

Three little children, lyin' in bed
Two were sick and the other 'most dead
Sent for the doctor and the doctor said,
"Give those children some short'nin' bread."

Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin',
Mama's little baby loves short'nin' bread,
Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin',
Mama's little baby loves short'nin' bread.

I was curious and did a quick search. The original has a fascinating background!

It's been covered by such various artists as Paul Robeson, The Andrews Sisters, The Beach Boys and The Cramps.

The Social Justice Plus Illicit Sex Version, Appalachian Style
Wikipedia Entry

A Foster Parent in Need

Nothing much I can add...

Peoria:
Foster mother being sued after fatal fire and
Fire victim overcome by show of support

Valerie Edwards didn't feel her skin burning the morning her house was engulfed in flames.

She was determined to save her foster child, who was trapped in her crib upstairs.

"It was a blaze," said Edwards, who repeatedly entered her burning house the morning of Dec. 26 in an attempt to save 11-month-old Anariah West. "I ran out of the house, got some air, then went back in. All I was seeing in my head was that baby."

Firefighters eventually rescued the infant, but she died later that day of smoke inhalation.

Edwards, 50, suffered third-degree burns and was in a coma for about five weeks. Her house, 821 W. Spring Hollow, was destroyed in the fire, and she is facing nearly $1 million in medical bills, having been through several surgeries and only needing more. Full of pain, both physically and emotionally, Edwards didn't think it could get any worse.

Then last month, Edwards received a letter that she is being sued by Anariah's mother, Tanesha West, who is claiming damages in excess of $50,000 for the wrongful death of her baby.

Edwards and her husband had custody of Anariah and were hoping to adopt her, though Tanesha West was hoping to regain custody at an upcoming court hearing. The couple had adopted West's three other children two years ago, but they were staying with another relative at the time of the fire.

Tanesha West didn't return phone calls for comment, and her attorney, Peter LaSorsa, said he won't comment on ongoing cases.

"I never did anything to hurt her," Edwards said of Anariah on Tuesday as she sat at a picnic table at Glen Oak Park, tears streaming down her burned face.

Edwards' open wounds were attracting gnats that she struggled to bat away with the one arm she can bend, thanks to surgery that loosened the melted skin around her elbow. She wears sleeveless shirts so her clothes don't stick to her unhealed burns.

"I was pulling her back, and her skin was coming off in my hand," said Edwards' daughter Chevodkia Wade, 27, who escaped the fire through a basement window.

Firefighters were overcome by flames when they first tried to enter Anariah's bedroom from a ladder outside the house. When they finally got to the infant, her face and neck were severely burned, and she didn't have a pulse. She was resuscitated in an ambulance but died later that day of smoke inhalation.

Edwards and the Peoria Fire Department still don't know what caused the blaze.

"The cause was never pinned down by us or the investigators the insurance company brought in," said Peoria Fire Division Chief Emil Steinseifer. "No one could pin it down, so we all just left it undetermined."

The morning of the fire, Edwards woke to the sound of a smoke detector about 1 a.m. She pulled her 9-year-old niece, Jayla Clark, from the couch. Her nephew, Nikko Clark, 19, and her daughter, Khadjah Edwards, 17, also were in the house but escaped unharmed.

Edwards' husband, Elbert, was at work.

"My neighbor called me and told me my house was on fire and my baby was trapped inside," he remembers. "That was the night my world turned upside down. I lost my sanity."

He said he and his wife treated Anariah like she was their own child.

"We know we didn't do anything wrong," he said, remembering coming home from work every day, dropping his bag and going straight to the baby. "We just wanted to give that little girl an opportunity to make something of herself."

The couple is now living in a small house with their five children and two nephews. Elbert Edwards returned to work just three weeks ago, after battling depression and staying home to care for his wife, who had two jobs of her own before the fire.

"We have missed doctor bills, and a couple times, I didn't have gas to go to Springfield for treatment," Valerie Edwards said, though making a point she doesn't want pity. She's just thankful for her family's help doing chores she can't do anymore and also for strangers who approach her and tell her she's in their prayers.

The Edwards are scheduled to appear in court at the end of September, though they know they can't afford an attorney.

"I'm going to have to walk in there and tell them I didn't kill that baby," Valerie Edwards said confidently.

A fund for the Edwards family was set up this morning through Redbrand Credit Union. Donations may be made in person at any of the three local offices: 201 E. Lake. Ave., 820 Mckinley Ave. in Bartonville or 2910 Court St. in Pekin’s Sunset Shopping Plaza. Donations also may be mailed to Redbrand Credit Union, P.O. Box 4128, Bartonville, IL 61607. Please make checks payable to the Edwards Fund.

A Few Stories About Racism and Coming Out of Ignorance

I never gave the song "Ten Little Indians" more than a few seconds of thought in my life.

A few months ago, a Native American adoptive parent I know from the internet complained that her children had been made to sing the song at a camp.

The original version, which I'd never heard, is horrific: the Indians get killed off one by one. But even in the simple counting version, it's obviously objectionable.

I suddenly realized why it was so objectionable. How would I feel if the song was "Ten Little Orientals"?

The other day, Sunny started singing the song in the car. He asked me to help him... he can count up to 100 flawlessly, but counting backwards isn't so easy.

"Sunny, I don't like to sing that song, because I think it's not very nice to the Indians to count them like that." This brought on a little sulk. "But it's just a song!" I offered to help him sing "Ten Little Boys" instead, but the rhythm was totally off, of course. I didn't tell him he couldn't sing it, just that I couldn't help him sing it. I wish I could have been more articulate.

When I was his age, I had a copy of "Little Black Sambo". I loved that book. I empathized with Sambo and his brave defeat of the tigers. As I grew up, I realized why it could be an objectionable and hurtful book. It wasn't the story or the plot; it was the visual representation that tied into a legacy of pain and dehumanization of black people. I'm not ashamed of my younger self for liking it, but I'd never, ever defend it.

I don't criticize Sunny's foster parents here because there's not a lot to criticize. They really are incredible. When people praise Sunny, I take the credit, but I don't deserve it yet, because who he is really comes from his biological parents plus the almost four years he was with his foster parents. They've done such a great job of raising him and loving him and teaching him... except in one area.

And it's not out of malice, it's simply ignorance and not knowing any better. I really believe that.

On one of our visits, we were eating dinner with the family. They were telling me about Sunny's food preferences. They joked that Sunny liked their kind of (white ethnic) food much better than fried chicken and watermelon. Sunny was sitting right next to them at the time.

My skin crawled, but I didn't know what to say. I changed the subject pretty quickly.

I mean, a lot of black people love fried chicken and watermelon. A lot of white people love fried chicken and watermelon. There's nothing WRONG with fried chicken and watermelon. But there's a long painful history of tying those foods to demeaning visual representations of black people. But how am I going to explain this politely without breaking out a slideshow? Arrgh...

His foster parents mean the best, of course. And sometimes I wonder why they decided not to adopt him. They said it's because he's so young and active and they're a lot older. They still take infant placements sometimes, though. And Sunny's special needs aren't that high. They've already adopted several children with FASD, which Sunny definitely doesn't have. One of them is a wonderfully sweet girl, but we were shocked when we found out her age, because she looks and acts about five years younger. I think one reason they didn't mention is that their very, very white social and school environment wasn't the best one for Sunny to grow up in.

It makes my position rather complicated. The only other blogger I know in my situation -- non-black, non-anglo-white parent of a black child -- is Angela at Bumpy Road. She's said before that her daughter's life would be easier if she had black parents, and I understood that logically the first time, but it's sunk in a bit more recently. I can't install pride via the force of a "we" or an "us". I'm focused on doing my best, but I'll have to think hard and take a roundabout path.

Some Natural Consequences, Responsibility, and a Letter

I pooh-poohed natural consequences as too tough at this post, but when we find them, they really do work. A couple examples:

Door-slamming during a pout, after I told him it was time to put sunscreen on. Then he came back into the living room to make sure I could see him pouting. Then he told me he was ready, and I said, "Sorry, I can't hear you, my ears hurt too much from the door slamming." After repeating this a couple times he apologized and so far hasn't slammed a door again.

A few mornings ago Sunny insisted on putting on a button-up shirt, even though it was a pool day at the day camp, and i told him he should put on a shirt that was easier to take on and off. He was digging in his heels and getting frustrated; so was I. My husband quietly intervened and reminded me to let him try it himself. A minute later Sunny changed to a T-shirt anyway because the buttons were too hard for him to put on, and he was in a good mood about it, too.

Just this morning I was playing a game of Uno with Sunny. He was not in a good mood. Within a few cards, he got upset and went into the beginning part of a fake-cry just because I played a "Draw 2" card. He loves Uno and can be a good player. Sometimes he gets very upset when he's losing (according to my new Bible, this is common for 6-year-olds) but only after we've been playing for a while. We usually just talk him down from it gently, and then keep playing. But getting so upset within a few opening cards is really not good at all. I told him that it was too hard to play Uno with him when he was pouting like that, and put away the cards. He went into a full pout/mini-tantrum (the one that lasts 1-2 minutes). "You're the meanest mom! You always have to break my heart!" Yikes... I just said, "I love you, Sunny, I just don't love that pouting." Then in a few more seconds he was over it, we hugged, and we had fun playing some Legos together instead.

Last week, we gave Sunny a wristwatch with a siren alarm on it. We impressed on him that he was only supposed to use the siren in emergencies, or if he got lost from us in a crowd. He's been incredibly responsible with it... well, he did let it off once at a picnic in the distance, but we pretended not to hear. He loves tinkering with it and telling the time. "THE TIME IS NOW 8:09!!" he'll loudly announce. I think the wristwatch definitely helps him to feel more in control of his environment.

He also spontaneously managed to play by himself (in the same room as us) for about three to five minutes. This is a major milestone.

We finally got our temporary Medicaid card, so we can go ahead and schedule the therapist, psychiatrist, physical and dental appointments.

I'm skeptical about Sunny's tentative bipolar designation. His behavior is often frustrating for us, as new and inexperienced parents, but comparatively speaking, it's quite mild. He has better manners, self-confidence and social skills than many children without a foster care background. He's just very emotionally needy, attention-seeking and has a short attention span.

That being said, I'm prepared for the possibility of being 100% wrong. It will be hard to say until we take him off the medication. We have a lot more control in this area than his foster family did.

I recently got Sunny to select some cards for his bio mom and also a friend of his, and asked him to sign them "Love, Sunny". I copied the card and the letter I wrote before I sent them, and then saved them in his lifebook for later.

I thanked her for working with the social worker to send along the pictures from his early childhood. I gave her some updates on Sunny's activities, such as learning to skateboard and going to a waterpark, and enclosed a couple recent photos. I said he missed his home state but was happy here in Georgia and making new friends. Lastly, I promised to send another update package when he started school in the fall.

In Sunny's understanding, she loves him and would like to be with him, but she was sick and needed to get better. Sunny doesn't feel very attached to her right now; his foster mother was his main parental figure. It was hard even getting him to take time to sign the card. But just because he doesn't feel strongly about her at this moment in time doesn't mean he won't feel strongly in the future. I'm not going to force anything on him; I just want to maintain the connection so that he can reach out when he's ready.

Jeff Yang's Article on Asian Interracial Relationships

I don't talk about this subject very much at this blog.

But I agree 100% with everything Jeff Yang says. His article is incredible. Comprehensive, balanced, thoughtful, persuasive.

If you read some of the comments, you'll see why I don't discuss the subject. There's too much ignorance, and it would wear me down to a nub trying to fight against it.

But read the article.

The Problem with Black-Themed Children's Books

I've discovered a serious problem as I'm searching to buy more. For the stage Sunny's at right now, they're either too negative or not exciting enough.

The ones about African-American history look exciting, but they bring up subjects I don't want to start discussing at this age. I'd rather wait at least a year or two.

The themes of the positive ones are... well... kind of crunchy, for lack of a better word. They would be great if he was already raised on that type of book and used to it. But he's not. He likes Dr. Seuss books, and then he likes things with trucks and spaceships and power rings and monsters and talking animals. It's difficult to get him to read anything else, and I certainly don't want to set up a dynamic where the only books he reads with black characters are the "boring" ones.

I've been doing internet searches and not coming up with a lot.

Here are three so far:
Bear on a Bike: this is below his level, but I think he'll really like the pictures.
I Need a Lunchbox: "A black girl is beginning first grade and getting all sorts of goodies, in particular a lunch box for which her little brother yearns with a single-minded passion. [...] At last, on his sister's first day of school, their father surprises the boy with a spaceship lunch box of his own." I think Sunny could really relate to the story.
Chinye: A West African Folk Tale: This story is very similar to Cinderella; it looks exciting and full of action.

What I'm really looking for is a rhyming picture book of a black truck driver with a talking animal sidekick whose truck can transform into a spaceship to fight monsters. As Sunny says, "that would be AWESOME good!"

White Baby Fever

The story about the Gloucester teen "pregnancy pact" has been burning up the internet. The whole uproar is rather bizarre. It has obviously excited the fevered imagination of some people desperate for a certain kind of baby.

From a Soapbox Opinion/Solicitation at the Gloucester Times

New life is a wonderful thing, but raising a child requires, in most cases, more than a high school student can handle.

I am writing from a town outside of Chicago in hopes that any of these children, having children, might understand how hard life is, without adding to their challenges, and offer their children up for adoptions. As a happily married couple without children, my husband and I would be honored to raise any of these newborn children in a stable, loving environment — as many other couples would, too.

[...]

Giving up your child for adoption is a courageous, noble and wise deicision. Contact a service in your area, or me at __@___ .

Good luck in whatever decision you make. The gift of new life is a treasure.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Email to Hank Johnson on Foster Care

(Sent via the Write Your Representative Form)

Hello,

I am writing to ask you to cosponsor the Fostering Connections to Success Act (H.R. 6307). As the adoptive mother of a child from the foster care system, I believe that much needs to be done to improve the situation of children in foster care. Children desperately need as much permanency and stability as possible, whether this is through reunification or adoption or guardianship or support for independent living.

According to NACAC, the North American Council on Adoptable Children, the Act will have many benefits. I am quoting their blog here:

"On Jun 19, Representative Jim McDermott (D-WA) and Representative Jerry Weller (R-IL) introduced the bi-partisan Fostering Connections to Success Act (H.R. 6307), which would promote permanency for foster children in several ways:

• Reauthorize and expand the adoption incentive program (due to expire in September), which rewards states for increasing adoptions from foster care

• Enable states to receive federal Title IV-E funds for subsidized guardianship payments made on behalf of children who leave foster care permanently to live with relatives

• Extend, at state option, adoption assistance and foster care maintenance up to age 21

• Promote the adoption tax credit, encourage placement of brothers and sisters together, and seek more educational and health continuity for foster youth

• Provide tribes with direct access to Title IV-E funding to help children and families in their care

• Expand access to Title IV-E training funds

As Representative McDermott explains, "I'm pleased to say that Jerry Weller and I have put together a bill on a bi-partisan basis whose only goal is improving the lives of foster kids," McDermott said. "... This bill provides real help for children in foster care, especially those now pushed out of the system on their 18th birthday and those who want to live with relatives."

NACAC is delighted to see this bill that will enable states and tribes to better serve foster children. In particular, the subsidized guardianship option could enable as many as 15,000 children living in foster care with relatives to leave foster care and live permanently with supported relatives. Currently, relatives who become legal guardians to care for foster children permanently cannot receive the continuing financial assistance they need to help provide for the children they are raising.

The direct funding for tribes is also long overdue. Although the Indian Child Welfare Act rightly gave tribes responsibility for tribal children in foster care, it did not provide funding. To access federal Title IV-E funding, tribes must contract with the state to receive support for children and families. It's a simple matter of justice that tribes should have access to funds to meet their legislated responsibility."

Loving and Defiant

I'm reading a book right now called Your 6-Year-Old: Loving and Defiant. So far, it's great. It's describing a lot of Sunny's behavior, and even seems to be quoting directly from him! I think this is going to be a great resource to understand how he's processing his new environment.

Here's an example of defiant behavior that's also pretty funny. It shows how imaginative he is.

(After telling him he has to go to the bathroom before he goes to bed, and yes, he has to do this every night, because everyone has to do that, even adults)

"You always have to tell me what to do! You tell me what to do EVERY DAY! And it hurts my feelings when you tell me what to do!"
"But that's what parents do. Mommy ___ used to tell you what to do, and now we tell you what to do. We're only doing it because we love you, because kids need adults to help take care of them."
"Not all parents tell their kids what to do!"
"Oh really? What parents?"
"There are some parents in MEXICO that don't tell their kids what to do!"

I had a great talk with some other parents from my agency (no laissez-faire Mexicans among them, though). One woman was recently placed with a brother and sister almost the same age, and she'd adopted a younger child five years ago... so now she has three eighth-graders. They all get along well and are really nice, well-behaved young people. She says shopping for clothes is a piece of cake. One of them might be babysitting for us later on, after we get through the 100% attention stage with Sunny. They all got certified in CPR in order to qualify for more babysitting jobs.

Another one was Mr. Single Dad with his son, placed about nine months ago, and then a couple from our same training class now have a placement of a sibling group of three. Many of us had great experiences with foster parents, but they didn't. They said their kids' foster mom was rather hands-off and used to keep the kids pacified with huge baskets of Easter candy. Once they realized the baskets wouldn't be forthcoming in their new home, they rioted! Now they've calmed down a lot.

We shared some funny parenting stories, like Sunny's Mexican parents remark. Or the time earlier today, when he informed us that credit cards were made at a factory where they took regular money and ran it through a "flatter" machine that squeezed it into credit card form.

Talking to the woman with the eighth-graders also made me more confident about contact with Sunny's bio mom. That woman restored contact with her childrens' mothers. They are both "still wrapped up in the street life" but she says she's become a mentor to them. I don't know if I can go that far -- that woman is preternaturally calm and commands instant respect; I'm just not as socially skilled. But the benefits of contact are clear. I tried to get Sunny to write a letter, just dictating me a few sentences, but he doesn't have the attention span. He says he wants to, but keeps putting it off. I think it'll be better to just get a card and have him sign it, then enclose an update letter and photo.

It's great to have social occasions where your kind of parenting issues are just baseline normal. At any other kind of gathering, I wouldn't want to go into much detail, because I wouldn't want Sunny to be prejudged and pathologized. But with these other parents, we've already shared so much personal history and raw emotional stuff in our training classes... there's more security.

By the way, I've actually been writing this post over the course of five hours, in between cooking dinner, cleaning and playing with Sunny. I'll get back to reading the book soon.

The gist of it so far is that six-year-olds are beginning to center their world around themselves. Before, the world was centered more around their parents or caregivers. They crave independence, but they're deeply ambiguous about it, because more independence means more separation, and more separation might mean less love. They don't know how much independence they really want, so they keep pushing and pulling. The author says to expect emotional storms that start to die down as seven approaches.

Sunny's emotional storms are extra strong because he's not just testing the boundaries of his own independence: he's testing the boundaries of a whole new family.

The easy part is that they're blowing over quickly. They're as short as five seconds, averaging about twenty seconds, topping out at ten minutes. We can look at each one as an opportunity to prove the stability of his new environment.

The hard part is that he needs our presence so much, after so many other people in his life have gone away, that it's hard to prove his independence by doing things on his own. He can't go off on his own or play by himself because he needs us watching him and being with him constantly. Thank goodness, his need for validation/attention is unfocused enough that he can also fill it using attention from other people, like kids or teachers at the day camp.

We have to work hard at giving him opportunities and saying things like "you get to pick" or "it's up to you" or "it's your job".

I'm imagining that kids with foster care backgrounds are all over the map when it comes to this six-year-old phase. The ones who were parentified must have been forced into independence way too early.

The wonderful part is that Sunny is so vocal about what he wants and needs. He's operating right at the top capacity of his emotional intelligence. He says "hug!" or "kiss!" when he needs a hug or a kiss. He talks about the people he misses. He says "I love you" to us, not in a routine or forced way, but randomly, when he feels like it.

What About Race?

Considering how much I blog about race, I guess this post comes a bit late.

We're not doing much in this area right now.

My biggest fear was that Sunny might possibly have developed a fear or aversion to other black people. His entire foster family and his biological mother's family are all white, his therapist was white, all the other kids in his small school were white. He's only met his black father a few times as a very young child. As far as I can tell, the only other black person he knows from his home town is his caseworker, who worked out of the city center, not very close to Sunny's suburb.

I know he comprehends social differences, at least on a superficial physical level. His foster mom said that when he saw the picture of my niece, he said, "she looks like me!" She's also a shade of caramel-copper color.

Luckily, he seems to have made a great transition into a different environment. His day camp is about 80% black and almost all of the other kids he's associating with (such as his new friend with the games) are also black.

I made a parallel transition at just his age. I went from kindergarten in Japan to first grade in an almost totally white school in America. My family and family language stayed the same, but just about everything else changed. I remember the first couple years as being fine. At that age, I don't think kids easily internalize the message that different equals bad. All the other kids looked different to me, but I just accepted that fact. I wasn't scared of them. It was only when I entered third grade that the really bad times started, when it was made clear to me that the way I looked and the way I talked were very wrong and bad, and I started to develop some major anxiety and defensiveness. And then they started the racial slurs around 5th grade.

Sunny's experience is obviously not going to be the same as mine, but I think some stages are similar. I don't think he got explicit negative messages at his old school. He must be in a blissfully ignorant state when it comes to a lot of the rules of race. And I'd rather not bring it up at this stage if I don't have to. I would have had to if he'd already internalized some aversion, fear and anxiety, but I don't think he has.

At this stage in his life I just have two goals. One, make sure he starts to develop a healthy connection to African-American culture. Two, begin counteracting negative media messages. Living on the east side of Atlanta, goal one is not very difficult. It's also why my experience is very different than many other transracial parents of black children that I read from. For example, hair and African-American girls is a topic I've never spent more than a few minutes thinking about (in logistic terms, that is). I thought that if a girl was placed with us, we'd make plans then. And what's the worst that could happen? Oh no, I messed up the braiding, what an emergency, I guess I'll... I guess I'll... drag my lazy butt to the car and drive three blocks to the braiding place.

Right now, Sunny is developing cultural connections via osmosis from his day camp and from his friends. He has African-American adult role models too, such as his gym teacher, or friends of ours that visit. And when school starts up, I'd also like to put him in a dance class. I think capoeira would be perfect, because he naturally does those kinds of moves all day! If he ends up not liking dance, we'll find some other cultural activity.

I still have worries about roadblocks on the way to goal one (see one of my earlier posts for reasons). But overall, I think for the next couple years we can just let that connection establish and become stable.

Number two -- counteracting negative media or the absence of positive media -- is a lot harder. It's difficult no matter where you live. It's something that can be agonizingly difficult even for black parents living in black environments.

We have several books for him featuring black children, but he has not shown a lot of interest in them. I finally got to read him one last night -- "Bright Eyes, Brown Skin" -- and he liked it. Part of it could be that he's way more into cars and trucks and talking animals than books with other children in them. But I don't want to downplay it either. I'm going to get some more books.

Lunch Success

Sunny was very vocal about wanting me to pack him a lunch for day camp. I wasn't going to in the beginning, since I thought he'd just prefer the free cafeteria lunch. But he says it's "junk food" there and he likes my lunches better! He's always very honest and tells me if he eats the whole lunch or only part of it.

Here's what I cooked him yesterday: a loosely-Afghani-style pilaf dish.

Ingredients:
- 1/3 cup bhasmati rice
- one small carrot
- 1/3 zucchini
- a couple tablespoons of Gimme Lean soy sausage meat
- EarthBalance or butter for frying
- teaspoon of cumin seeds
- paprika
- salt and pepper
- raisins
- crushed nuts (such as cashew)

Directions:
- start rice in rice cooker. 1/3 cup rice to 2/3 cup water and a dash of olive oil works for me, but if you're making a larger amount of rice you need to reduce the water ratio.
- dice carrot and zucchini into tiny pieces. Since Sunny doesn't like zucchini, I disguised it by peeling it first.
- form very small balls with the sausage meat
- over medium-high heat fry up sausage balls, carrot and zucchini, with spices. At the end, throw in the cumin seeds, which only need to fry for half a minute (longer and they'll burn and lose some flavor).
- throw cooked rice into pan, mix together with fried ingredients, turn the heat off, mix with nuts and raisins, put into lunchbox.

He told us it was yummy and he ate all of it except for a little bit. The "little bit" was more like two rice grains. If I was eating this dish I would have flavored it more strongly, with garlic and onions and ancho chile powder, but I'm sticking with the spices and ingredients I know Sunny likes. He is crazy for paprika... go figure!

Today I made him some pasta, also with carrot and zucchini, and tomorrow I think I'll make him something quicker, like a meatball sub. We've been using a lot of the Gimme Lean. I'm not a vegetarian, but it's healthy, we all really like the taste, it cooks quickly and keeps in the fridge for a long time.

Sunny and His Friends

A few days ago my husband took Sunny to his Nana's house. He warned Sunny, "your friend might not be home" and asked him to try not to be upset if his friend wasn't home. Unfortunately, he wasn't home, and Sunny had another crying fit.

That was a bit frustrating. But the other day, we had a really positive development! His friend was home this time. We decided to let them play video games for half an hour. But when I walked across the street to pick Sunny up, I heard a lot of shouting from the backyard. I asked their relative what was going on, and she said they got bored of playing video games and were playing out in the yard instead. Yay! I let them play for another half an hour.

I think this is going to be great for Sunny's friend. His mother told me she is worried about him socially... the only other boy in the neighborhood is much older, and she thought that he'd only came by to play video games in their basement, and wouldn't really interact with her son.

Sunny also really likes his cousin, my niece. She's only a year older than him. Maybe we'll set up a sleepover at some point.

The way my sister-in-law raises my niece is opposite from a lot of our views on parenting (my 6-year-old would not be allowed to watch Bride of Chucky or play "Scarface") but I'm never judgmental in front of her. After all, my niece is a sweet little kid and is very loved. She said about Sunny, "he's cute!"

Other kids like following Sunny around because he's so dramatic. He does everything with a flourish, a leap and a yell.

Reponse to mijk

Mijk asks, "what the hell is voter registration?"

For non-U.S.ians, the voter registration system must be a really messy and confusing thing. The basic principles are that voter registration evolved as a system to make sure only the right people voted. The right people used to be white men with property. The property definition was relaxed over the last centuries, although it went through periods of tightening. For example, literacy requirements excluded a lot of poor people who never learned to read.

Black people were briefly enfranchised (given the right to vote) after the Civil War, but restrictions were quickly put into place to keep them from voting. Women, white and African-American, legally won the right to vote in 1920, but in practical terms African-Americans were still barred from voting. Asian-Americans, Mexican-Americans and Native Americans fell under a complicated maze of laws that barred them from full citizenship and voting until the mid-20th century.

Full timeline: http://www.peaceworkmagazine.org/pwork/0410/041005.htm

Unfortunately, the voter registration remains as an informal mechanism to make sure that more of the "right people" vote.

I already listed some of the racial differences in rates. Here are the class ones.

National Low Income Housing Coalition
However, census data confirms that low income voters are registered and vote at lower rates than higher-income citizens. While 82% of people with incomes of over $75,000 were registered to vote in 2000 and 75% of those registered actually voted, just 59% of people with incomes between $10,000 and $14,999 were registered, and only 44% of those registered actually voted.

Low income people face several challenges to voting: less-flexible jobs that may not allow time off for voting, transportation impediments that may make getting to the polls more difficult, and a greater likelihood of misinformation about their rights as voters that may make people shy away from voting. People experiencing homelessness, ex-felons, and survivors of the 2005 hurricanes may face especially tough barriers to voting.

Response to Kit

I have just begun reading the Keeping it Trill blog, which looks fascinating!

I'd like to respond to the comment Kit left here.

I'll take the comment in the helpful spirit it was given. But I want to give some more context and also raise another issue.

First of all, the Spiderman website doesn't show 30-minute Spiderman cartoons. What Sunny was clicking on was an Iron Man webgame. I didn't want to spend too much time on the site because the possibility he'd click ahead to something too violent was escalating. Second, he doesn't have enough attention span to watch a 30-minute show. He can watch up to 20 minutes of a show only if I'm sitting next to him also engaging him in an activity such as coloring or stickering.

I don't think that having video games limited is going to mean he ends up with a label of ODD! That's a rather dire warning.

We've visited his foster home over two different weekends and talked to his foster mom quite a bit. We know her house rules, and our rules, to a large degree, are extensions of her rules. For video games, they're about the same. Sunny was not allowed to play them during the weekday and his times during the weekend were strictly regulated.

When it comes to television, our rules are a little bit stricter. I don't like the fact that he was watching so many commercials... one of the first nights he was here he started singing the freecreditreport-dot-com song! It was incredibly cute, but still. So he can only watch PBS Kids shows with no commercials, or certain recorded Nick Kids or Disney shows where I fast-forward the commercials.

When it comes to morning times, we're not as strict. Her house was run like an army, because she had an army of kids. Sunny was always the first awake (he's definitely a morning person) and was told many times he had to stay in his room until the others were up, which often frustrated him. At our house, he gets up when he hears us get up. We give him showers at night so in the morning his routine is pretty simple, and has plenty of time for watching PBS Kids or watching or helping me cook, or coloring.

As an only child, he's now getting a lot more attention than he's getting in his foster home. That's what he needs, more than anything else.

I just would need a whooooole lot more convincing by someone who knew Sunny before I let him engage in all kinds of pleasure-seeking activities without giving him limits. What would the pay-off really be? Most likely I'd see a lot of restlessness, irritability, further inability to self-amuse. I've seen him in "toy rooms" when he gets overstimulated, and he doesn't look happy or pleased at all. He'll flit from one thing to the next, faster and faster, working himself up, getting angry that this or that toy won't work right, the toy is stupid, he's bad at this, he's stupid because he can't get the stupid toy to work, and so on...

He looks so much happier when he's in some kind of social activity, or when he's using his whole body to do something, like his gym class or skateboarding or just plain couch-wrestling.

And that raises a broader issue. Everything I hear from training and therapists is structure, structure, structure. When kids are thrown into a new environment that's one thing they look to for support. And then that has to be balanced against their need for control over the environment. Sometimes the two things seem diametrically opposed but ideally they shoudl work together.

Right now it's hard to give more control because we don't fully know what Sunny can or can't do, but I think it's happening slowly. He loves helping, and chores, as long as they're short. He couldn't help me water my plants outside, for example... he got bored pretty quickly. But anything involving putting things away or taking them out again, and he's on it! When he says "let me do that!" or "let me help!" my first reaction is to say "No" but I keep reminding myself to say "yes" whenever possible.

He also gets control/limited choices over what activities to do, what books to read, what shows to watch.

Also, about having his old life vanish... I understand that it's impossible for him not to feel that way. But as much as we can, it's been minimized. My caseworker, on her first weekly visit, gave him a friendly reminder that people don't just vanish. He talks to his foster mom every other day on the phone, and we have a weekly webcam chat with her and some of his other foster family members. He knows what's going on in their house very weekend and lets them know how his week has been going.

Structure versus control is definitely something to talk about with a therapist, which is going to happen as soon as we get our Medicaid card and schedule appointments. It's also hard to know exactly how to go ahead because of his medication. I am leaning more and more to tapering him off the medication by the end of the year, but we'll need to wait several months and see how things settle down.

Voter Registration is Scary

Did you know that voter registration drives, like the one I am working for the Obama campaign, are a bad thing? They encourage too many undesirable people to vote!

That's what they're already arguing in Louisiana. I'm sure we'll start seeing mirror complaints in Georgia, because we're essentially doing the same thing: targeting black, Latino and/or low-income areas in order to increase voter registration percentages. The goal -- challenging, but achievable -- is to make Georgia a swing state in the general election.

I am absolutely disgusted with the arguments against voter registration drives. Everyone should automatically be registered anyway, the day they turn 18... our current inefficient, corrupt and racist voter registration system is an international shame, and yet these %^&$*#s dare to complain about people trying to register to vote, even when they follow all the rules of this system!

I'll just mention one of the ways it's so screwed up in Georgia. Recently, it became possible to register to vote at the DMV. But due to a massive computer error, many people who registered at the DMV were dropped from the rolls. The Obama campaign staffers warned us about that. I have personally met several young people who thought they had registered at the DMV, but they were getting worried because they never received their voter registration cards...

NYTimes Article:

Democrats' Vote Drive in Louisiana Stirs Concern
By SHAILA DEWAN
Published: June 15, 2008

A Democratic voter registration drive in largely black neighborhoods of Louisiana has swamped the state's voter registrar offices, forcing them to hire new staff members and work 12-hour days to process thousands of applications.

Buoyed by the popularity of Senator Barack Obama, the drive has raised complaints from registrars about large numbers of duplicate, invalid or incomplete applications, and has led to an investigation by the Louisiana secretary of state, Jay Dardenne, a Republican. Election officials have expressed concern that large numbers of people who believe they are registered will show up at the polls in November, only to find that they cannot vote because their application had been improperly submitted. [Fix your systems then! You are not worried about them not being able to vote, you just don't want them showing up to the polls at all!]

Much of the enthusiasm, and some of the chaos, may be repeated in the months to come in other states where Democrats and liberal groups are planning similar drives in an effort to change the demographics of the electorate. Nationally, 39 percent of eligible blacks and 46 percent of eligible Latinos are not registered to vote, compared with 29 percent of eligible whites, according to a 2006 study by Project Vote, a nonpartisan group that promotes voting in low-income and minority communities. [Very telling statistics. There are a lot of historic AND contemporary reasons that produce these numbers. I only wish they had included Asian-American and Native-American numbers as well. According to APIAVote, "Among minority youth groups, APIA youth have the lowest rates of voter registration".]

Project Vote and Acorn, a left-wing national organizing group, have teamed up to conduct large voter drives across the country, with the goal of registering 1.2 million people by Labor Day. They have already submitted 600,000 applications, said Michael Slater, the deputy director of Project Vote. Acorn is among several groups registering voters in Louisiana. The Obama campaign itself has announced a 50-state registration drive known as "Vote for Change."

It remains unclear whether election officials will be prepared to handle more registrations and the potential for overwhelming turnout on Election Day, Mr. Slater said. "Party politics is driving up registration at unusually high rates," he said.

He added that it was too soon to tell how much of the gap between black and white registration had closed before the primaries, which produced record turnouts in many states.

Democratic officials said the Louisiana drive, which was called Voting is Power, had produced 74,000 applications by the time it concluded last week. Registrars in the four main parishes where the drive operated report numbers closer to 50,000, but there is no breakdown of how many were submitted to other parishes.

Registrars have reported that as many as a third of the applications cannot be entered into the system, and many of the rest require more information. The state Republican Party called the operation "the Dems' phony registration drive."

Democrats say the burden is on the registrars to double-check and verify application information. [Exactly!]

"Instead of throwing up complaints, they should be working to get as many people as possible registered," said Matthew Miller, a spokesman for the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee in Washington, which paid for the drive because Senator Mary Landrieu, a Democrat, is up for re-election and her voter base in New Orleans was eroded by Hurricane Katrina.

Michael Slater, the deputy director of Project Vote, said high numbers of incomplete applications were not unusual in such drives. He said as a rule of thumb, 35 percent of voter drive applications were new voters, 35 percent were change of address, and 30 percent were duplicates or incomplete.

In Louisiana, voting drive canvassers are required by law to submit the applications they collect, even if they are obvious pranks, like two cards in Shreveport that listed George Bush as the name of the applicant and 1600 Pennsylvania Drive as the address.

But Jacques Berry, a spokesman for the secretary of state, said canvassers should be "educated enough to not leave the house until the card is in order."

John Maginnis, a political analyst in Baton Rouge, pointed out that the federal motor-voter law, which allows people to register when they get a driver's license, had already raised registration to near-saturation levels. The key to winning the election, he said, will rest more on turnout than registration.

"You're getting down to people that are just hard-core disengaged," he said. "If you get these voters on the rolls, the question is how many of them are likely voters." [I'm thinking this election is going to break the trend. People are mad, and also scared. Whenever anyone tells us "I don't vote because it doesn't matter" I've been asking, "do you care about the price of gas, or food, or rent, or education? Then you should vote!"]

But Mr. Slater said a component of the motor-voter law designed to reach low-income people who do not drive remained largely unenacted. That provision requires social service agencies to offer people the chance to register. [People who are poor and get social services are not supposed to register to vote, because they might vote the wrong way, and this is why the law has never been enforced]

In Louisiana, the biggest complaints about the drive have come from Republican registrars in Caddo Parish, which includes Shreveport; East Baton Rouge Parish, which includes Baton Rouge; and Jefferson Parish, just outside New Orleans.

The registrar in Jefferson, Dennis A. DiMarco, said that about 35 percent of the 4,000 cards his office had sorted were invalid because they had no address, the applicant was already registered or was a felon, or the signature did not match one on file at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Another group of cards, he said, was missing information that the office hoped could be obtained by mail.

In Caddo, the registrar, Ernie Roberson, said his office had sorted 6,000 cards, of which only about 2,200 had enough information to be entered into the computer. Many of those, he said, had been kicked back because of nonexistent addresses or duplicate registration.

Normally registrars try to correct such problems. But, Mr. Roberson said, "It's hard to send a letter to people whose addresses don't exist in the parish."

"I have one lady, I have five applications on her," he continued. "A lot of people, we'll receive the application and then we'll receive another one with the same name but one day off on their birthday or one digit off on their Social Security number."

The East Baton Rouge registrar, Elaine Lamb, reported that she had received 22,000 cards, of which 13,000 could be added to the rolls.

The registrars expressed concern that many of the invalid cards represented real people who might try to vote. "You'll just have utter bedlam at some of these polls," Mr. Roberson said.

In Orleans Parish the registrar, Sandra Wilson, said she had received more than 19,000 Voting Is Power applications and had problems with only about 400 of them. There are 4,000 to 5,000 that have not yet been sorted.

If the card is missing information but has a phone number, she said, "We immediately call that person and get what we need." [A woman who believes in doing her job! Wonderful!]

Father's Day

Aahh... only a few minutes to blog...

The weekend is a rollercoaster. Sunny's behavior has been extremely mixed. He's happy most of the time but when things don't go his way, he falls into the pit of utmost despair. Then he bounces right back out of the pit, but it's still exhausting to bounce down and up with him.

He had his longest episode yesterday. I told him we could play on the Spiderman website for five minutes. At the end of the five minutes, I closed the website, and he started sobbing and screaming . We never let him do anything. We never give him any minutes to do anything in. We always have to be mean to him and tell him what to do and it really hurts his feelings. And so on... the Spiderman website is continuing to prey on him. This morning, I told him absolutely no more Spiderman website because it upsets him too much. He is going to have to earn it back. Video games are the bane of our existence!

My mother has a next-door neighbor with two nice kids. But the boy Sunny's age is very subdued. My mother says she never sees him outside. I don't think he has any friends and he looks depressed and physically not very fit. All he does is play video games in his basement all day long. His mother told me she can't tell him "no"... the dad is the one who does any disciplining, and the dad is also a video game lover with all three systems in multiple places in their house. I watched Sunny play video games with their son. His mother had to remind him how to be social. As they were playing together Sunny kept up a constant stream of chatter -- "I'm good at this! Watch this! Hey, your turn now! Show me how to do that! Wow, that was awesome! I'm going to die, OHMYGOD!!" -- but the boy hardly said anything. I am actually beginning to think Sunny might be a good influence on him, especially if I can get them outside playing together.

Time to go buy some food for our party now. Sunny and Sunny's Dad are at the skate park. Soooo tiiiired... in the last several years I'd cut myself back to no more than one cup of coffee a day, but that's gone right out the window.

My Dad Has Gone Out of His Mind

My dad hasn't been around due to some important appointments he needs to keep in Japan, but he will be visiting in August. We've been updating him on Sunny.

I was worried he would be too extreme when it comes to food. Sunny is not a picky eater according to his foster family's standards -- after all, he'll eat salad and broccoli -- but he is a very picky eater when it comes to our family's standards.

I don't want to turn it into a battle. At each meal, I cook at least one thing I know he'll eat. Then he gets more of that thing if he eats the rest of his food, or alternately, he'll only get dessert if he tries a few bites of the new food. If he complains, I'll just say, sympathetically, "that's too bad you won't get any dessert then!" If he doesn't eat any of it, I just clear his plate and we finish dinner.

Let me present, as a contrast, the way my dad used to discipline me at the table whenever I stayed with him in Japan.

- "Dad, I really don't like konnyaku, could you leave out the konnyaku chunks on my plate please?"
- "No."
- "Please Dad!"
- "GO TO HELL!"

- "Hold your o-hashi correctly! Your technique is embarrassing!"
- ""
- "You stupid American! GO TO HELL!"

- "Dad, please remember I'm a vegetarian now, so can I have soup without minced lamb please?"
- "It's not lamb, it's mutton!"
- "Well, if you have to put it in the soup, could you please not mince it up so finely, so that I can actually pick the pieces out of the soup?"
- "YOU ARE A HOPELESS STUPID CLUMSY DAUGHTER! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR VEGETABLE STUPIDITY! GO TO THE HELL!"

I hope this goes to explain why I was a bit nervous about having my dad and Sunny at the same dinner table.

Tonight, my father asked me if Sunny was eating well and if I was cooking for him. I told him things were going pretty well, but Sunny didn't eat everything on his plate and he didn't even try his squash. Then my father said:

"Go slow! Be patient!"

My jaw dropped open. Then he asked me if Sunny was in bed. I said yes, his bedtime was 8:30pm.

"Don't be too harsh with him!"

I guess I don't have to worry about Ojiichan yelling at Sunny. But I feel sort of bitter... damn, I wish he could have been that mellow when I was a kid.

A Few Comment Follow-Ups

I'm sorry I can't address everyone's comments... I'm blogging as much as I can, but my
time is obviously somewhat limited!

@Maggie: that makes a lot of sense. I don't want to do anything to turn the bedwetting issue into a capital-I Issue.

@Eos: the store meltdown wasn't too bad. I just had to pull him out of the checkout line for less than a minute. And as I was telling my husband earlier, I am so thankful he's a clinger and not a runner-offer. My little cousin was a runner-offer, and his parents were in a constant state of panic whenever they left the house with him.

@Lena (a few posts back): I appreciate your dissenting opinion, but I still have a very strong antipathy to Bartholet's position. It's not that she's making stuff up. She's looking at the same info that more objective people -- like the ones at NACAC and Evan B. Donaldson -- are looking at. But she's twisting it to suit the narrow interests of upper-middle-class white adoptive parents. In her world, adoptive parents of color might as well be chopped liver.

She also does one thing that absolutely infuriates me.... she exploits the older special needs children in the foster care system in service of an argument that does not really benefit them. Again and again, her argument is that these kids could all get adopted so much quicker if race-matching became absolutely illegal. There is no such silver bullet. I have made a lot of recommendations on this blog about how to increase adoption rates, and I'm really just parroting things I've read on other blogs and forums. The solutions are already out there. But they're complicated and require a lot of funding. Some examples: subsidized home loans for lower-income parents to adopt larger sibling groups; targeted outreach to non-traditional parents with special needs experience; training social workers better and reducing their placement caseloads.

Here's my theory on what would happen if there were a radical "colorblind" approach in the foster care system. White parents would get placed with slightly more black infants and toddlers, predominantly girls, at the expense of black adoptive parents. And that's basically it. The effect on older child adoption would be almost nil.

I hate this kind of exploitation. I've seen it in anti-adoption arguments as well, via the rhetorical question, "why are you adopting an infant from ___ when you could be adopting an older child in the U.S.A.?" Some people do have the right to ask this question... that is, the people who do have a connection to foster care in some form. But often I see that question and wonder, well then, what are YOU doing? Have you fostered or adopted from the system? Are you a social worker? Foster care alumni? Volunteer with kids in the system? Or are you just self-righteously exploiting the existence of these children in order to make a point about infant adoption?

Anyway, Bartholet is definitely a persona non grata in my books. As someone who has been negatively impacted by racism, negatively impacted by race-matching and negatively impacted by the LACK of race-matching (when it comes to Asian kids), I have a fair amount of experience in this area, but I don't appreciate her brand of "help". I believe in racial reform in the foster care adoption system, but my version would work a lot differently.

Sunny Says...

"I shouldn't have to go to day camp. You signed me up for day camp without even asking me for permission. I hate day camp!"

"Guess what, we got to play hockey in day camp. It was awesome!"

"Why do you get twice as much chicken and rice as me? We should all get equal portions!"

"When the teacher asked us what we would do if we were President, I said I would help the world, but my friends said they would destroy the world."

"Goodnight, I love you mom, I love you dad."

Shorter Update

I took Sunny to day camp today. I met up with him there for lunch, and he seemed very sad that I wasn't going to be there with him for the rest of the day, so I cut it short and took him home.

He had a great time in the morning. He told me had made not just one but THREE new friends, and he says the gym teacher is also his friend.

We're going to try for a full day tomorrow and see how he feels at lunch. I think we should be able to transition to a full day by the end of the week.

In the afternoon he was very testy and cranky again. He had a smaller meltdown while we were in a store. But by the end of the day, he had earned enough "no pouting" points to play his Gameboy for 15 minutes... and he gave it up at the end of 15 minutes without complaining.

A funny thing happened when he heard me on the phone making his dentist appointment. "NOOOOO!!!! I don't want to go to the dentist because they rip out all your teeth!" We persuaded him it wouldn't be so bad... he's stubborn, but often responds well to logical arguments.

He skateboarded for almost 30 minutes straight today. His progress in that area is amazing! I didn't witness it, only because I was taking a desperately-needed nap. My husband is pretty happy about it. He used to be a very serious skateboarder when he was younger.

I made a bonehead mistake last night. We try to restrict his liquids at night, since he still wets the bed. I made some Jello for the first time ever, because I wanted to start a tradition of healthy desserts. I was so proud it turned out right that I served him a heaping bowl just before bedtime. The concept that Jello is 99.99% LIQUID quite escaped me. Of course he wet the bed.

We're not going to take any measures about the bed wetting, other than mild liquid restriction and congratulating him for dry nights. It's not worth it right now, and he could grow out of it any time. We've got a good sheet protector system set up.

I've been warning my husband that it could get worse before it gets better. We're now past the length mark of a visit time and edging into unknown territory. Consciously, he knows we're his "home base" now. But he must also be thinking "if I act up then maybe this mom and dad will send me back to my other mom and dad" and this idea must be very attractive when we tell him things like "you can't watch Spongebob now or eat that cupcake or buy that slinkie".

I always had respect for single parents, since I was raised by one, but my respect has increased even more over the last few days. Taking care of a child that cannot be left alone for more than a few seconds is exhausting even working as a tag team.

We heard two new, earth-shattering words tonight, 20 minutes before his scheduled bedtime. "I'm tired". Wow...

Rambling Update

I'm even MORE tired than I was last night, if you (or I) can believe it!

I think Sunny could be in testing mode now. He had a mini-blowup this afternoon because we asked him to put his train set away.

It was dramatic but not terribly severe. He slammed his toys, screwed his face up, moaned, threw his body down as if he was having a heart attack. After a few minutes the worst was over. I asked him to look at me, told him I loved him and I wasn't mad, but the behavior was not acceptable, and we couldn't play with him at all until he stopped, and this meant he lost a circle on his chart. I told him we weren't going away, we just couldn't play with him until he calmed down and apologized.

He did. Later on, after my husband left, he apologized again spontaneously. "I'm sorry I was mean then." Then he said that he was sad because he missed Mommy ___ (foster mom) "and all the good times we had" and wanted to know when he could have a sleepover with her.

I told him that after the summer, we might be able to have a visit and he could spend the night, but definitely we would have a visit before his next birthday. Then I reminded him that the next time he talked with her, he could tell her that he missed her and all the good times they had. We could also talk about those times whenever he wanted to.

Later on, he asked, "Have I been a good boy today?" He's done this before, so we know how to answer. "Of course you're a good boy, we love you and we're always going to be a family. Sometimes your behavior isn't good, but you're always a good boy."

He tried something he must have developed from his play therapy. He'll look very sad and serious, and say, "it really hurts my feelings when you won't play Uno with me."

"When it comes to playtime you have to think about other people's feelings too. And right now I don't feel like playing Uno but we can color in the book together instead."

I feel like the training and reading of other people's blogs are all paying off. Validation of feelings of "complicated loss"? Check. Stopping manipulation by maintaining rules and boundaries? Check. Separation of behavior from person? Check.

I'm not so good at the natural consequences stuff. But I'm skeptical about that system anyway. It sounds awesome in theory, but is fiendishly difficult to apply. For example, Foster Cline gave this example several times in the Love and Logic book: the kid says they don't need a jacket, so you let them go out into the cold Denver morning without their jacket, and voila, they receive a natural consequence. But that's not much help here in the muggy mornings of Georgia! I'm going to save "natural consequences" for big decisions that I can actually spend lots of time thinking about in advance.

I also had lots of chances today to catch him being good. He'll get a circle on his chart, or I'll tell him "pat yourself on the back". The big thing this morning was his R.E. class. He was in a class for an hour with a group of rambunctious kids his own age. I was there too, sitting on the sidelines and helping with some arts and crafts. He was INCREDIBLE. He sat when he was supposed to sit. He paid attention to the teacher reading the story, even as other kids interrupted her to ask questions or to make loud buzzing, screeching and honking noises. At the end of the story, he raised his hand to ask questions. He did not, unlike some other kids, show off his inchworm imitation all across the rug, or stagger around with eyes shut yelling "I'M BLIND" while windmilling his arms. I made a big deal out of how well he behaved in class the whole rest of the day.

I'm torn about putting him into day camp next week. He's happy about the idea. On one hand, with my leave, I have the opportunity for a week of nonstop bonding/attachment, so maybe I should wait until next week for day camp. But Sunny has a complicated set of needs. He's used to constantly being around other kids. His number one fear about moving to be with us is that he wouldn't have any more kids to play with. His foster mother was constantly having to reassure him he'd make new friends. Being around other kids at day camp would do a lot to make this transition easier, as well as helping burn off his energy. The attachment situation seems to be so good, anyway... like I said before, he's clingy, but not fearfully clingy.

I think I'll put him in day camp this week, visit him during lunch and see how he takes it.

As great as his foster home has been for him, they just did not have the resources, in terms of time, to have him doing any kind of organized physical activity at all. We're definitely going to make sure he gets that. My husband is teaching Sunny how to skateboard. I noticed he can practice at the upper limit of his natural attention span -- about ten minutes. This is pretty big! I can see it becoming a successful pursuit. Gym is also in the future (Sunny loves to jump and spin), and soccer, once school starts in the fall.

I've already taken him to a swimming lesson a few days ago. He did well in the first half, not so well in the second half. He was too scared of the deep water, and I had to pull him out to the side of the class, because while the teacher was coaxing him, all the other polliwogs were getting held up.

I told him that next week he wouldn't be quite as scared, and he wouldn't have to do any swim kicks that were too scary. I reminded him that the first time he visited us, he was scared of sliding down the fireman's pole on his playset. But now, he loves sliding down the pole. When you do something little by little you get less scared of it. I think he buys my theory so far; he's not too anxious at the idea of going back to swim class next week. Thank goodness... because whether he likes it or not, he has GOT to learn to swim. He doesn't have to do it right now, and if he's still scared we'll postpone until later, but it has just got to get done. I'm a great natural swimmer, and I think that great swimmers are more frightened for bad swimmers than anyone else is. A friend of mine who couldn't swim almost drowned... he said he was "just splashing around" but ended up in the hospital with his lungs full of saltwater. If Sunny is going to be anywhere near pools or lakes or oceans anytime for the rest of his life, he's in terrible danger unless he learns how to swim. Pardon me for alarmism, but the thought really does terrify me!

Thanks for all the comments on the last post. I really appreciate the feedback and advice. By the way, we bought a game called Cranium Hullabaloo on his first visit, and it's very good. It's recommended for ADHD kids because you play it with your whole body. I have thought about DDR and Wii Fit and so forth, but I want to keep anything video game related to an absolute minimum until I understand his attention span better.

I'm wondering about the connection between physical exertion and emotional stability. So far, it's seemed obvious that tiring him out makes him calmer. But then I noticed how good he was in class this morning, and how cranky he was in the early afternoon after some fairly strenuous exercise. It could be the change of environment as well -- I'm talking massive heat, humidity and polluted Atlanta air. I think we'll just have to wait and observe and see how it goes.

On the food front, today for lunch, Sunny greatly enjoyed a REAL MEXICAN TACO (de pollo) packed with cilantro and onions. He is really expanding his horizons!

The Good, The Bad, What to Do, Where to Go

Here are the last 48 hours...

The Good

Sunny is having a smooth transition. He misses his foster family, of course. We had a webcam with them already and we'll have another one tomorrow. He seems at a loss for what to say, so I'll need to remember to encourage him somehow. We played a game once on the webcam called "Copycat", where you have to mimic the hand motions of the other person... silly little games like that. He also said, "I miss Mommy ___ (bio mom) but we're not allowed to have visits." I told him next week I'll help him write her a letter, and that made him happier.

Sunny stays very, very close to us, but he's confident enough to go off on his own for short periods. Today he splashed in the kiddie pool at a picnic with some other kids, and played soccer with them.

He's laughing and smiling like crazy. He has an infectious smile... when he smiles at random people, I see their faces light up in return.

He's enjoying meeting new people. "So-and-so is nice, I like them!" he'll say.

I helped work voter registration for a few hours while my husband took him on errands. After the errands, the pair stopped by to say hello. Sunny helped me register voters for about five minutes. There was another little girl there, almost as young as Sunny, and she gave him a quick pointer. "Hold up your sign like THIS and say sir-or-maam are-you-registered-to-vote thank-you!"

He's big enough where he likes to do a lot of things on his own, like pushing the shopping cart and putting away his dishes.

He's young enough to cuddle and hug all the time! Sometimes he wants a hug just because he wants a hug, and that's fine with me.

He's very mindful of his routine. At night he reminds me that he needs to have his pull-ups and jammies, he needs his medicine and vitamins, he needs to brush his teeth, and so on. Then he's up bright and early every morning. He asks me "when can I leave my room in the morning? In ____, my mommy says I have to stay in my room until everyone else gets up." I'm telling him 7:00 for now. This morning I woke up at 7am, cooked him breakfast and then did some work in the garden for two hours. I set him up to watch Sesame Street with headphones on so Dad could get some extra sleep.

He likes soy milk now! This is huge. I'm not a vegan or even a vegetarian but I cook with a lot of soy milk and meat substitutes.

He's really great with his new grandma.

He sings to himself in the bathroom. He makes up the songs himself, stuff like "putting on my underwear, putting on my underweeeeeaaaaaar".

The Bad

His regular attention span is about 2-6 minutes. If we stretch it with focus reminders, we can get it to about 12-15. It takes truly heroic measures to get to 25-30.

He simply cannot play by himself. He needs constant attention. It's as if whatever he's doing doesn't matter unless we see him doing it or unless we're doing it with him. The only things he can do by himself are playing on his Gameboy, but we're severely restricting that to 15-30 minutes a day on weekends only, because he gets way too emotional about it. Video games exert an evil fascination on him. The constant visual feedback is like a drug, but he gets more and more upset and starts beating up on himself verbally the longer he's allowed to play them. "I'm terrible at this! I'm terrible! I hate this!" "That's enough playing for now" "But mom, I really really really like this level" (starts pouting and fake-crying)...

That boundless physical energy. He was up at 4:30AM on Friday morning, since his social worker needed to pick him up then for his flight to Atlanta. After the placement ceremony we had a day full of activities including lots of running and jumping and wrestling. We told him his bedtime is 9pm at night on weekends, wondering if he would crash way before then, but he stayed strong the ENTIRE DAY. Our friend said at 7pm, wow he must be very excited today, and we said nope, he's actually like this all the time! We have to tire him out physically to extend his focus. He's more emotionally stable after physical exertion.

I'm already looking at other kids his age and thinking wistfully about the things that Sunny can't do. The little girl at voter registration was there for three hours helping her grandma. She helped register people, and when she got bored she went off in a corner and looked at the ground and daydreamed and did little dances. I was used to spending time by myself at that age as well. I could amuse myself with a piece of string and some rocks. Sunny needs people, shiny things and constant movement. It's always "I want this, I want that, I'm tired of that, I'm bored, let's do this, can I have that, no if I can't have that can I have that instead, let's go, I want that..."

He can't sit still, of course. He'll sit at the dinner table but he'll be constantly slipping on and off his seat. I'm not going to say anything, because I know he's doing very well just to be staying at the table, but I can tell it's disconcerting to other adults.

Eating vegetables and new food is still a bit of a struggle.

What to Do, Where to Go

My mother and husband and I have all read Brenda McCreight's adoption book, so we love using the phrase "but it's only ADHD"! That's some dark humor there, by the way. Seriously, we know about 90% of what we were in for with that. My stepfather probably has ADHD, my cousin certainly has it, my uncle does as well.

His focus is like a muscle... we just have to keep helping him stretch it.

Some things we just have to live with and work around. In the right setting they'll become strengths.

Keep him away from video games as much as possible.

We'll see if behavior charts can reduce the pouting and bargaining when we say "no". We're trying a method where every time he just says "OK" after hearing "No", and doesn't do the ten-second-pout-fake-cry routine, he gets a sticker.

Give him the attention he needs and don't worry about the inability to self-amuse for now. He's missing a lot of people in his life so he needs a lot of presence.

We're putting him in day camp and hoping it will be a right fit. I have second thoughts about the day camp I found now. The academic portion might be too difficult to maintain focus. We'll see. He absolutely needs strenuous physical activity, and if we're the only ones giving it to him, we'll be dead by the time he's a teenager. And we're a fairly young and energetic couple.

Keep realizing his strengths. He's such a great little kid. He trusts us, he trusts himself, he trusts other people. We're off on a fantastic voyage together! And I really feel like I'm not dragging him along, or stumbling behind... instead, we're walking right beside each other, hand in hand.

First Full Day of Placement

Long day... too tired to blog... Sunny is in great spirits!

Conversation with Sunny's Foster Mom

Sunny had gotten mad at his foster mom this weekend, and said "I hate you!"

She simply replied that it wasn't a nice thing to say, and he hurt her feelings. He immediately said, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! Sorry!"

I think that little anecdote sums up a lot of his personality traits. He's expressive, impulsive and touchingly empathetic. He's so sweet to his younger ex-foster brother. I've seen them on the webcam together; he props up the toddler and coaches him how to wave hello.

She thinks our webcam setup is going to help him immeasurably. It's much more real than a telephone call, and it reinforces what she's been telling him: that the people in his life aren't going to disappear after his transition. We're planning on having at least one set webcam time every week so he can chat with his foster family.

Thanks so much to the people who have left reassuring comments in the past couple days :-)

I will post about imminent placement soon.

Down to the Wire

The placement date is looming. I've been calm for several weeks but I just had a moment of panic. Are we ready? Are we really, really, really ready?



I guess so...

Learning From a Sad Event

(cross-posted at APA for Progress)

Several days ago, a much-loved blogger died of leukemia. This article was published shortly before she passed away.

From Yonhap News:
SEOUL, May 30 (Yonhap) -- Ku Ji-hye celebrated her 25th birthday this week in bed at a Jerusalem hospital, continually fighting for her life with extensive chemotherapy and radiation treatments.

Ku has acute lymphocytic leukemia. If she does not receive a bone marrow transplant she will die, doctors say. There is not any member in her family, who has human leukocyte antigens, the components in blood that indicate marrow compatibility, suitable to hers. And it is because she is an adoptee.

I was very saddened at the news, and upset on her behalf.

As an Asian-American, hearing of her death spurred me to register as a bone marrow donor here. I encourage all others to do the same. There is a desperate need for more donors of minority and multiracial descent.

And as an adoption blogger, I want to use this "opportunity" to decry the culture of secrets and lies that so often surrounds adoption. Having the ability to contact her relatives would have meant a much better chance for survival, and this chance was denied to her. Adoptees should always have the right to know where they come from. Anyone who tries to deny them this right may end up with blood on their hands.